Apologies, I just need to vent some steam...

[The Whippet Walker]

This last weekend, my eldest brother and younger sister came to visit Mum and (allegedly) give me a weekend off.

I was absolutely infuriated! Not only did they arrive and immediately start being snide about my not having done all the housework in my mother's big 4-bedroom house as well as keeping on top of my smallholding and livestock a few miles away, but rather than spending time with Mum they pitched straight into cleaning and rearranging her kitchen and bathroom - meaning my mother spent two days basically hiding in her bedroom and being talked over and told what she wanted and felt! At one point I was so incensed that my sister answered a question for my mother without even pausing to let her speak that I banged the kettle down and walked over to ask Mum if she wanted another cup of tea, to which my sister started to say no again and Mum hurriedly said yes please! Needless to say she got the tea.

Even when they weren't turning the house upside down in front of her eyes, my siblings talked to each other rather than to Mum, and when they did talk to her, they addressed her in slow, loud voices and put everything as statements - 'you'll like this won't you, it's nice and clean and we've moved the freezer, that's a better place for it'. (No it flipping wasn't - they'd moved it so it cramped the space around the sink and kettle, displacing the bin and recycling out of the room entirely!)

What really gets my goat is that when they arrived, my brother told me they (my siblings) had been discussing what to do with Mum's bank accounts and they'd decided that it would be best if she was given a small allowance each month, so she couldn't spend too much, and the rest would be put into a household bills account Mum wouldn't be allowed to touch. Now, my sister and I are attorneys for Mum, both financial and welfare, but my brother is not. He has no legal standing to involve himself and my sister should not be discussing it with him - we have a duty of confidentiality! Nor should they be intervening in how Mum's bank accounts are set up - she wants someone else to do all the tedious stuff with computers and things, but she knows her own mind when it comes to spending money, she never wastes a penny and she'd be absolutely devastated if she found someone had changed her banking arrangements! It's one of her particular satisfactions to watch over my shoulder as I go through her accounts each month and check every direct debit has gone on time, show her her various pensions arriving on the dot and check her invoices against her outgoings to be sure her bills are all paid.

Not once did they ask Mum - or even tell her it was a suggestion! At least they waited until she wasn't there and then told me behind her back.

Oh, and I didn't get my weekend off, either. I ended up cooking for them, running them to the tip twice because they'd filled my trailer with what they called rubbish (I pulled some of Mum's prized treasures out and put them away again!) and after they'd gone, Mum begged me to put her kitchen straight again so I then had to find and restore everything, under her supervision!

I'm now wondering if I should pop to the bank as soon as it opens in the new year and tell them not to change anything without my say-so! I'm certainly going to find someone who'll come in and sit with Mum and listen to her say what she wants to do with the future so I have an independent witness when I have the inevitable fight with my siblings (I already blew my top at my brother and told him to stop trying to run our lives - for some reason I gritted my teeth all the way to Sunday evening and then I was moving something of mine out of the shed into the trailer to take home and he asked if I wanted help, I said no, I'd rather do it myself, he said don't be silly, grabbed the other end and that was the straw that broke the camel's back) .... they're already talking about selling her house to fund her care home fees and she was only diagnosed a couple of months back, has said repeatedly she doesn't want to go into care (her mother died in respite when I was 7 and we'd gone on holiday) and I'm very willing to continue caring for her as long as possible - I helped Mum care for Dad in his last years, and I've been on hand and helping her out ever since - about the last 15 years or so. My siblings live hundreds of miles away and visit a few days a year at most).

In a way it kind of backfired on them, though - they put Mum's back up (she's very quiet, very polite and exceedingly stubborn) and she's now asking how soon she can move into my house, sell her house and then maybe look for another property in the area with a nicer house, more land and which we can share - my place is adequate but something of a fixer-upper and I've not been there long enough to do all the fixing-up yet. That, too, might be a backfire from my sister's domineering streak - her suggestion was I sell my place and Mum's and buy a place closer to her so she can take on more of the caring. Right now I have to say I'm seeing that the 'buy somewhere together' bit stuck but Mum's not on board with moving to the other side of the country, away from her remaining friends... particularly as my sister's area doesn't have suitable properties for my critters within even the most optimistic joint budget and Mum loves feeding my ducks and watching the geese! I'm not up for moving to the other side of the country either - my support network is where I am, I don't want to have to start building a new one when I want to be looking after Mum and caring for my critters!

