At a loss, full of guilt, desperate over making THAT move to a home for Mum

[Kerryblue]

New to this. I read all the posts and find them such a help but still feel No one has a mum quite like mine!
We have never really been very close although all my life I have felt guilty, bad, never good enough but was so close to my dad.
I knew something was wrong with my mum about three or four years ago as I saw her every day and noticed she was becoming nastier and more forgetful. She has always been quite selfish and nasty to her family but to others she is always a lovely kind sweet old lady. I still do not know how she manages to keep up this act despite having Alzheimer's finally confirmed last year. It took me several years to get anyone to believe that there was a serious problem. I just knew.

Since the end of last year she has deteriorated rapidly. We find it so hard to leave her alone but when we are there she tells us she wants us gone. Then she tells us she is lonely. She forgets to take her pills. She cannot tell you if she has eaten. She has forgotten she cannot drive and has not driven for almost a year. That is another battle..... My brother stays a few nights a week with her. I have been very ill and unable to stay there. My fear of her is so deeply in ground I find it So stressful but I know this is not about me. I just wish she would accept she is ill and accept our help. We do everything for her but she says we don't do anything. We have found a wonderful home for her. Specialists say she needs 24 hour care. I got her to the HOTEL this week for a day and she did have a lovely day. I stayed with her but got home and was physically sick with sheer nerves of it all. Then she says she will NOT leave her house and go anywhere. This week she has fallen over. She loses and hides money, keys you name it. I lie awake all night worrying about her and also knowing it's not her and I cannot reason with her. I feel useless. She does not want me around. Really she just wants my brother who was always her favourite. Now a room will be available at the home. It is the best thing for her. We know that. How do we get her there? They are coming to assess her this week and we plan to say she has to stay for a short time. What if she refuses? Do we not visit for a while? She is physically quite fit although has fallen this week..... all she cares about is going to her keep feet class and where her next meal is coming from. We do all the shopping, cooking, paperwork, everything for her and it has all got too much.
I try to blank everything out but feel guilty that my brother is having to stay there with her some nights but I cannot physically manage there or cope with her. It is a lovely home. Really near and lovely kind staff etc. We tried to get full time carers in or even part time but NO, of course she does not need them as there is nothing wrong with her and I have made it all up. ironically she was well behaved on the day at the home, ate like a horse, enjoyed everything except when we got back she told my brother I was trying to put her away and she would never leave her house. Then she says she is lonely....... Sorry to go on. I cannot sleep and do not know where to turn. My brother is less emotional than me but he has not been around until recently and is now doing his best to help but we both know things cannot continue as they are. My mum treats his wife with contempt as well so she cannot go there for long so he is in the middle too. Any advice would be very gratefully received. I do not know where to turn so thank you if anyone gets to the end of this very lengthy post!!!!

 

[canary]

Oh Keryblue, firstly I think you need a ((((hug)))))

All the things that you describe about your mum are typical of dementia - she doesnt understand that there is anything wrong, you cant reason with her, she forgets to eat, complains of loneliness, hides everything then accuses people of stealing them, refusing carers........... Oh yes, been there

As you have been told that she now need 24hr care and a room has come up at your choice of Care Home I would grab it while it is there. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! Yes, I am shouting, to make sure you hear me.

Very, very few people with dementia will go into a Care Home voluntarily as, of course, there is nothing wrong with them If it helps you, mum was extremely resistant to going into a CH and tried to make me promise that I would never "put her away". However, since she has been in a CH she has thrived - she is eating properly, is kept clean and warm and has people to talk to. It has been the best thing for her.

 

[Patricia Alice]

Hi Kerryblue,

Believe me, my mum is like yours to a T.

Before she went into care we looked after her, she would hide her keys down her trousers thinking they were our car keys so we could not leave, but we could see what she was doing, she would run to her flat door and stand in front of it so we could not go. She has and still calls us everything from an ant to an elephant.

We moved her to residential dementia care but sadly this was too low a category and they could not handle her refusal for personal care, says they were poisoning her, get in their personal space and have stand up rows. She would demand we take her home, are bad daughters, and that she never put us away.

She is now in nursing dementia and is still exactly the same but they handle it. We still get called names. Today she was kicking at the door trying to get out because someone had told her we were in the reception area.

The psychiatrist and CPN have both said that if she had an angry personality before dementia that does not go and still manifests itself. My mum has always ruled out lives since my dad died, we were with her every day, looking back we know we should not have wrapped her in cottonwool like we did.

A care home does offer lots of plus points, they monitor eating, fluids, weight, behaviour etc, they also do activities that can help stimulate the brain with knitting, quizzes, games, singing etc, all these things we did not have time to do because of having our own families to care for.

You are certainly not alone and someone is always here to listen, advise or just give you a much needed hug. x

 

[Pear trees]

Oh kerryBlue, you are not alone in having a mother like yours! You could be describing my mum right down to the selfishness, hating visitors but complaining of loneliness, pretending to be a little old lady to outsiders, hating one sibling (me) but favouring the other and only interested in food!
You are doing the absolute best for your mum and I hope you find all the practical help and support here you need. Do not feel guilty!
I am dreading having to do the same as you for my mum very shortly.

 

[underwood]

We adopted a granny 2007 with mild dementia - Now it is full dementia!
She too never gets any visitors, is lonely, is unsafe on her feet, burns the porridge etc, etc,

She doesn't want to leave home!

We call her every morning, to remind her what day it is etc. etc. we have arranged meals on wheels, a berfriender from help the aged, friends to call in etc. etc.

Is she coping? yes and no. Is she happy? yes and no. Is she happy she is in her house? Yes.
Do we feel guilty? yes. But she is where she wishes to be. Should she be cared for? yes.

But she copes, not well but she copes and she is where she wishes to be.

Somedays when her 'muddle' is really bad, we call her several times a day, to remind her to eat and drink. These reminders make her eat and drink, remind her that she is hungry/thirsty. She is lonely, but she loves the calls.

There is a flip side to each dilemma.

Do you do something they really do not want, or do you help them keep what they have got?

It is all so very, very upsetting which ever way you chose to go. We decided to go the route that she wished and it worries us. But we console ourselves with the knowledge that we didn't do something she didn't want!