Are we doing the right thing?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by andy l, Mar 25, 2007.

  1. andy l

    andy l Registered User

    Mar 25, 2007
    3
    Loughborough
    My Mother as had Alzheimer's for 5 years, during this time we have all rallied around to help my Dad. However over the past few weeks my mum's mood as become increasingly violent towards my dad, she even talks about killing herself. Things get worse on a daily basis, today all the family have decided it's time to put my mother into a home and I have told my dad that I will support whatever decision he makes. All we need is something to calm her temper, my dad can cope with all the rest. We have tried all the drugs and nothing seems to work.
    Two weeks ago she went into hospitol but we pulled her out as the treatment she received was appalling.
    Anyone any other ideas before we put her into a home?
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Andy

    Just wanted to welcome you to TP.

    I can't help with the behavioural problems, but many members have experience of them, and will soon be along to advise you.

    I hope you manage to find a solution that will keep your mum at home for as long as possible.

    Love,
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    Unfortunately, there are a lot of members who have had experience with this, so as Hazel said, I'm sure someone will be along withmore specific information, but I did just want to say that, while guilt is an ever present companion, sometimes if medication can't help it can be necessary to take this step. Your father has a a right to live a relatively peaceful life at his age, and even someone who would never have been violent before can becaome unmanageable. Just becasue she's your mother and female, doesn't, unfortunately, mean that she couldn't do real damage if the mood took her.

    Welcome to TP anyway

    Jennifer
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Andy

    Can I ask what your Dad thinks about your Mum going into a home?

    When you say that the whole family has decided - did that include him, too, or were you all deciding that you would support him if that was necessary?
     
  5. andy l

    andy l Registered User

    Mar 25, 2007
    3
    Loughborough
    As with all familes there are different views, I am in favour of trying longer and finding more help as is my dad, my brother and sister do not share the same views. I have told my dad whatever he decides I will stand by him.
    However my only worry is no home will take her when she tells them that she is going to kill herself[ and she will go into a mental unit instead./COLOR]
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Andy

    I know you have said you have tried all the medications, but can you tell us whether your Mum has been in a specialist assessment unit?

    Have you been in touch recently with her GP, consultant, etc?

    Can you say why your Mum was in hospital recently? And, without naming the hospital, tell us what was appalling about her treatment?

    Sorry for all the questions, but it is difficult to understand your situation without more information.

    Thanks
     
  7. capybara

    capybara Registered User

    Jan 10, 2007
    32
    Anti Agitation drug Quietapine

    Sorry to hear about your mother and her problems. My father has Alzheimers and he was at one stage acting aggressivley towards my mother, quite frightening at the time.

    He was prescribed quietapine and this did solve the aggression and has been much calmer since.

    I believe your mother would have to see her dementia consultant as I don't think her GP would be able to prescribe this.
    I have read some negative reports about this medication but in my fathers case it has been of benefit so good luck with your mother.

    Dad went into a care home about this time last year and although it was upsetting for us at the time he has been much more settled since his admission .
    All the best to you and your family.
     
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    I'm all in favour of trying every medication possible. One thing that your post did raise, though, is that that while it sounds as if a secure emi (elderly mentally inform) unit might be appropriate, this does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. Like every other kind of residential placement, there are good, bad and indifferent, and I think it's important to bear in mind that fact.
     
  9. andy l

    andy l Registered User

    Mar 25, 2007
    3
    Loughborough
    It's too late

    As I write this I am crying my eyes out.
    Today we have put Mum back into as hospitol as dad cannot cope any longer. We have tried everything and cannot find any alternative.
    Mum is in the same hospitol as before, but on a different ward (we checked everything out on the ward before letting her stay). They say they will look after her and the ward leader seems a lot better than the last one.
    Dad deels he as failed her and there have been many tears.
    Does Mum know where she is? I am not sure, all she wants are her Mum and Dad who died years ago. She didn't even recognise me or my Dad today, this really hurts.
    They say she is in the final stages and will get worse as the weeks go by.
    Rest assured she will not be in there long, Dad is already ringing around suitable care homes in our area so we no so far away.
    If only there were some drug that could calm her temper ( she as bitten dad twice today) we could cope, but we have tried so many.
    This Alzheimers is a terrible way to go.
    PLEASE FIND A CURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  10. so sorry Andy

    No words can help eh Andy. Many of us have been there and it still doesn't help.

