are people with dementia allowed christmas?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by carolyn, Oct 18, 2007.

  1. carolyn

    carolyn Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9
    kent
    my daughter aged 27 phoned me last night. She suggested the whole family come to her and her partner for christmas.

    i agreed and thanked her and said it would be fine as long as my other half could lie down when he was there because this is what makes him most comfortable.

    'oh no then you cant come.'maybe I will see you on boxing day instead'.
     
  2. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    197
    manchester, uk
    Hi Carolyn

    I'v just read your post, wow I'm so sorry your daughter feels that way. I bet that really hurt you. All I can say is I hope by the time Christmas comes she changes her mind. Is there any chance she would consider coming over to you on Christmas day even if just for an hour or so, at least that way you would still be spending sometime together on the day. Maybe if they came over to you for Christmas breakfast or a snack in the evening and that way you get to see your daughter and your partner is in the comfort he enjoys.

    I hope this helps in some way. And I hope when Christmas does come you have a great time.

    Take care
    Clare:)
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    I`m so sorry the hurt has started early Carolyn. I hope your daughter never has to experience that level of hurt for herself.
    Love xx
     
  4. Devonmaid

    Devonmaid Registered User

    Sep 23, 2007
    51
    Dartmoor Devon
    Oh Carolyn, that must have hurt you so much . Lets hope that it was just one of those things said without any real thinking and that your daughter soon realises that it was so unfair to you and yours .
    Love Kate x
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Dear Carolyn

    What a shame, with luck your daughter will give this some thought and realise just how important this would be for you. I'm sure she just didnt think.
     
  6. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Unfortunately some people just can't grasp what someone with dementia is going through. That is the really sad part.

    Christmas is a difficult time particulary those family gatherings which can become intimidating for someone with dementia. Your idea of letting your other half lie down makes complete sense to me. It allows him to be included when he is comfortable and to slip away when anxious etc. Great idea. It also gives you some christmas time. I really hope you can find a compromise.

    Christmas was a difficult time for dad, particularly in the early and mid stages. We'd take him for a long walk as it was hard to get him to lie down.

    Kind Regards
    Craig
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,111
    Toronto, Canada
    Carolyn,
    It's a real shame your daughter feels that way. Maybe she needs to read this thread to realize how she has hurt you. I hope she simply wasn't thinking things through.
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #8 Margarita, Oct 18, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2007
    That dose sound hurtful . young adult children do say thinks not intentionally , they just don't think before they come out with a comment like that .

    can't you came to some compromise like letting her father sit on a high level back chair where he can nap when he like .

    but knowing modern furniture that they like they so low , even the beds are so low , that my mother could lift herself up from my daughter bed

    I took my mother to my daughter flat , she sat on one of her single settee , mum could not lift herself up , because it was so low, every time she got up she fall back down , even when we told her to hold on to zimmer frame as she stood up , No back down she fall in to chair thank God she laugh out loud , took 4 go to get her balance to stand up hold on to zimmer frame walk off , looking in bed room No way I thought
     
  9. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Carolyn

    I can well understand why you are hurt. What a thoughtless comment! (Well, I am assuming here that she knows all about her Dad's condition.)

    I cannot understand why it would not be possible for him to lie down. She must surely have a bed that she uses. Surely he can lie on that with a blanket.

    I know in the earlier stages Mum used to be very anxious at Christmas as it was not routine and everyone was different and visiting her in the NH the first year was ok, she still had enough recollection, but then it was 2 years of anxiety and last year she was so far gone she didn't notice any difference! However in the two anxious years she had a distinct case of sensory overload at Christmas and needed to lie down in her room quietly as there had just been too much going on.

    Maybe you could write a letter to your daughter explaining that her comment hurt you, which you are sure she didn't mean to do, but how you would love to spend Christmas with the family and why Dad needs to lie down.

