approaching the subject of driving

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Jodie Lucas, Mar 5, 2007.

  1. Jodie Lucas

    Jodie Lucas Registered User

    Dec 3, 2005
    57
    Eastbourne
    Hi everyone,

    After recent incidents of driving and getting lost my mum and her sister are going to talk to my gran about giving up driving. We all know that is likely to go down like a lead balloon and i was wondering about whether there was any good way of approaching this or anyone elses experiences?

    Jodie
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Jodie

    It's hard, because it's a blow to morale to be told you're no longer able to drive.
    In your place I'd pass the buck. Either write to DVLA yourself, or ask your gran's GP or consultant to write. DVLA will then investigate, and most likely cancel your gran's licence.

    That way, your gran will not be able to blame your mum or aunt. It's so important to try to maintain trust within the family, and the doctors are used to it. In fact, consultants normally notify DVLA immediately on diagnosis.

    Good luck,
     
  3. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia


    I would definitely go the "doctor route" if I were you. Dad was VERY upset over losing his license and accused us and the Nursing Home of "conspiring" against him - and he didn't have dementia! Had frequent strokes and was declining physically so had to give up driving. Fortunately the doctor made it out to be a "routine thing" for persons of a certain age (in Dad's case - over 80) and Dad more or less accepted his word. Doctors seem to have more sway I think and they don't mind (or say they don't!) bearing the brunt if it spares the family.

    I do wish you luck! It is very hard to do but absolutely essential for safety reasons. Nell
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    There are two issues which come up time and time again. They are driving and money.

    The issue of money and managing finance is a niusance, causing constant argument, necessitating explanations, and often leading to accusations.

    The issue of driving, causes further loss of self esteem, more arguments, denial, but could result in accidents or worse.

    I agree it makes life easier for the family if the doctor can be blamed. My mother said she would have shot me if she`d had a gun, because I reported her to the doctor.

    But it was better to face her anger and hurt than take the risk of her causing an accident.

    Good luck Jodie
     
  5. Jodie Lucas

    Jodie Lucas Registered User

    Dec 3, 2005
    57
    Eastbourne
    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for the advice guys. She hasn't yet had had a diagnosis of dementia (we are waiting for an appointment for an MRI scan). Fingers crossed for tomorrow!


    Jodie
     
  6. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Dad made his own mind that he didn't want to drive anymore, the doctor had said it was ok for him to drive before Dad's decision. He gave up driving in October. Due to an oversight on my behalf (I had put all car keys on one keyring making it easier when people came to view the car), he picked up car keys instead of house keys one day in December! What a day that was!!! I attend all his doctors appointments with him, on this particular day he had an appiontment to try and cut a long story short, he drove himself to the doctors and I ended up in such a state that he wasn't home when I went to collect him!!! At the end of that day it turned out fine!! In January i found a letter with my Dad's things from our local Police force asking him to produce documents! He had an accident on that day, I obviously didn't know anything about it, the other party had reported it to the Police. I explained to the Police the circumstances and that I had returned his driving licence to Swansea. They were quite happy that his licence has been confiscated, however the other party have now gone through their insurance company, and they have an independent witness. Needless to say that Dad has no recollection whatsoever, I am now waiting to see where we go from here!!
     
  7. Scoop

    Scoop Registered User

    Nov 20, 2006
    99
    When my Dad has to stop driving it will be a dark day for sure... not too far off I suspect either. He only ever goes anywhere with my Mum, he gets lost but still drives ok. Am hoping he'll lose interest ( as he is starting to with most things ) before he gets told he can't.

    My Dad has always done the driving, it's going to be a big blow to him when that's gone :(
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Gosh Susi, what an awful thing to happen. Was your dad's insurance still running?

    If not, I hope someone is able to show some compassion -- insurance company, police, other driver? Oh heck, poor you.

    Let us know how you get on.

    Love,
     
  9. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Thanks for your reply Hazel, for a start Dad's insurance wouldn't speak to me about the incident, I had to send a letter to them signed by Dad! I think the other party are just out for what they can get!!! Dad's insurance was still up and running at the time, it expired this month, I tried to fill an accident report as much as I could and put a covering letter with. The scary bit was the only day he had driven for a couple of months and the one thing I didn't want to happen, actually happened on that day. Also scary was the letter from the Police that I knew nothing about!!!!
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oh heck again!!!!!!!

    At least the insurance was running, though whether the fact that the licence was confiscated.................oh heck!!!!!!!!!!

    It's so scary what can happen. I'm going to hide our car keys from now on. I don't think John would remember how to start the car, but..........

    Seems compassion's sadly lacking. So what's new?

    Love,
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,732
    Kent
    My husband stopped driving in November 2005, when he broke his arm. It probably took him one year to accept it.

    Now he has no desire to drive and all resentment has gone. He no longer looks enviously at other drivers and is perfectly satisfied with public transport.

    Miracles DO happen.
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    From our side, we see that point of view.

    Turn it around just a minute, though. How about if you were driving along and someone bumped into you. Wouldn't you be wanting their insurance to pay, and for you not to lose your no claim's bonus? What if you only had 3rd party insurance on your car, and the car was essential to you?
     
