Are there ways not to get furious??

[Cucu Mzungu]

My Mum is 97 with moderate dementia - very poor short term memory, volatile moods, and often agitated. Also has heart failure. My sister lives with her. I am there quite often and my sister goes out. My sister and she are very close but even my sister gets angry sometimes. My sister has her own health problems but is mostly more or less OK. My mother is very protective towards my sister. Sometimes my mother is quite nice to me and will thank me for my care and company - or ask reasonable questions such if it is too airy for me when she winds the car window down.

But often she is verbally aggressive and nasty. It is often sort of symbolic - such as throwing the newspapers on the floor when asked about something she doesn't want to do or if her wishes are not met straight away, or sweeping (smallish) stuff off a table . I ask who is to pick it up and told it is my job.

She doesn't do this much to my sister.

Many people have remarked that she is horrible to me.(at times)

She quite often behaves very badly towards to my partner and to a cousin who sometimes cares for her. (And others)They both seem to be able to "ride" it emotionally but I find it very very upsetting...

What to do?

 

[Swoozy]

Hi. My mom turns all of her aggression and anger on my daughter and me never towards anyone else.

There’s nothing I found that I can really do other than keep smiling and hope your good mood rubs off on her x

Try to remember it’s not her it’s the illness. And believe me when I say I know that’s hard x

 

[Tin]

Hi, the only advice I can give is to walk away or cut short your visit-that is if she can be left alone. Wen my mum first moved in with me, lets call it anger, was out of control especially towards me, so I would disappear in to my garden for a short time and then return just saying hello and that was it, if she started on at me again I left the house again, not so easy in the Winter, then I would sneak off to my bedroom and hope she would not come looking for me!

 

[Witzend]

I never did find out how NOT to get furious/to screaming pitch in the first place.
However what I would sometimes do when I really wanted to scream at my mother, was do just that.
Or rather, I would pretend I'd left something in the car, go to said car and put Bohemian Rhapsody on loud, and have a really good SCREEEAM!!!
Very therapeutic! I recommend it.

 

[nae sporran]

That works for me @Witzend, or punch a pillow.

 

[Onmyown]

I'm hiding in my mates house next door until my mum's mood gets better!! Being going on a few days now but as I suspected last few weeks she has a urine infection doctor dosnt know what type? She's been very aggressive and abusive towards me so I'm keeping out of her way for now. I've never seen my mum be aggressive with anyone apart from me as I'm there all the time. It's frustrating but I've learned that if she is left alone for a few hours then she will calm down. Always a horrible atmosphere but I'm not superhuman and Noone has to put up with abuse. Mum goes around slamming doors etc.

 

[JBK]

That works for me @Witzend, or punch a pillow.

good idea. I've found if I get annoyed things only get worse. then he forgets about it whereas it upsets me even more

 

[Wife B]

I try not to get furious but after about three hours of my husband wanting to go home to his wife (who he says I am not) I can't help getting angry as by late evening I am quite tired. I answer his questions as long as possible then I snap. All day everything is normal, it just starts after tea and I just can't understand it.

 

[Beate]

I try not to get furious but after about three hours of my husband wanting to go home to his wife (who he says I am not) I can't help getting angry as by late evening I am quite tired. I answer his questions as long as possible then I snap. All day everything is normal, it just starts after tea and I just can't understand it.

It's because he seems to be suffering from sundowning.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/download/downloads/id/3354/changes_in_behaviour.pdf

 

[Cucu Mzungu]

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I am very respectful of everything you are are all doing especially those of you who live with the person with dementia. I do sometimes shout at my mother "I AM FED UP WITH BEING TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF DIRT..."- but she soon forgets - and sometimes I say, quietly but insistently, three or four times - something like "I am your daughter and I am a human being and I want to be treated with friendliness and respect". Sometimes that seems to work for a while - or maybe it just changes the mood.

 

[Witzend]

Not quite the same, since she wasn't being horrible to me, but constantly saying horrible and quite untrue things about my husband/daughters/siblings. It was very upsetting. (Daughters selfishly trying to stop me going to see her, etc.)
(Might add that my mother had habitually 'enjoyed' seeing herself as a victim, though it did take decades for me to realise this!).
I told her very sharply that if she didn't stop saying such horrible things I was going home NOW (instead of the usual sleepover) - and I meant it, and she must have known I did, because she did stop it, at least for that evening. Her AD was quite bad by then, too.
It was just the once, though.
Looking back, I do sometimes wonder whether I overdid the tiptoeing around her on eggshells, in order to avoid any upset. Maybe a little bit more plain speaking would have been good now and then.

 

[crybaby]

I think the problem with getting angry is that although It's perfectly understandable after what you're going through _ you are human being, after all, it doesn't really help. Believe me, I've been there, done that! I found that to be angry and then guilty about it on top didn't really help me either!
I've used most of the suggestions on here, and here are a couple more
1. Go out of the room, come back in, and suggest a cup of tea
2. Write it all down
3. If can, paint, or use an ordinary pencil, wild things- express your anger on the paper, any old bit of paper will do
4. Try to remember, and say it out loud if you want to, that It's not them carrying on, It's Mr or Mrs Alzheimer.

 

[Cucu Mzungu]

Well it is hard to think it is only the dementia talking when she is not like that to my sister...
And CAN modify sometimes...

Anyway, thanks again to all - I am going tomorrow to stay with her for a week while my sister is away. Neither my mother are or I are looking forward to it!

 

[canary]

Well it is hard to think it is only the dementia talking when she is not like that to my sister...

Ill bet thats Hostess Mode

Hostess mode is a phenomenon thats well known on here and is very, very irritating.
What happens is that the person with dementia (PWD) can sort of pull themselves together and act almost normally, but they can only do it for short lengths of time and it leaves them very tired. Hostess mode is almost always engaged when meeting other family and medical staff, so the family (or doctor) thinks that they are actually not too bad, that you are exaggerating the issues and then they go home leaving you with a grumpy PWD who is tired and confused.

 

[Cucu Mzungu]

Ill bet thats Hostess Mode

Hostess mode is a phenomenon thats well known on here and is very, very irritating.
What happens is that the person with dementia (PWD) can sort of pull themselves together and act almost normally, but they can only do it for short lengths of time and it leaves them very tired. Hostess mode is almost always engaged when meeting other family and medical staff, so the family (or doctor) thinks that they are actually not too bad, that you are exaggerating the issues and then they go home leaving you with a grumpy PWD who is tired and confused.

Actually it ids the opposite - my sister lives with my mother and my mother is very protective of her most of the time...there is confusion in my MUm's mind who is looking after who.

 

[fortune]

I count to ten. Or just pop out for a minute.

 

[gotanybiscuits?]

I have to pop out for a walk to the car & back.
Can't seem to manage the anger very well
& I've had therapy!!
....but that seems to have always been part of my "personality".

That reads worse than I intended

 

[Fullticket]

My garden got a lot of attention at times. Mother yelled, moaned, etc. I smiled and shot out the door. Digging, weeding, planting... Then I came back in and offered a cup of tea like nothing had happened. Often she had forgotten anyway and I decided the only person to get upset was me, so why bother? That's not to say I didn't go down the garden and scream sometimes. Fortunately only fields at the back and only the cows and a few blackbirds to comment on a mad lady losing the plot.