    (((((hugs))))

    Mameeskye
     
  10. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Carolyn,
    The thought of Christmas is a herrendous time for us all. I have been dreading spending Christmas without Peter. Should I go to the N.H. or spend it with the Granchildren. On reading your daughter's remark, that must have really upset you. My youngest son is getting married in April and although Peter could never go his name is still on our invitation. I was very touched by my son's approach. He know's his step-father cannot go but my son still showed respect. I sincerely hope your daughter has a change of heart for your benifit and in due time hers.
    best wishes
    Christine
     
  11. carolyn

    carolyn Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9
    kent
    thank you

    thanks to all of you who replied. You helped me get things back in perspective again! perhaps we forget what it was like to be young andnot to understand disease or illness. Your comments were wise and comforting!!:)
     
  12. okmurrays

    okmurrays Registered User

    Oct 17, 2007
    118
    kelowna, bc, canada
    I think some people don't know how to deal with mental illnesses and therefore they often react badly without meaning too.
    One thing that has heartened me is how my daughter has responded to her much loved grandpa declining. She treats him as if there's nothing wrong, is patient when he gets confused, smiles when he forgets she's 12 now rather than a toddler, and emails my mum and dad every couple of days. Perhaps we can all learn from kids!
     
  13. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi Carolyn, I hope that you can all come to a happy solution. My daughter (30) also decided that it would be best to hold Christmas at her place.
    My dad wasn't pleased as Christmas is always held at his place but with mum been in the care home and me been very hesitant to bring her back to her place, this all sounded a great idea.
    My mum's birthday is also on Christmas day. It puzzles me as to how simple requests can meet objections. Take Care Taffy.
     
  14. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    For last 25 years our Christmas was "dictated" by my Mothers demands/moans/groans and nothing you ever did was right

    This year we will be away for Christmas ...........wonderful
     
  15. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    It delends on personal circumstance - distance, etc - but I always do both.

    I go to have lunch with Jan at the home [this is one time I am there lunchtime and ask staff to feed her, as we both get a fantastic meal and it lifts the load a bit]. Then I drive 50 miles back and have another [late] lunch with family and grandchildren.

    It works for me - the managing of two distinct Christmases that is. The situation will never work, in my head.
     
  16. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Personlly, my day will e spent with Lionel.

    Last christmas I was able to wheel him into the dining room, and sit together to enjoy a supurb lunch.

    This year he will be confined to his room. My family all understand my wishes.
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I'll be spending the day with John too. But Christmas is always hard for me, I don't regret missing out on the jollities, though I do regret that we won't be in our own home.:(
     
  18. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,111
    Toronto, Canada
    Christmas Day lunch will be spent with my mother in the home. Later in the day, we will go to my sister-in-law's for a huge family get together (30 or more people). Then Boxing Day I have some close friends over for another Christmas dinner - we'll be maybe a dozen people. I started the Boxing Day tradition a few years ago when my MIL was still alive, so that we could have a Christmas Day celebration with both mothers. It has worked out very well. Last year was the first year I didn't have my mother home, due to her wheelchair and other problems.

    But we now a great tradition going with Boxing Day and everyone involved enjoys it.
     
  19. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    My simplistic view as a Christian - if Jesus knew how much his birthday celebrations could cause so much angst he'd cancel his own parties ...... :rolleyes:

    Or maybe this is a test of some of our faith to reach compromise and / or personal levels of sacrifice?

    Sadly the commercialism of 'throwing great parties' has long overtaken the meaning of coming together and 'celebrating' every life in its true sense.....

    Right, sorry - put that soapbox well out of the way .......:(

    Karen, x
     
  20. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hmm, I was meaning to ask about Christmas. Hubby and daughters assume that Mum will be coming to us as usual, but I'm not so sure. Last time I took her to somewhere remotely familiar she got very confused and frightened that the Home wouldn't let her back, so I have been hesitating about Christmas.

    What do people think? I'd love to have her if only for a few hours, but I am scared it will confuse her just as she is getting settled in the Home. What about just inviting her for Christmas tea (not that we usually have any after a big lunch), or for Boxing Day - or will she want to be with her family for the main meal?

    I just don't know - and I don't suppose anyone else does either!

    But glad of your opinions.

    Margaret
     

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