Assurance needed I’ve made the right decision

[Butterflyeffect]

Hello,

I’m sure this has been covered before, but I was hoping for some recent suggestions.
I made the difficult decision to move my Mum into a care home in December 2020 after receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s earlier in the year. She had become volatile at home with my Dad, I had taken months off work to care for her and she refused any help from any outside organisation.
Then the third lockdown hit, and we weren’t able to visit for some time. We kept in touch with video calls, and the home were lovely and ‘bent the rules’ slightly for me so if I dropped something off for her, they sometimes let me see her for a few minutes where she would present as confused but mainly okish.

Mum still hasn’t settled, and can sometimes be quite aggressive towards the staff, on occasions lashing out at them when they try and help with personal care. I visit weekly with my Dad, she now doesn’t respond to me but adores seeing my dad, constantly touching him and telling him she loves him (they’ve never been a tactile couple).

She seems to be aware that she’s not at home, and will sometimes say she’s not staying at the home and hates it. She won’t get involved in any activities, and spends all day every day in her room alone. She’s refusing most food. She has very limited communication now, and the majority of her words do not make any sense at all - but can say a full sentence of “Im not staying here”

I feel absolutely awful in wishing that she could just be at peace and not remember home.

I guess I’m looking for reassurance that I did the right thing in moving her, and for any hope that one day she might ‘accept’ where she’s living now.

I’m due my baby in a few weeks, but I’m completely preoccupied with worry about my parents.

 

[Grannie G]

Of course you have done the right thing @Butterflyeffect. It sounds as if there was no other way you and your dad could have continued to care for your mother at home.

Sadly doing the right thing doesn`t make it any easier to live with.

If there`s any way you can get the care home staff to encourage your mother to join the communal areas, it might help her. When my husband went into residential care I insisted he should only use his room for sleeping in. Because of this, even though he was never the most sociable of people once dementia set in, he became accustomed to sitting with others and slowly developed an interest in the comings and goings of others.

I`m sure people with dementia would settle more easily the shorter the time they spent alone.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Butterflyeffect , it's taken nearly two years, but my mother is now settled in her care home, something that I thought would never happen. I can't really understand what she says anymore, but she still talks a little about going home, though in her case it's to go and see her parents in 1930s Southend.
Yes you did the right thing. If your mum was at home she would probably still be wanting to be somewhere else, it's the nature of dementia, the idea that being somewhere else will make the world a less confusing place. I hope the staff can get your mother involved in the activities. My mother doesn't join in with the art ones, but loves anything that involves dancing, so maybe it's a matter of finding what she enjoys.

 

[JadeSpring68]

It may be worth thinking about how happy she would be if she wasnt in the home - its probably she would be much the same. Try thinking of this as part of the dementia rather than a comment on the difficult choice you have made. We have started the 'care home' discussion with my mum - mostly she is quite keen as she lives alone (with us going in twice a day) apart from her dog and is feeling lonely and isolated. In the past few days this has extended to feeling unsafe - leading to a call to the police saying she had been burgled. She is depressed too. In terms of her welfare a care home is the right decision for her. We are expecting negative fall out but have to focus on Mum's safety.

 

[minet48]

I really sympathise @Butterflyeffect. Brings back memories of when my mum went into a care home. But sometimes there comes a point when you have to do it for the sake of your loved one's safety and wellbeing so try not to feel guilty. You also have yourself and the baby to think of. I do agree with Sarasa and JadeSpring68 that saying they want to go home is as much an expression of the illness as how they feel about the surroundings - possibly more so when they reach a certain stage. Prior to going into the care home when I looked after her in her own home, my mum used to get furiously angry with me, accusing me of having sold her house and having moved her to a different house. I used to try to reassure her in various ways that she was really in her own home eg I used to show her a magnolia bush she and my late Dad had planted in the garden when they moved there and she sort of calmed down, but then started 5 minutes later with "wanting to go home" again. Distraction and involvement with what else is going on in the care home, and getting used to a regular routine there will eventually reassure her I'm sure, but it's quite possible that she may always say she wants to go home as my mum did, even though she lived there for several years before she passed and had some happy times there. Now looking back I'm able to let go of the guilt and know that I did my best for her in very difficult circumstances for her and for me. She didn't really know what home was anymore - it was the dementia speaking - but she did respond very positively to the security of a routine and to some of the activities (even though she was registered blind). Good luck and take care.

 

[father ted]

You have absolutely done the right thing.

The situation is very sad but if Mum was volatile and you were worried about Dad and she refused help from outside there is nothing more that could be done at home.
She may settle but she may not, but important to remember that in her own home the situation was unmanageable and that is why you made the decision you did which I am sure you thought long and hard about.
I wish I could don’t worry but you will because I made the same decision for my Mum and 4 years later it still causes me anguish sometimes if I call and Mum says she is unhappy but then I remind myself she wasn’t happy living with me towards the end either. You worry because you care.
Good Luck with the baby. X

 

[Shedrech]

hello @JadeSpring68
a warm welcome to posting on DTP
sounds as though it is time for your mum to move to residential care and it will help that you know your mum has agreed ... even if she doesn't remember at some point, you will
I hope you are able to arrange the move soon, to know that she is safe