appoint. to meet GP following death

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Lulu, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Despite Mum's failing health due to her advanced dementia, her death was sudden and unrelated. The GP warned of her impending death just hours before she died, and upon asking what he thought the cause was he said words to the effect of 'those questions come afterwards'. When Mum did die the coroner thought a PM unnecessary and as she was going to donate brain tissue which needed to be done in a timely way, I didn't push for a PM. The question remains in my mind however; what did cause her sudden death?
    I have made an appointment to speak to the GP to see if he can give me his educated guesses (he mentioned previoiusly that he could make such guesses), but my husband thinks this meeting is going to serve no purpose whatsoever. I would welcome thoughts on this, whether to cancel the appointment and just let things be, or to go?
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,901
    Nottinghamshire
    Hello @Lulu

    My condolences. You must be shocked by your mum’s sudden passing.

    If it will put your mind at rest go and see the GP. My dad died suddenly a few months ago. He also had advanced dementia but his death was unexpected. A PM wasn’t done as given his recent medical history the likely cause of death was a bleed on the brain similar to the one he’d survived in summer. That was good enough for me. Of course I can’t be certain because the PM was never done.

    I spoke to the paramedics who attended dad’s death and was content to accept their assessment.
     
  3. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
     
  4. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,063
    Female
    Chester
    Condolences on your mum's passing.

    If it might help put your mind at rest, go ahead with the meeting as it needs to be done now in the immediacy of your mum's death or not at all, but just be prepared that the answers won't be definitive, and you need to accept that, which is probably what your husband is getting at, and you will need to let things be to some extent, your mum was elderly and ill, and you can't turn back time or change what happened.
     
  5. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Thankyou for your kind replies. Yes, I was also thinking along those lines - the meeting needs to be held now or not at all (have had to wait 3 weeks to get an appointment). I suppose I just need reassurance that the GP's educated guesses are the same as my (less educated) guesses. I realise that the clock can't go back and in fact her death was the best thing that could have happened at that stage, dementia-wise. Whatever casued her death actually saved her from what was yet to unfold, so in that respect I am relieved.

    My condolences to you also, Bunpoots.








     
  6. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391

    Sorry, I am getting my replies all muddled up. Thanks juggling Mum
     
  7. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,383
    Kent
    I am sorry to hear that your mum has suddenly passed away. This happened to my dad with dementia although in his case it was a sudden downturn due to sepsis and whilst shocked at the suddeness thought it saved dad from an even less quality of dementia life future and a blessing for him. However in my mum's case...we found her on arriving for her birthday lunch it was clear she had died tea time the previous evening and dad because of dementia couldn't get help. It had come completely out of the blue no warning I had spoken to her probably 2 hours before she died so obviously a PM was carried out. When the coroner phoned to say a catastrophic stroke and instantaeous and even if a dr had been standing next to her nothing could be done it was a huge comfort to us because the thought that she needed help and dad or we couldn't was so upsetting. I am sharing my experience although different because I think if it is important for you to have as many answers as you feel you need then you should try if it will give you comfort and help with your grieving process. Your OH may well deal with things in a a different way...but that's the point...we are all different and do things differently.
     
  8. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391

    What a terrible shock for you. Knowing there was nothing anyone could have done was very helpful for you I am sure. Yes, I think it is the fact that I want to be left with the least number of questions - to have as much information as I can possibly get, and I don't want my imagination running away with me into the future and then being unable to go back and ask. Decision made then. Thank you all once more.
     
  9. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    1,962
    Female
    East Midlands
    @Lulu many condolences on your mum’s sudden passing. I think I would want to know what caused her death as well & in fact wanted to know what the actual causes were for my mun’s passing which was expected - the overall cause was dementia but then she had 3 other additional causes which were constipation, bowel obstruction & aspiration pneumonia. We knew what was going on & I suppose that helps the healing process for yourself in knowing there was nothing that could be done.

