Are we being too optimistic?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by katiel, Apr 13, 2008.

  1. katiel

    katiel Registered User

    Apr 13, 2008
    3
    Walton on Thames
    Hello. Just found this site and posting my first message. Here's my problem. My 85-year-old father has been trying to look after my mother but has got to the point where their frailty and the increasingly hard time she gives him means that he just cannot go on. Things came to a head last week when she ended up in hospital with a fractured hip. She went downhill quite considerably, and social services told dad that she would need a nursing home. We've found a very nice place with space for her, but meanwhile she has rallied somewhat, and when dad put the idea of the home to her she flatly refused to discuss it, let alone agree to it. The hospital wants her out, dad can't take her home, and social services say they can't make her go into the nursing home if she doesn't want to. Dad is still hoping that someone will convince her to go voluntarily, but just how likely is that to happen? And what do we do if she won't? Many thanks for any thoughts.
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi katiel, welcome to TP.

    It's a problem that many members have had, and I don't think there is any way SS can force your mum into a NH. The only way to force her is for the consultant to section her to an assessment unit, but it doesn't sound as if she's ready for that.

    The only real way round it is to lie.

    Tell your mum that she's getting better, but she's not ready to come home yet, she has to have convalescence. Then you just have to keep on lying. The doctors say another week, another few weeks -- until hopefully she will settle.

    I did this with my husband, and I had no trouble at all. He evry quickly settled.

    It's horrible, having to lie to our loved ones, but it's in your mum's best interests, and certainly your dad's. There's no way he could cope if she's not fully mobile.

    Good luck,
     
  3. katiel

    katiel Registered User

    Apr 13, 2008
    3
    Walton on Thames
    Thanks for that Hazel. I don't know what a consultant would be willing to do as mum as also flatly refused to talk to doctors up til now. But we have ascertained that she has dementia of some sort - she recognises very few people now, talks a lot while rarely making sense, can't work out how to get herself dressed in the morning etc etc and follows dad around every waking moment berating him for who knows what. She wakes him up regularly through the night as well to make sure he's still there. Will talk to the family about your ideas, but I think we're all a bit scared of her temper should she see through us - this from a woman who never used to raise her voice!
     
  4. katiel

    katiel Registered User

    Apr 13, 2008
    3
    Walton on Thames
    As I originally posted this question, I wanted to let you know how it was resolved. Dad continued to refuse to take mum home on the basis that he really couldn't look after her, which left mum blocking a hospital bed. So the powers that be held an assessment meeting, and satisfied themselves that they could move mum to the NH we had chosen. Normally I wouldn't be happy to be left out of such a meeting, but this worked well as we had to tell no lies, and we didn't visit mum again until she was in the home and unpacked. How she behaves towards dad now is another story, but at least she's there and being cared for more effectively than dad could do.
     
  5. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Thank you for taking the time to update us as to what has happened with your mum.

    It was probably inevitable that mum would end up in a care facility, given the age and health of your dad.

    Do hope that mum settles down, although be prepared for this to take some time. I am sure that dad will be able to build bridges with mum (sincerly hope so) and that they can then enjoy some good time together whilst visiting.

    (My partner is in a care home, so I do know that you can have some real quality time together, when circumstances permit)

    Take care now.
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Katie, thanks for the update. I'm glad it all worked out so easily in the end.

    I'm sure your dad will feel much better now that the responsibility of 24 hour care has been lifted. I hope your mum sttles well, and your dad enjoys his visits to her.
     

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