ashamed

beaglefan

Registered User
Apr 7, 2010
97
57
If feel so ashamed of myself at the moment, I can't stop crying.

I took mum to the dentist today, and then to the shops but it was one of those days, mum was upset about everything and when I tried to give a solution she told me to "stop going at her".
She was also having problems with arthritis in her wrist but kept yelling out loud in pain around the shops which I am sure was not absolutely necessary.
When we got home (after losing and finding her purse, causing mayhem) i am sorry to say we had a bit of a row and she told me not to set foot in her house again and started crying.

I went home without saying goodbye as she said I was upsetting her by being there, I came home and just cried.
I know I should be more patient, I just didn't have it in me today, I hate myself.
Sometimes coping with this disease makes me feel life is not worth living, but I suppose it is much worse for mum.
My mum and dad do not get on and never really have, in fact they haven't spoken for weeks which makes things worse. My brother thinks mum is making this up and does not do anything to help, he just carries on as normal.

Sorry for the moan, I just feel awful today and now I haven't got a clue how to make things up to mum.

Paula
 

christine_batch

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
3,388
Buckinghamshire
Hi Paula,

We all go through the stage of loosing it. Being with someone with Alzheimers/Dementia is the hardest job in the world and it is a very stressful life.

Perhaps, by tomorrow your Mum would have forgotten all about it, whilst you are crying she probably has.

Give it a day and perhaps phone or call round. Perhaps you could have a chat with your Dad.

Wishing you all the best and make yourself a cup of tea and try to relax.

Christine
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
Isnt is strange how we can feel so awful but yet support each other? You have just responded to one of my posts which was most helpful, thank you. Just knowing you are not on your own is enough sometimes.

Do you think your mum will remember this incident? I only wish we could forget these times, I just dread them constantly.

You cannot be expected to be patient all the time with this sort of challenging behaviour, you took your mum out, dealt with her problems as they arose and got her back home safely didn't you?

I am not surprised you are crying after being told to go, that happens to me too, regularly. Last time I burst into tears in a shop because I couldn't remember my pin number having just been thrown out of the house.

Have a cup of tea, or whatever your choice is, and don't think for a minute that this morning's awfulness is in any way your fault or could have been any different. When my mother "goes into one" no amount of reasoning, distraction or niceness or anything will stop her, she WILL have her rant, and that's that.

God, what an awful day we are having
 

beaglefan

Registered User
Apr 7, 2010
97
57
Thank You so much for your kind replies, it really helps to talk to people who know exactly what is going on. Just writng this all out has helped a great deal, I've had a coffee and read the paper. I am definitely going to have a chat with dad, this situation needs resolving, tomorrow I will take mum some cream cakes as she loves them! Hopefully she will forgive me, I love her so much and worry all the time.

Paula x
 

sussexsue

Registered User
Jun 10, 2009
1,528
West Sussex
Been there, got the T shirt and the guilt monster. We all do it, and for me "confessing" on here or at my carers meeting really helps.

So a couple of questions. Was your mum a saint before she got AD. Did you ever argue before she got AD. Bet the answers are no. I think we just have to accept that some days we are less tolerant than others (and I am talking about person with AD and carer here).

Unless you need to be in contact with her again today I would leave it. She will certainly have forgotten it by tomorrow.

Your attitude to your mum sounds really lovely - she is very lucky to have you.

Take care

Sue
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,511
I know exactly how you feel, all carers "lose it" now and then, if we did not we wouldn't be human beings we would be saints.

My halo got a good bashing now and then.

Anyone would lose their temper now and then.

I think it's quit elikely that your mum will have forgotten most if not all of it by now or soon will. These things tend to blow over quite quickly - just not for the carer who tends to be wracked with guilt
 

Jo1958

Registered User
Mar 31, 2010
3,724
Yorkshire
Paula, hi
You too! I'm having one of those days too, I think it's the sunshine that has something to do with all this emotion flashing around.
Crying helps as it is something to do while we regroup, I find it hard being with my husband 24/7 but I don't have the worry of leaving him, that must be so terrible for all your wonderful carers who don't live with the sufferer of this awful disease.
Chin up, tomorrow is another day, I hope today gets much better for you, cheers, Jo
 

beaglefan

Registered User
Apr 7, 2010
97
57
Hi thanks for your replies, you are so kind, I don't know what I would do without this site.

Love
Paula x
 

beena

Registered User
May 28, 2010
75
Cheshire
I know just how you feel, but sometimes we have to try and preserve our own sanity: if you think about it you're doing the best you can (no-one can ask any more of any human being), but it still doesn't make the individual feel any better...
Just to say, for what it's worth (zilch!) have been there, experienced that, felt like ---- and a worthless creature BUT I have (and am still) learned that this is a new and unwelcome place to all of us (i hate it) but slowly i'm feeling we are not bad people - just strangers in a new land learning, as best we can (not so good on so many occasions), to cope.
I wish you well - silly comment really in that what is well about it? - but although we don't know each other personally, we have a shared, unwelcome experience. Grim, ain't it? Keep talking!
 

