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Are we making the situation worse?

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
Hi Lesley

Welcome to TP:) sorry to read of your parents situation and its impact for you all. I've no advice but others will have soon I'm sure.
Best wishes
Sue
 

memaggie2

Registered User
Nov 9, 2014
60
scotland
Oh dear how awful for you all , of course your Mum shouldn't be putting up with this but it depends on what she is prepared to do about it . Your Dad may be sectionable under the mental health act if 'he is a risk to himself or others ' so seeing your GP would be one thing you could do .
He may be able to give yout Dad medication which would help or seek a psychiatric referal

Also your Mum could seek rehousing from the council due to your Dads abusive behaviour ( i realise she may not want to do this )

He is ill he can't control this behavior ,so telling him off won't help and to wait until he does hurt your mum isn't an option either.

Whichever way you go its an awful situation

regards

Marnie
 

Romeo38

Registered User
Jan 2, 2015
7
Hi All

My Dad is on medication, after the incident happened, my brother contacted his psychiatric case worker who visited immediately and had promised to contact my brother to update him on the outcome of the visit. This being to change his medication. Unfortunately we haven't heard from them. They did promise to bring forward a scheduled visit from the consultant who is due to see him on the 12th January but we haven't heard from them.

Does anyone have experience of putting someone in residential care that is refusing to go as they do not believe there is anything wrong with them? Any advice on how to do this?

Lesley
 
Last edited:

ASH74

Registered User
May 18, 2014
294
Other people will have more knowledge but if your father is unwilling to go BUT is medically deemed to need care you are (I think) looking at either a section as somebody mentioned or DOLS under the MCA. BUT I would talk to his consultant and SW as a matter of urgency....my MIL was so bullied by my FIL ( with dementia) that she told everybody that he was fine, their life was great and they were coping!

Best of luck




Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

memaggie2

Registered User
Nov 9, 2014
60
scotland
Hi All

My Dad is on medication, after the incident happened, my brother contacted his psychiatric case worker who visited immediately and had promised to contact my brother to update him on the outcome of the visit. This being to change his medication. Unfortunately we haven't heard from them. They did promise to bring forward a scheduled visit from the consultant who is due to see him on the 12th January but we haven't heard from them.

My parents own and live in the house they bought when they moved to Bolton 48 yrs ago. Unfortunately their financial situation is such that they will have to fund everything from their savings and property equity.

Does anyone have experience of putting someone in residential care that is refusing to go as they do not believe there is anything wrong with them? Any advice on how to do this?

Lesley
Your Dad would need to be sectionable before he could be removed from the house against his will , I have known a lady who moved into council accommodation ( she and her husband owned their house ) because of a situation similar to your parents .
good luck
Maggie
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Does anyone have experience of putting someone in residential care that is refusing to go as they do not believe there is anything wrong with them? Any advice on how to do this?

Lesley
We moved my mother without discussing it with her at all, for the simple reason that she would have refused point blank to go. According to her there was nothing wrong with her, but she was very bad by then - could not longer even make herself a cup of tea, was not washing, hardly eating, short term memory non existent, etc. She had had a bad fall - of which she had no recollection whatever - and the need had become urgent.

We planned it all like a military operation, having spent a long time finding the right care home with a room available. We had the added problem that for ages she had been very reluctant to leave the house - getting her out at all was expected to be very difficult, but her GP prescribed Valium to make her more tractable on the day, and thank heavens it worked.

My sister and I took her 'for a drive and maybe out for lunch' - brother and BIL followed later with her things, surreptitiously packed the night before, and a few personal items for her room.

The CH had asked us to arrive for lunch, which was very nice. My mother actually thought it was a restaurant and offered to pay - we all felt awful, though she could not have paid anyway since sister and BIL had taken over her finances long before, since she was no longer capable.

My sister undertook later to tell her that she was staying. I don't mind admitting that I was too chicken. She was not a bit happy and for some time afterwards there were angry accusations, we were all just after her money - as if - etc. but I should stress that she had never had violent or aggressive tendencies.

Another important factor - she was self funded, so we were able to arrange it all without reference to social services, although I think the CH did ask for a brief, tick-box visit.

If you are dependent on SS for funding, from what I gather it is very common for them to say they can't put anyone in a CH if they don't want to go. But to be honest, how many people ever do? It would often seem to be a convenient money saving excuse, in which case relatives may have to be extremely insistent that they can no longer cope, cite 'carer breakdown' etc. all too often it would seem that if social services think family will go on coping - never mind if they are on their knees with stress and exhaustion - then they are only too happy to leave them to it.

If your mother is suffering violence from your father, then I know it sounds drastic but in such circs it is often recommended to call the police, who apparently are very good in such cases and are obliged to inform SS. Ultimately this may result in the person being sectioned, which will mean they get treatment which should help the aggression. In the meantime, it is usually recommended for anyone like your mother to have a room she can retire to, with a stout lock, and to have a mobile phone permanently charged, so that she can call for help if necessary.

I do wish you all the best in such a very worrying situation.
 

Romeo38

Registered User
Jan 2, 2015
7
Hi Witzend

Thank you for your response, it was very useful to hear how you moved your Mum into a home.


Thanks again
 
Last edited:

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
I don't think there are many carers there who are in the same situation, with an aggressive husband/wife. Most of the sufferers are very placid and uncommunicative unlike my Dad who just wants attention all the time and starts to behave like a child or starts to torment my Mum if he isn't receiving any attention.
Hi Lesley
I see you're new to the site so I don't want you to feel that I'm being critical but you have no idea how wrong you are in the quote above. It is a topic not often discussed on here but the violence both physical and mental are a regular feature in many of our lives, it just doesn't often get discussed, maybe it should but I doubt it will.
I think you've done the right thing, you seem to have a supportive extended family and have taken seriously and reacted to the fact that your father's violence is an issue that has to be addressed and the safety of your mother is paramount.
As an observation I would say (my opinion only) that people who prior to getting AZ have been in senior and positions of relative importance and those who were simply very controlling people seem to get even more self important and controlling, not always but often, it seems like your Dad may be one of these.
I like memaggie's suggestion of creating a "safe" room but it's not good when it comes to that.
K
 

Romeo38

Registered User
Jan 2, 2015
7
I was just referring to the centre my Mum goes to, which is why we think she will get more support on here, as we know it is a much more common situation and we hope to put her in touch with people dealing with similar situations.
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
These forums are great and your mother will get masses of support. You could also set up a 'group' for her. I've only joined one, 'wide awake' but I find I get all the support, advice and a sense of release from the tp forum.
 

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