    It was my father who went in. I decided that I would be there for him although once he was in a nursing home he was getting quite good care. I then focussed ALL my attention on my mother who had been caring for him at home for years and years. We used to go to Alzheimers Society meetings together and heard so many stories of how no one looked after the carers and they often 'went first'. My mum died last September, broken by the effort, strain, worry and guilt. My Dad is still in a home.

    Be there for your Dad, Andy once your mum has been placed... as much as you can. It will give you strength as well.

    Brianj

    PS maybe someone can give you advice about applying for fully funded NHS continuing care when she leaves hospital..it is so important
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Andy

    I'm sorry you're so distressed. It must be awful to see your mum so ill, and not recognising you.

    But you have done your best. You have tried all possible medications, and you have tried everything to keep your mum at home. You have done all you possibly could for her.

    Now she needs professional care. Your dad could not possibly cope now. She will hopefully be better cared for in hospital than she was the last time, and they may find a treatment that suits her. If not, I'm sure you'll find a good care home for her, and you'll be able to visit as often as you like, without the stresses you've been suffering.

    Your dad needs you now, Andy. He must be feeling terrible too, so try to be strong for his sake.

    It's devastating, I know, but I'm afraid it's fairly inevitable with this disease.

    Stay strong, and let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     
  12. susiewoo

    susiewoo Registered User

    Oct 28, 2006
    82
    Bromley Kent
    Andy
    Reading your post you could be talking about my Mum and I can tell you that I was the most distraught I have ever been in my life the day I took Mum into hospital. I truely thought she would die there and was at greater risk than being at home some days. But we couldn't help her at home anymore. This is a desparate time for you and your whole family and the crying seems to go on forever.
    You will be very tired but I have found keeping a diary, albeit some days sparse because of exhaustion, a really helpful thing. It becomes very hard to remember details and today I read back over my past 4 months worth and I am amazed that I have survived but I have and so will you.
    At the moment there is no light in your tunnel and I can't promise there will be any time soon. I feel calmer now and able to be more objective than when Mum first went into hospital but still have a bit of a weep everytime I see her. One day at a time and don't beat yourself up.
     
  13. ann60

    ann60 Registered User

    Nov 24, 2006
    21
    Australia
    Hi Andy
    It's just so hard knowing the right thing to do. It's not just the person with ad but also the carer that has to be considered. My dad decided last year that he just couldn't cope any longer and mum found a place in a lovely home only five minutes from home. While mum hasn't been violent (not that I know of anyway Dad may not have told me) I do know it can be a fine line getting the medication right. Just a slightly wrong dose can totally change her behaviour. It is heartbreaking listening to the problems you have had but you will get through, look at it this way you have to for your dad. That's how I manage. Like susiewoo the day mum went into care I cried all day and some days I still do. Some days I walk out of the home and sit in the car and cry thinking of the things mum is missing like her grandchildren. I do try to believe everything in life happens for a reason but hard to understand this one. Take heart in knowing that there are so many people who know exactly what you are going through. Look after yourself and keep posting. Ann
     
  14. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,976
    Toronto, Canada
    Ann,
    I think AD is an exception to the saying "Everything happens for a reason." Sometimes things just happen - no rhyme, no reason. Good things and bad things alike.

    I personally do not think things happen for a reason. I do not think the universe was created for the benefit of human beings. Having said that, I think life is beatiful.

    Joanne
     

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