Arranging funerals

[MrsTerryN]

When dad passed away the cemetery had a room which you could use and a caterer. Mum paid for that. When mum goes I do expect to pay for light refreshments for attendees. I think I had considered it to be the same as a wedding or christening. Though having said that I have heard of weddings that you pay as a guest and not the family

 

[Slugsta]

I must admit that I would think it a little odd if I went to a funeral and there were no refreshments of any sort provided for those who had taken the time/trouble to attend. More so if people had travelled significant distances.

I would happily pay for myself if I knew that the bereaved family had little money, but I'm afraid I would be a bit disgruntled if it just seemed to be a case of not wanting to put hand in pocket ( I am not suggesting this is the case with the OP, about whom I know nothing).

My mum has given me explicit instructions for her funeral, and these include a 'bun fight' for those who attend. She is of the generation where this is considered the done thing.

 

[Emily M]

I must admit that I would think it a little odd if I went to a funeral and there were no refreshments of any sort provided for those who had taken the time/trouble to attend. More so if people had travelled significant distances.

I would happily pay for myself if I knew that the bereaved family had little money, but I'm afraid I would be a bit disgruntled if it just seemed to be a case of not wanting to put hand in pocket ( I am not suggesting this is the case with the OP, about whom I know nothing).

My mum has given me explicit instructions for her funeral, and these include a 'bun fight' for those who attend. She is of the generation where this is considered the done thing.

Thank you for your comment. Step-father is providing a buffet now after one or two asked directly. It is so difficult trying to arrange things and tread on people's toes in these circumstances. Hopefully this will be the end of the subject and we can get on with paying our respects.

 

[Emily M]

Thank you everyone for your comments

Thank you everyone for commenting on this subject. Obviously there is not going to be a consensus of opinion on this one.

After one or two people asked him directly step-father has agreed to pay for a small buffet and I have arranged this. The cost is not great. Hopefully this will be the end of it and we can get on and remember and pay our respects to my lovely Mum. The ironic thing is that he may not be there as he may have to take Mum's friend straight home. It probably will not upset him if he is not there as he doesn't like large family gatherings.

It is so difficult trying to arrange things and not upset anyone in these circumstances as people have been quite sensitive all the way through.

We would have all met up afterwards anyway, and I do respect others opinion. However, I think my point, which I still stand by, is that people should not expect things to be provided. It is not like a wedding where you are invited, but you come along of your own free will to pay respects. I think Mum would have wanted people to have the buffet from her estate. Maybe it is something that we all should make clear in our wills.

 

[marionq]

Emily I hope you don't mind my asking if you are quite young? Anyone over 40 will have been to a few funerals and as the decades go by the number of funerals increases. Of course over time you see what the traditions and customs are and accept them as part and parcel of funeral arrangements. Light refreshments are offered because people often take time off work or travel a distance. Some attenders may themselves be elderly and glad of a seat and a cup of tea. The food and drink are trivial in comparison with other costs and give people a chance to meet family and share memories of your mother.

 

[Saffie]

I think it is because people come to a funeral 'of their own free will' to show respect to the person that has died that it is expected that refreshments are offered. It is part of saying thank you to them for taking the time and trouble to do this.

 

[Spamar]

Two points, I believe funeral expenses are allowable to be paid from the estate from the deceased person.
A friend of mine, when his wife died, sent round invites to the buffet follow up, with replies requested. It caused a bit of a stir amongst her numerous friends! But it may be the way forward.

 

[Saffie]

What about those who just turned up?
People aren't usually invited to a funeral.
I just appreciated everyone who came and a few snacks were little enough to show that appreciation.

 

[fizzie]

Emily, whatever your mum wanted about the wake, I'm sure she doesn't want you to be stressing so much. She wants you to have time to share the happy memories with others who come because they want to be there to say goodbye to a friend, relative, someone they hold dear. Memory sharing is for everyone and it is nicer if it over a few snacks and a drink but if you don't want to do that then don't but if she would have wanted it then you probably need to seriously consider it. xxx

 

[Saffie]

I think Emily has already said that it's already been arrangedu.
I hope it all works out as your mother would have wished, Emily and that your goodbye to her is just a you would wish.
Then you can relax and remember happier times even though they will no doubt be tinged with sadness. Best wishes for the day.

 

[Emily M]

Emily I hope you don't mind my asking if you are quite young? Anyone over 40 will have been to a few funerals and as the decades go by the number of funerals increases. Of course over time you see what the traditions and customs are and accept them as part and parcel of funeral arrangements. Light refreshments are offered because people often take time off work or travel a distance. Some attenders may themselves be elderly and glad of a seat and a cup of tea. The food and drink are trivial in comparison with other costs and give people a chance to meet family and share memories of your mother.