Okay, vent over. Steam only trickling faintly out of my ears. Thanks for being a community where I can do this safely, and sorry I've inflicted it on you.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @The Whippet Walker

I`m glad you feel able to off load here and hope it helped.

Family interference is the biggest cause of added stress I can imagine. It does sound as if your siblings live a fair distance away so it will not be too easy for them to be continually on your doorstep.

My sister had no contact with our mother but at least she left me alone to make decisions.

 

[Rosalind297]

WOWSERS @The Whippet Walker what a frustrating experience.

i think that you said that your mother has had a recent diagnosis of dementia. Just because she has dementia doesn’t mean she hasn’t got capacity under the Mental Capacity Act 2005 ( which was amended this year). It sounds as if your mother may still have capacity if she is making her own decisions even if requiring someone else (you) to execute them. It sounds as though she remembers things too which is part of the test. If she still has capacity, your siblings cannot force her to do anything she doesn’t agree to - it is a common misunderstanding that Power of Attorney confers these rights.

My reading of your post is that your brother and sister mean well but lack the emotional intelligence to take in any signals from your mother and you and are probably blundering through their preconceived plans for “helping” to give you “support” and your mother “a better quality of life” without subtlety and consideration. Your brother waiving away your declining his help in moving the object from the shed, is the whole situation writ small. He wants to help, you are not in need of it but he blithely blunders on regardless. I don’t think there is anything malicious or underhand in their attempts to take control of the finances or living conditions, just complete cackhandedness.

My brother investigated putting Mum into care three years ago but as principal carer, I resisted and I’m damned glad I did because, whilst she is in a CH now, the last GP report following her annual MOT was that she is healthy and strong and could live another five years. If she had gone in three years ago we would be running out of money with another three years of her life left. Of course there are no guarantees but it would have been stressful for us. What I’m saying is, don’t jump the gun on care for a variety of reasons.

Give your whippet(s) a scritch behind the ears from me! It will help you calm down too!

 

[Louise7]

I'm now wondering if I should pop to the bank as soon as it opens in the new year and tell them not to change anything without my say-so! I'm certainly going to find someone who'll come in and sit with Mum and listen to her say what she wants to do with the future so I have an independent witness when I have the inevitable fight with my siblings

It's not clear whether your Mum has mental capacity or not - I've referred to this in your other thread about you buying a property jointly with her. A financial power of attorney can be used either only when the person loses mental capacity or as soon as the LPA has been registered, but only with consent. You need to check what the power of attorney says if you are unsure of the position before going into the bank and requesting that they don't change anything without your say so.

For info, a health & welfare power of attorney can not be used until your Mum has lost capacity. Although you and your sister have joint & several attorney responsibility there are likely to be problems if you disagree with each other so I'd recommend trying your hardest to make sure that you talk things through. Caring for someone with dementia is hard enough without family disagreements!

 

[The Whippet Walker]

Thanks all - I do feel better for letting off a head of steam!

Mum does and doesn't have capacity. Some days she does, some days she doesn't. Some subjects she does, some she doesn't. She seems to be responding well to Memantine at the moment, even at the low starter dose, as the bad days have been getting fewer in the past couple of weeks - we'll see if that holds for the next few months before uncrossing fingers.

I chose to activate the PoAs now because I wanted to regularise the situation with the bank - rather than them thinking Mum was totally with online banking, they needed to know she wasn't and was telling me what to do. I made sure my local branch knew that I'm acting under her instructions, not stepping in to override her directions. On her good days she's perfectly capable of handling her own finances face to face in a bank branch, but on her bad days or online, she's not. What I don't want is my sister jumping the gun and telling the bank to change everything around to suit her ideas without stopping to talk it through with Mum as well as me! (But not, actually, my brother. Duty of confidentiality forbids that unless Mum authorises it. If she does authorise it, that's fine - but someone needs to ASK her first!)

