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Appreciating now some positives

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by catbells, Jun 20, 2015.

  1. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    I have been to a couple of funerals since my Mum`s 3 months ago, deaths not through dementia, but long term illnesses and am now appreciating our "long-goodbyes".
    I knew there must be some positives from this terrible disease and I feel I have discovered one which is not only a release for the patients but ...
    Those who loose their loved ones, suddenly, or through long term illness don`t start closure on house sale/clearance/clothing and personal effects until after the funeral to start this process, whereas, for me and maybe others on TP, we have been clearing items over years, Moved my Mum twice, so downscaled her belongings over these two moves, then finally after her "passing", just a few personal effects, although it was heartbreaking to do this at the time, that job was done and dusted before her passing. People like us have had to say "goodbye" gradually not only to the person, but their homes/clothes personal effects. I expect either way, it is a very painful thing to have to do whenever you do it, but for me, dementia and its long goodbyes help to me "recover" (I don`t mean forget/ grieve) quicker, because generally everything has been sorted. I just had to make the "£phone calls" to authorities etc. Not sure I`m being very clear here, but I think you understand my meaning.
    I also have watched the "Dementiaville" programmes so far and have drawn comfort from the 2nd showing, where it was explained, dementia sufferers may loose us, family etc, but they don`t loose their emotions which now explains quite a bit of my experience with Mum. She didn`t know who I was or the carers, but she knew deep down I was special, as the carers kept reasuring me of, she gave a lot of love, affection to everybody and received it in return. She had cardio vascular, and remained in a happy demeanour throughout her illness.
    Anyway these are my thoughts for today and hope somewhere out there someone may take comfort as they recover from their loss, there has to be something positive about this experience.
    I wrote earlier about my body crashing, 4 weeks after her passing - severe vertigo - well 10 weeks later, and lots of sports back/neck massages/exercises & tia chi breathing exercises, undoing years and years of body muscle tension,(I would described as an elastic band at full stretch just waiting to snap) the vertigo has almost left me. Only using medication to suppress the symptons. I now understand the term "A death is still a shock even when expected" I think I`ve now worn the t-shirt. My body is at lasting learning (with the help as described) to relax, my mind too, not looking back to often now, I`m focussing on looking forward. Based on the "Live for the moment - the NOW" philosophy. I have my moments of course, but inbetween I`m getting there keeping busy, reading more, working in the garden and enjoying more quality time away with my husband caravanning - he deserves my time now, god knows he has been at the bottom of my agenda for some years.
    Byee for now
    Heather :)
  2. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    I do know what you mean, Catbells. My mum died a year ago and I remember feeling guiltily grateful to her that things were so simple to finalise afterwards. Like you, my mum's house and belongings had already been sold/passed on to family and all she had left in her CH were a few favourite ornaments, some clothes and her jewellery.:(

    It must have been much sadder for mum though, than for those who die with their homes and 'lives' intact so to speak...if she remembered any of it.:(

    And of course the situation is different for those whose partners suffered/are suffering from this dreadful, dreadful disease.
  3. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    thank you Starryuk for your comment
    As an only child I had to make some very difficult decisions and the hardest one I think was when I had to move her into a CH without her permission but for her own safety. I couldn`t reason with her at all, but after 10 days she accepted the move. 2 weeks later she was diagnoised with cardio vascular mixed dementia SEVERE! I knew I had done the right thing as she was vulnerable, wandering at night and shop lifting.
    It must have been hard for her to have her life turned up-side-down taking away her secure feeling of living with her own furniture/routine etc etc, but very soon after the move she didn`t recognised her own belongings. Given the diagnoises so soon after the move I couldn`t allow myself to feel guilty, this was something I had to do out of love for her.
    Bye for now
    Take care and thank you for your response
    Heather x:)
  4. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    Thank you catbells for posting your thoughts. It does help me. I had slight vertigo before but after mum died and even now I have had to put off going places as I can't even manage the train bridge!! Also had the feeling that I will snap with any minor stress. Reading your post makes me think this is near normal following the death and caring for someone so close. So to start looking at positives... Got my favourite CD on and booked a hair cut. Thanks x

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