No, I'm a older than that. I think you seem to have been missing my point or maybe you did not read my last post that went on at 12.16 pm today saying that something has been arranged. If it had been up to me there would have been no question of providing something, but it wasn't up to me. The family dynamics between several people are too complicated to explain here nor would I want to. All I can say is there are a number of loose cannons - it is like treading on eggshells! I just think one should be slow to judge; not always an attribute of the young would you say?

You will not believe the problem that has occurred now. There is trouble because a divorcee asked when the funeral was so was given the date. Now there is trouble with the ex-spouse family member. It seems to be a no win situation whatever is done. I think excluding people from funerals is something that we shouldn't do either. They don't have to come to the wake, but could sit quietly at the back. I know one thing - Mum would have hated this!

 

[Emily M]

Two points, I believe funeral expenses are allowable to be paid from the estate from the deceased person.
A friend of mine, when his wife died, sent round invites to the buffet follow up, with replies requested. It caused a bit of a stir amongst her numerous friends! But it may be the way forward.

That's a good one! I suppose she was trying to get an idea of numbers.! This is where funerals differ from weddings. No-one is invited but they come of their free will. I did post again today at 12.16 pm saying that the problem has been sorted as step-father has agreed to a buffet now. No, we didn't send out invites. We made an estimate.

 

[Emily M]

Now another problem with the funeral

Just when things were sorting themselves out we have another problem. An ex-spouse of a family member that knew Mum asked the date of the funeral. Now there is friction with the family member as they do not want them there.

Am I the only person who thinks anyone should be allowed to come and pay their respects. You do not invite people to funerals nor should you exclude them unless they are likely to be disruptive which this person isn't. They don't have to come to the gathering afterwards but could sit quietly at the back. I have seen ex-spouses at other people's funerals including my husband's mother's and no-one was bothered.

Is it only my family that has these problems? The funeral of one's mother is upsetting enough anyway without this happening

Mum would have hated what's going on.

 

[Bear44]

Emily, my condolences for the loss of your mum.

You aren't alone family drama is in every family..

Funerals are about honoring the life that was lost. I would hope all could be adult enough to realize why everyone is there.

 

[Saffie]

O dear. What a shame people cannot put aside their personal disputes just for an hour or so. I do think that anyone should be allowed to attend a funeral. As you say, not necessarily to attend the wake/refreshments too but just to say goodbye.
Personally, I would not go to the after-event of someone I did not know that well, maybe a neighbour or a work colleague, and I would hope that this person would have the tact not to attend in these particular circumstances. However, attendance at the service, to pay their respects surely cannot be snubbed.
As you say, your poor mother's farewell is anything but plain sailing and you certainly could do without having to deal with all this while grieving. I am sorry.

 

[di65]

It seems that here in New Zealand things are done very differently.
When arranging my parent's funerals, the first port of call was the Funeral Director's. They then make all arrangements, including flowers, organist, remembrance sheets etc, and they usually have an adjoining room where the overflow of people (if any) are housed, watching the proceedings via a video link. This room is then used to serve light refreshments which you can either supply yourself or have catered. I was fortunate that in both cases my Inner Wheel Club provided the sandwiches and helped serve the cuppas. We provided the cakes and savouries. Very few services are now held in Church now, as the Funeral Homes are providing such a good service, but many have a Religious leader (Vicar, Minister etc) officiating. It is unusual to have a funeral any later than a week after the person has passed away.

We set Mum and Dad's funerals for a Saturday, as this suited US, not necessarily those attending,

I'm not saying that this is only way to do things, but it worked for us.

Hope things work out for you, and I'm sorry that you are having additional stress at this sad time

 

[Saffie]

Di, you haven't mentioned cremation or burial. We go to the Funeral director first too and he would do most of the things you mentioned if we so desired, but if a burial is to take place, then it is usual to hold the service in the relevant church and in the Crematorium for the cremation.

It is a relatively new experience for me to hold the wake in a public place as with most of the funerals I have attended in the past the refreshments were held in the person's home or that of a close relative.

 

[di65]

Hi Saffie.

The service still takes place at the Funeral Home (or Church if the family wish), and then moves on (usually after the service) to the Cemetery or Crematorium. Often the burial or cremation is mainly for close family and friends and by invitation only.

Di

 

[Saffie]

This happens sometimes here but usually for a crematorium when there has been a service in the house or church first. Sometimes the service is held after the cremation and then it seems to be called a celebration of the person's life. Interesting.

Apologies for the distraction Emily.

 

[Emily M]

Emily, my condolences for the loss of your mum.

You aren't alone family drama is in every family..

Funerals are about honoring the life that was lost. I would hope all could be adult enough to realize why everyone is there.

Thank you for your kind words Bear. I think the word "adult" is relevant here. I feel some people are behaving like spoilt children, but of course I won't say that to them.