Splat88

Registered User
Jul 13, 2005
176
Essex
Me too!! I've tried three times this week to get her to wash and change her clothes and her underwear, but I am "interfering leave her alone to run her own life" "treating her like a child" and even when In manage to hold on to the stress and explain that its her memory, and I know I shouldn't bite when she says as she does every day, "5 tablets, what are all those for, I'm not taking them" I still snap back, yes, you takethem every day and every day you say the same thing. Why can't they just make one big tablet, lol!!!

I should be feeling on top of the world, I've just had two weeks holiday in the South of France, but I just feel worse because its the first long break I've had in six years, and I know what I'm missing.

I should take comfort from the fact that the live in carer also had trouble getting her to take her pills, and couldn't get her to change or wash, but I'm hiding in my room again to avoid the confrontation ( and the smell!!!) already!!!!
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
I went home without saying goodbye
Paula – you did absolutely the right thing. Yes another one with that T-shirt – almost embarrassed to admit how many times I ‘turned on my heel’ when I just couldn’t cope. :eek: Used to feel wracked with guilt – until kind people here pointed out the alternative was completely ‘losing my rag’ in front of mum which would have been even worse ...

Haloes? This disease would surely try the patience of a saint ....:rolleyes:

and now I haven't got a clue how to make things up to mum.
tomorrow I will take mum some cream cakes as she loves them!
See, you're ahead of the game already! :)

Love, Karen, x
 

CaPattinson

Registered User
May 19, 2010
11,730
West Yorks
to all

I wasn't a 24/7 carer (thank goodness)but I know what you are going through so i'm gonna add my twopenneth: THANK GOD FOR EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! YOU ARE WORTH YOUR WEIGHT IN GOLD!! NO DOUBT ABOUT IT
 
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beaglefan

Registered User
Apr 7, 2010
97
57
Hi

Your lovely replies have really cheered me up, I've had a chat with dad so hopefully things will start to get better with him and mum. Tomorrow is definitely a cream cake day for all 3 of us!

love
Paula x
 

scarletpauline

Registered User
Jul 19, 2009
5,080
82
Leicestershire
Sorry you have had such a dodgy time, I had a day like that earlier in the week but talking on here really helped me and I hope it has helped you too.
Enjoy your cream cakes :D
Love Pauline x
 

beaglefan

Registered User
Apr 7, 2010
97
57
A big thanks to all who have replied, I feel so much better now, and tomorrow will be a fresh start.

Lots of love
Paula xx
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
Dear Paula,

I'm so glad that you're feeling better. I've only just caught up with your news of today and am sorry that you've had such a tough time. However, you're right, tomorrow is another day and a fresh start:) Onwards and Upwards:D

Love p.s. And did you mention cream cakes:D
 

susanne1964

Registered User
Mar 1, 2010
291
hertfordshire
Hi Paula,

I agree with every post on here, I care for my dad and most days I repeat my answers to the same questions a hundred times. Reassure him a million times but the other day got so frustrated with him when all we had talked about for six hours :mad: was the sale of his house and what was he going to do with his money. I turned around and said "For gods sake do what you bloody like with it I really dont give a shxxt". Immediately I felt terrible, changed the subject and got on with the day.

That night my sister phoned me and said that dad had rang her and said " I think I have upset the woman that looks after me. The WOMAN lol I isolate myself from my friends etc to look after him and I was called "the woman". It was only when I came on here that I realised that it is all part of the dimentia.

The next morning went over to his and he had forgotten all about me blowing up and telling me I am his fav daughter lol and how much he appreciates what I do etc etc.

Dont beat yourself up you are doing the best you can in the most difficult circumstances

love sue :)

xxxx
 

allylee

Registered User
Feb 28, 2005
180
57
west mids
Oh Paula , I think most all of us have reacted in a similar way during our time as carers.Dealing with this disease has been the biggest challenge of my life ,though my role as carer is now over.
I shouted at mum many times through frustration and exhaustion but hey I was thankful for the fact that she never remembered.

I agree with everyone else ...guilt is part of the package though god knows why ...we have enough to contend with.

Make sure you treat yourself to one of those cream cakes too.

Hugs n best wishes xx
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,319
East Kent
Paula

only just seen this thread.

Hope its a much better day for you tomorrow.

WE ALLlose it from time to time,we are
human not saints,

so give that awful guilt monster a kick in the butt
and have some of those cream cakes with your mum.

View attachment hugs 2 u.bmp
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,764
Kent
Hello Paula

The most important thing about losing it is recognizing and admitting it. You have done this and by posting have seen you are in good company. I doubt there is a carer here who has not lost it at some time.

The fact you walked away is the best thing you could have done. Even as you were walking away you were planning to make things right. . You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I hope you have a much better day today.

Love xx