As a family we tend to be self-willed and determined. It's not necessarily a bad trait but pigheaded stubbornness is the flip side and my sister's accustomed to wearing the trousers in any relationship she's in. It might suit her husband (must do, they're into their 20th anniversary year now, I think!) but it's the wrong approach for these circumstances.

And now back to helping Mum search the house for something else misplaced at the weekend.... it's really upset her to have everything turned upside down like this, she said just now it feels like it's not her house any more! It may take me quite a while before I've cooled off enough to brace the siblings on their rude, colonial mindsets...

2 whippets duly ear-scratched and cuddled all night.

 

[Rosalind297]

Fluctuating capacity is a common problem but there is plenty of guidance on the internet to get a ruling.

My Mum has had vascular dementia for 12 years but was only assessed as having no capacity in November of this year. This was done by her GP but obviously it needn’t be. Your siblings really need to understand the legal position. My brother didn’t despite being a very senior public servant! I am an ex-lawyer (labour law) so am congenitally drawn to researching the legal position.

Keep scritching those ears!

 

[Lawson58]

Do you think your siblings are living in blissful ignorance about dementia and really thought they were being 'helpful'? And really have little understanding of what your mother wants?

Obviously your relationship with your mum is very different to theirs so maybe if your mum has capacity, she could revoke the POA as it now stands and make you sole POA.

My husband changed his will just recently and our doctor very willingly completed a certificate of testamentary capacity. My OH was diagnosed over five years ago but I agreed with the doctor that he still was capable of making such an important decision. So it can be done but I would suggest you do this sooner rather than later. There will be pushback from the siblings but it sounds like it's not going to be easy whatever you do.

Just make sure that whatever you do is perfectly legal and defensible.

 

[Tragicuglyducky]

Oh dear! I could feel my own blood boil in sympathy for you! I think Rosalind has been very astute and pointed out that your brother and sister mean well. They have taken the time to discuss things, trekked over to “give you a break” but they sound like they haven’t sat on their bums, they’ve tried to do what they gauge to be best not realising it isn’t. It’s perfectly understandable why you’re so annoyed with them.

I wonder if there are any reasons why they’ve got it so wrong? When you talk to them about your mum could you be only telling them the bad and forgotten to remind them that mum is happy with the system and despite any frustrations it works for you? I find that people don’t know what dementia is, that is to say, they think someone with dementia is senile. But unless you witness it regularly I don’t think you can understand what it is. It doesn’t sound like you have a bad relationship with your siblings so it is not worth letting your relationship turn sour when things will only get harder over time. Personally I would request to have a good long chat with them to explain to them that what you are doing is working for you and your mum, them trying to help you is lovely but was unhelpful, maybe think of other ways they can help, maybe it’s you they need to help rather than mum? And make it very clear to them that change and disruption is the worst thing for someone with dementia.

 

[northumbrian_k]

"And make it very clear to them that change and disruption is the worst thing for someone with dementia."

That really is the most important point @The Whippet Walker. It is bad enough coming in and disrupting someone's household by changing things around in what sounds like a well-meaning but frankly clumsy attempt at 'helping'. Changing banking arrangements and where a person lives is a whole other level. For as long as your Mum is able to express her own opinions in a consistent way then you need to take notice of her not what your siblings say. Keeping them onside sounds like a good idea but for your sister to attempt to 'make' decisions without reference to you or your Mum is acting outside of what an Attorney should do.

 

[MaNaAk]

I agree completely with what Northumbrian K has said but I also suggest that you look at some of my threads. Dad passed away in June and whilst my invisibles have caused some stress I still want to work with them through probate and the inheritance although I am wary of them. That said you both need a break from your siblings so take time out and take things slowly to recover. I actually think you should inform the banks. Also in my experience if you have joint power of attorney with your sister she can't do anything without your knowledge.

MaNaAk