Does anyone have experience of putting someone in residential care that is refusing to go as they do not believe there is anything wrong with them? Any advice on how to do this?
Lesley
We moved my mother without discussing it with her at all, for the simple reason that she would have refused point blank to go. According to her there was nothing wrong with her, but she was very bad by then - could not longer even make herself a cup of tea, was not washing, hardly eating, short term memory non existent, etc. She had had a bad fall - of which she had no recollection whatever - and the need had become urgent.
We planned it all like a military operation, having spent a long time finding the right care home with a room available. We had the added problem that for ages she had been very reluctant to leave the house - getting her out at all was expected to be very difficult, but her GP prescribed Valium to make her more tractable on the day, and thank heavens it worked.
My sister and I took her 'for a drive and maybe out for lunch' - brother and BIL followed later with her things, surreptitiously packed the night before, and a few personal items for her room.
The CH had asked us to arrive for lunch, which was very nice. My mother actually thought it was a restaurant and offered to pay - we all felt awful, though she could not have paid anyway since sister and BIL had taken over her finances long before, since she was no longer capable.
My sister undertook later to tell her that she was staying. I don't mind admitting that I was too chicken. She was not a bit happy and for some time afterwards there were angry accusations, we were all just after her money - as if - etc. but I should stress that she had never had violent or aggressive tendencies.
Another important factor - she was self funded, so we were able to arrange it all without reference to social services, although I think the CH did ask for a brief, tick-box visit.
If you are dependent on SS for funding, from what I gather it is very common for them to say they can't put anyone in a CH if they don't want to go. But to be honest, how many people ever do? It would often seem to be a convenient money saving excuse, in which case relatives may have to be extremely insistent that they can no longer cope, cite 'carer breakdown' etc. all too often it would seem that if social services think family will go on coping - never mind if they are on their knees with stress and exhaustion - then they are only too happy to leave them to it.
If your mother is suffering violence from your father, then I know it sounds drastic but in such circs it is often recommended to call the police, who apparently are very good in such cases and are obliged to inform SS. Ultimately this may result in the person being sectioned, which will mean they get treatment which should help the aggression. In the meantime, it is usually recommended for anyone like your mother to have a room she can retire to, with a stout lock, and to have a mobile phone permanently charged, so that she can call for help if necessary.
I do wish you all the best in such a very worrying situation.