  13. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    My Mother was stopped from driving by the DVLA but boy was there a row from her and insistance that her driving was perfect

    She was 89 had clearly had several "little bumps " realy feel for those whose cars she damaged in her hit and run !!!

    I gather that the AA mechanic she called out umpteen times must have reported her in February and also a neighbour but it still took the DVLA from March to July to send her a revocation of licence notice

    If only her doctors had bothered to recognise her vascular dementia and tackle her on the issue we might have had an easier time with her and her death would not have reaped a fortune for Gordon Browns coffers
     
  14. Conrad

    Conrad Registered User

    Jan 15, 2007
    16
    My aunt loved driving but it became clear from her reports of various 'trips' and how rude other drivers were becoming - gesturing and shouting - that she was losing the ability

    The doctor said she shouldn't drive but didn't write to the dvla - not that it would have made any difference - she still owned a car and had the keys - and she said outright they were all talking rubbish



    Then she crashed her car getting it out of the garage, the AA man who attended surreptitiously handed me the keys - we had the car taken away to be repaired - it was written off and she go the money - she would never have given the keys up - the AA chap could see this and could see she couldn't drive

    gradually she's forgotten about it all -
     
  15. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    I have discovered that both Mum and Dad were driving, probably long before, DAD was made to stop driving by the geriatric consultant, who in my Mother's mind is "The devil incarnate" THAT MAN WHO TOOK THE CAR AWAY. Mother has never driven a car in her life.

    When I am driving them in my own car nowadays, Mum will "be the eyes and navigator. Habit, I suppose. "Go here" while waving a hand in front of my face, although she hasn't a clue WHERE we are going and shouts the "warnings" WATCH THAT CAR. It does make me jump, especially when the said car is miles away or maybe there is no car at all "

    I think that for a few years, before we realised that Dad was no longer competant to drive, Mum was covering for him. It was a combined effort as so many things still are and I think it is wonderful that after nearly 61 years of married life and dementia they still try to support each other as best they can.

    Maybe, driving is not the safest example to show support, but I'm sure you will know what I mean

    Alfjess
     
  16. sooty

    sooty Registered User

    Feb 17, 2007
    50
    Nova Scotia Canada
    When I posted yesterday that when I told my Mom to give up driving as the doctor had said she had to, she said 'alright'. Today another story. She will not she says now and said I will sue him(the doctor). I told her not to drive again and phoned her friends to tell them too they are not to drive with her. She insists on having the car left in the driveway though. Mmmm. So I filled in the M1 form for the DVLA to tell them she is an unfit driver. She should really do this but cannot write or read now very well and signed my own name but said in a letter with it that her doctor could be called to confirm the test results supported my application and that she is unfit to drive and could not fill in the form herself. I am going to the UK April 17 to sort all this out get her licence and surrender it. She is all boiled up about it but only in the morning when her dementia is not as bad. In the evening she cannot really follow a conversation at all and is more compliant. Just saying yes and no. Thisis avery hard topic to deal with as with no car she cannot get extra food at the top of the road, go for her feet, or the hairdresser. Her 'boyfriend' of 89 says he will take her but he drove inot a pole last month and she says he should not be driving. Talk about calling the kettle black. Sooty
     
  17. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    #17 Brucie, Mar 29, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2007
    In similar circumstances, somebody posted on TP in the past that they disabled the engine of the car so it could not be driven. When the garage arrived to fix it, they agreed to say it could not be fixed. That seemed to work.

    It is dreadful when things come to this, but everyone's safety is so important.
     
  18. Conrad

    Conrad Registered User

    Jan 15, 2007
    16
    So true - you have to deprive them of the 'physical' means of driving

    take the keys or take the car - it's your moral duty to other people

    it's not enough to take away the legal permission to drive - in itself it won't stop them

    I couldn't live with knowing I had left them in charge of a lethal piece of machinery when I knew they couldn't drive properly
     
  19. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    I don't suppose there's any way this could be approached from a cost-saving point of view? My mother gave up driving well before her strokes, and not coincidentally, saved a ton of money doing so. Since she was only using the car for very local trips, even paying for taxis she saved literally thousands a year. Not from just the cost of running the car, you understand, but also from having less opportunity to make spur of the moment purchases. I realise, though, this requires reasoning ability that may be absent.

    Jennifer
     
  20. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    I drove my Dad to a lunch in Liverpool today (about 25 miles) and although I knew exactly where I was going I didn't go the way my Dad would normally have gone because I didn't know that way and thought if we got lost this would make matters worse. This resulted in him shouting at me, calling me an idiot , saying 'we'd be there by now if you'd done as you were told!' etc... I dropped him off at the door on time but he still wasn't happy.

    I picked him up 2 hours later and to humour him agreed to let him direct me back the way he would have gone. He directed me on to an industrial estate.. left here...right here..... Just as I was beginning to lose hope of ever seeing civilisation again we came to the main road, 2 cars ahead of the car I had been behind.

    I admitted defeat and my Dad had the pleasure of saying 'I told you so!':D
     

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