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Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Helena, Aug 17, 2006.
I know your not giveing your mum any medication ,but this site does expain what is happening to the barin of someone with AD .
I think the problem is, thinking that the aphasia is the problem.
In my opinion, the anger, the frustration, the seemingly unrealistic expectations that a dementia sufferer displays are not necessarily as a result of the effects of the disease but are actually part of the disease.
After having Dad completely speechless for 2 yrs...and having great difficulties speaking for about 2yrs before that...his angers, frustrations and apparent expectations are not reasonable even for someone in his position. Obviously he sees the world differently now, its not just his lack of speech, lack of communication.
Perhaps also it easier to realise this with Dad as he is 62yrs old...and never really displayed any other classic dementia symptoms (other than physical problems and problems with things like logic and spatial awareness)...i.e. we couldn't just shrug his behaviours off as being just something typical of what a silly old man would do if he was having difficulty hearing or speaking.
Aphasia is a terrible thing, i find it the hardest thing about this disease to bear...but just remember the mood swings and silliness...its not necessarily them...its the disease....their brain is not what it was. Often in many ways its like they have become more childish in their way of thinking...which doesn't sound like much of a problem..but child like thinking isn't a problem in children because they have very little physical strength and other adults realise that they are behaving that way because they are children....
Thats my view on it all...
Thanks for the link.....As far as I know mum's never been offered medication but I'm really not sure and her records still haven't come to Sheffield.....Its 4 months since I registered her with my GP
Nat....I found your post very interesting...and yes mum does display child-like behaviour....reminds me of when my kids were toddlers but a smack from mum is a bit harder than a smack from a toddler....having said that she hasn't struck out at me for a while now....
Helena....surely you've had some rain now........??
Finally got some rain today but much of the garden is still bone dry
water butt might be full but it will take a lot more rain for weeks to restore ground supplies .........the village pond is non existant so i know from that alone things are very serious indeed
Takeing about anger
The way mum get angry is as she did before AD just hundred times more. I am sure if mum was born in my generation she would have had anger management lol .
so when she says hurtful things to one of my daughter in an angery tone of voice And in Spanish so my daughter does not understand, mum said don’t tell her that. However, I did because I am fed up with my mum attitude to one of my daughter even before AD . I just say don’t worry that how she brought me up saying those thing . I said that in front of my mother who went quite then said oh I have said a sin .I shall not go to haven which I replied .why worry about what happen after death we won’t know anything anyway how in what going to happen after . She shut up and went for a nap .
I find with my mother when I see her geting angery for
No real, reason my tone of voice stop mum in her track I wonder does my tone of voice remind my mother of a schoolteacher telling a child of or of herself lol . but I do not lose my temper
I remember when my mother was not on medication I did not really understand AD. I got angry with her because she was going to hit me .she look at me and said,, your father you look just like him you our your father . That freaks me out as he had only died that year. I took a step back and analyzed it all
Helena is your mother incontinent both ends all over her house as that was how my mother was like before getting the medication also wondering the streets at night
The medication stops all that for 4 years .now mum just leaks sometimes
No she is not incontinent that i know of .......but she is fixated on having a toilet nearby
4 years of the current situation with my Mother and we will all be nuts too
She is so so adamant that she has not said or done whatever it is
That she knows what she is doing or talking about yet to everyone else she is truly mad
She has insisted on trying to open front door with car keys only now no car so no car keys
then in the next minute its like theres nothing at all wrong with her because if you said she ought to go on a cruise she will say
" I am not fit enough and with my poor feet i cant find any nice shoes " and " I have already been round the world and seen it all anyway "
The neighbours say she should be in a care home but you cant force that on anyone these days
Helena, how does your mum manage with feeding herself, and getting in food? It must be so difficult not living nearby - how often do you get to visit? What is it that causes the neighbours concern?
My sister or I stock the fridge and freezer when we visit but dont ask me what kind of horror comes out of the oven
Gardening girl gets her things if needed
She went wandering to neighbours after Xmas with pile of keys in hand ( disorientated after being with us for 4 days ) claimed her dead husband had locked her out
Then phoned my sister claiming she had been dumped in strange house when it was her own of 30 years
She is fixated with keys and locks dont ask me why but she is always asking the neighbours to open her doors because either she cant manage the lock or more likely she is insisting on using wrong key
We have tried removing any odd keys we find but she simply finds more
The other neighbours are not young and dont need the bother
You are a star
I agree whole heartedly with Dick g
I would not wish the situation you are in on any one but like Dick said i now know this is what my hubby has i have always called it word jumbling
my hubby has ignored the bills for over 2 years its cos he cant sort them out i do it all it is not easy i wish i could of been of more help
Dont be to hard on your self this is not an easy illness to deal with we all do the best we can i am sure you are doing the same but we all question our selves that is cos we are good caring people ----i know it is of no help But could you not take flying lessons so you can be with her ASAP
Sending love Bel x
What I cannot understand if I got it right dose the doctor not believe you when you tell him what your mother does?