    The CT scan didn’t show anything ( she came in with sickness & pain) she would probably had to have had an operation to see what was causing the obstruction & the probability was that she wouldn’t survive an operation either. I hope the meeting with the dr alleviates your questions & gives you some peace of mind x
     
  10. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    423
    Female
    High Peak
    I hope the doctor can answer your questions and give you some closure. If he/she agreed with your guesses that would give you peace of mind, but what if you disagree with what he/she says? Will that leave you more uneasy?

    Without a PM all a doctor can do is give their best guesses. Will that be enough?
     
  11. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    My sympathy on your loss.

    I think it's best to go ahead with the meeting, as otherwise you might regret it or become preoccupied with wondering what the doctor would have said.
    But I agree with the other posters who say you may have to live with uncertainties even so.

    You did the right thing regarding no pms given the brain donation, which may help research to help other sufferers in the future.

    Even though I know what my Mum died of - pneumonia - it all happened so quickly that I still find myself pondering 'what ifs'.

    Wishing you all the best for your grieving process - it's just so sad, losing a mother, however you look at it. It is a watershed in life. But I hope we can both be grateful for what our mothers gave us and eventually feel more at peace. xx
     
  12. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391

    Yes, that is all I want from him - his best guesses, but he is more educated in his guesses, and I just don't want it left to my imagination. I have my own guesses too and I hope that they coincide with his. None of us will ever know really, and I am aware of that. Thank you for helping
     
  13. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391

    Thanks, Marcelle. I think whatever the GP says will still leave that uncertaintly, but he did give the impression he had a pretty good idea - that's what I want - a pretty good idea, even if it can only be guesswork at this point. Mum's entire dementia illness was all based on guesswork anyway - we never knew anything about anything, dementia robs you of certainties?

    It's good of you to say we made the right decision re brain donation. A PM would have delayed that and so we had a choice to make. And yes, losing a mother is hard, as I am finding out. Oh to turn back that clock - but she had zero quality of life and you can only wish her to be here with us for so long before the other option, of dying, is better. This site is packed full of good people -wives, husbands, daughters, sons .....all trying to do their best.
     
  14. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    There had to be cause of death on the death certificate. Was there any indication of what that might be? Just curious as you haven't mentioned it.
     
  15. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Well you have all been very helpful. I had been prepared to cancel the GP app today but went ahead and glad I did. We of course can never say for sure what the cause of death was but have narrowed it down to 3 probable causes, one of which is the most probable. So I am content with that. Glad I went!
     
  16. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    253
    Sorry for your sudden loss Lulu xx
     
  17. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,383
    Kent
    I am glad the meeting gave you the answers you needed.
     
  18. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    611
    My condolences on your mum’s death, glad you got some answers today.

    When my dad died suddenly just over a month ago the Coroner called me and said he was trying to contact the GP who had last seen dad to see if they could avoid doing a post mortem and just put on the death certificate end stage Dementia. My first instinct was that I was happy to accept this, as I didn’t like the idea of dad being cut open. However the Dr said he had only seen dad briefly about a week before so couldn’t say for certain that was the cause. So they had to do the PM and it came back that dad had actually suffered a heart attack. I actually feel better knowing this and Dementia was not the cause. It has also given me comfort knowing that it was quick and just shortly before he had enjoyed a lovely meal fed to him by one of his favourite carers and he had just been laughing.

    Take care. X
     
  19. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Thanks Elle3. I do think we are better having as much information as possible otherwise there are always those lingering doubts.We need all the comfort we can get in the situations we on this site find ourselves in. I am glad you too had comfort. Many thanks for adding your post. I had actually been on the verge of cancelling the appointment as others around me were asking what the point of it was - you can't change anything, it happened, forget it, hence my post on here. Replies here reassured me and it was the right thing to do.
     
  20. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    1,962
    Female
    East Midlands
    I’m glad you found comfort in going - shows it was the right thing to do at this time & it won’t be a case of what if.
     

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