I think you said that you look after your MIL in the past or someone that had AD. Can between you and your sister not make an appointment saying it is for a yearly check up and get your mother to the doctor on false pretend Then hand doctor a note about your mother behaviour so he can make a referral to the elderly memory clinic or brain scan .
When I went to the doctor with mum, I had book the appointment took mum alone. The doctor just new from my mother attitude.
I did that in around about way with mum. I just took control did not worry how crazy angry mum got, but then my mum doctor play along with it all because he understood
Alternatively, are you and your sister just fed up with it all?
Helena, when you contacted the doctor(s), did they pay a visit to your Mother? Have you written a letter to them (or social services) explaining all of your mother's behaviours, just as you have on TP? If they have all the facts they might be in a better position to help. I'm only asking again because I was concerned that you mentioned on a previous thread that you believe:
If your Mother has some form of dementia (and from all you have said it does sound likely to me anyway), she cannot help how she behaves in many respects. When she
- in her mind she really was at that stage in her past. The same goes for when she claimed
Her illness has taken her back to another stage in her life when she was living somewhere else - even if it was thirty years ago. I can imagine how upsetting it might have felt for her believing she had been left in a strange place. This is the one of the ways I found the disease affected my Dad. He used to say the same kind of things - he'd want to go 'home' to his dead mother's house because, at that moment, his memory was locked in another time. Just a few moments later he might be back in the present. Added to this the mood swings, as Nat described, I appreciate it makes it very difficult for others to cope with. It's just that it helps just a little when you can understand why the person is behaving in these ways.
Its not that the doctor does not believe the situation after all he was the one whose report would have got her driving licence revoked earlier this year
Its the fact that the law says you cannot force anyone to go into a care home and care homes wont take them if they refuse to go .
The NHS is reluctant to section anyone because they will have to pay the costs of care
My Mother is despite all her problems adamant she will only go out of her home in a box
Yes my sister and I are fed up with the situation
We have had far too many years of my Mothers stubborn attitudes/behaviour / bitter and twisted because she failed to make the most of her chances long long before the VD /AD set in .She is nearly 90 years old after all
Neither my sister or I are young we cant care for her just trying to visit is stressful enough .
I have a sick husband and i have done more than my share of caring for 6 grandchildren as well
Yes no doubt I sound selfish but if I do not make the most of what time my husband has left to him and do all the things he wants to do i too will become a bitter and twisted old woman and i sure do not want that
I want to write a living will and be sure i can check out before i get to the same age or state of health as my Mother
How lovely if you don't mind me asking how old are you ?
I became a pensioner last year
I don't think that anyone is suggesting you are selfish wanting to spend time with your husband. I just find it difficult to try finding some way in which to help you because I am confused about exactly what you are hoping to get from people on TP.
Many of us are not that young any more (sorry all ) and many of us are unable (for one reason or another) to care for our relative/friend. Some are looking for practical help; seeking emotional support; letting off steam; trying to understand the behaviours; offering advice and support to others in similar difficult circumstances.
In my opinion, if you can find some outside support for your Mother, using all the advice given to you on TP, your sister and yourself may find the situation is eased somewhat. I'm not saying that getting that support is easy - it's a question of keep asking until someone actually listens and understands the extent of your Mother's illness.
I wonder if the neighbours and the garden girl have told doctor and Social Services too? (They might take more notice of third parties.)
I wonder what would happen if you wrote to doctor and Social Services telling them that she's not safe to leave alone and that you can't visit again in the near future?
I agree and I am working towards the neighbours etc contacting the doctor however what seems to be the true stumbling block is the law that prevents anyone being forced into a care home or accepting outside help from social services when they clearly are not fit to live alone
To me quality of life totally superceeds quantity and i feel immense concern for all on this board whose own life and health suffers or is compromised by the LOs illness .........when it comes to AD its the sheer number of years of caring that so many face or have coped with that takes an incredible toll on their own health and wellbeing that makes AD such a dreadfull disease
I wonder Helena as you use the word very likely you realize the effect it has on a person when you say on hear.
I could take offence when you said to me
I do not consider my self-going nuts, because if you lived with real madness as you would call it all your life your no the difference, between stress and real mental illness and then dementia.
I would say I am still grieving from seeing my untie. who was like a second mum have a stroke recover then have another stroke and slowly die. then see my mum fall the other week ,taken to hospital which brought back what felt like hunted memories from my untie that I have not come to team with from seeing her die the way she did in Jan ,Few mouths before that my daughter diagnosed with epilepsy
Therefore, you have written what I see as to have rudely diagnosed me as nut from looking after my mother my mother who has AD.
You really should take in to consideration of other people feeling on TP when you use that word Nuts, as you do not seem to understand or not want to the effect of that word has on me or maybe also others on TP
As I could say a few things how you come over ,but that is not what TP is about its supporting each other not to put each other down . because we do not really understanding or know the back grown of a person life out side TP while looking after someone with Dementia