Apathy......

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,454
0
Hiya Daisy,
From what you say you are obviously still hoping against hope that your husband will give you some support and understanding, and each time it is not forthcoming, it hurts. Abandon hope Daisy; he is not capable any longer. I seem to remember you saying that he used to be a very caring man - remember that that is what he truly is, and the dementia has damaged him. Do you have any friends that will hold you whilst you cry and give you the comfort that you need. If not, go into a private place, and imagine the arms of your TP friends holding you safe.
You will get through this Daisy. When is the funeral?
Where is it that your family live?
Take care.
Love Helen
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
Daisy
When my father died in 2002 mum was in the early stages of AD & I did not see her cry there was no hugs of comfort from her. tears would just drop down my eyes I could not control them mum would not show one littlie bit of emotion I ended holding all my tears in even at the funeral when I hug my children while they cried my mum pull me away like if I was doing something wrong .

Do (try) not to get angry with husband as your end up hating him that hate will only make you bitter it did me. hug him when you need to cry, if he ask why just say I’m tried felling down that took me a long time to do it help me more then anything . Your husband perception of things is just disturbed, it’s the B***Y brain damage

Talk it out with your family, your living two kind of grief for you mum, grief of the man your husband use to be. When was the last time your took a respite?
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
0
Birmingham Hades
Hi Daisy

by Amy. Abandon hope Daisy; he is not capable any longer
I

It isn't that your Husband does not care,AD does something to the part of the brain that handles emotion.Be patient with him.
On my birthday my wife ignored the whole thing,did not look at any cards,any presents completely deft the whole thing.
A very dear friend of both of us died a few weeks ago,the reaction was just the same,ignored the whole thing.
Seems to be a common thing with AD.
Norman
 

Áine

Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
994
0
sort of north east ish
oh Daisy, this is just so horrid for you. I'd echo the suggestions others have made about having some space away from your husband, so you get a chance to grieve. Of course your husband is precious and important and needs care ........ but you need to look after you in order to be able to deal with that in the longer term.

I'm thinking about my situation compared with yours. We both lost a loved parent in the last few days. I have my cousins around me, and my (ex) partner who is being totally lovely. I have friends and dad's friends. It's hectic sorting everything for the funeral and I'm upset and struggling, and it's as much (a little more) than I can cope with. If I factored in a poorly husband I don't know what on earth I'd do. If there's any way you can get some time and space - take it. If he isn't happy, tuff! I don't mean that unkindly but just because he is ill he can't have everything his way ....... he's ill, you're grieving ........ you need time too.

I do so hope you get some space to be able to grieve as you need to.

lots of love
Áine
 

DaisyG

Registered User
Feb 20, 2006
183
0
North West England
Thank you

A BIG THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT



Amy,
I DO realise that REALLY there is little chance / hope of any emotional support from my husband .... but it is hard... VERY hard.

In the past . occasionally when we have been watching TV... he's 'shed a tear' at 'something or other' .. some sad news story etc...
SO HE DOES have 'some kind of ability' to show emotion sometimes....

It's just 'selective'.


He's had a good relationship in the past with mum (and dad.. he died years ago) BEFORE they all emigrated.....
So it's not a though 'they were not friends' ..


Amy (and others), mum was in New Zealand.... Such a beautiful country... BUT so far away.

We've already had her funeral/service, as mum wanted arrangements to be out of the way as soon as possible.




YES, this AD is a truley destructive disease....
In ways that you can't begin to imagine.



I agree that a week of respite might be in order... then I can sort out a few things of mums...



Thanks Norman, for your comments.
I know that the brain damage is 'irriversible' .. and the not being able to show emotion to me is NOT an attack on me.



Its just difficult to understand... even though I DO UNDERSTAND???
(Hope this makes sense ... and not just gibberish)...



I still do cry (a lot) ... but it's ALONE... and always in another room.


THIS HAS BEEN AND IS THE MOST DIFFICULT WEEK OF MY LIFE ... so far..


I know that we STILL have a long way to travel down the AD route.


I think the brain damage is worse / different for my husband
as he has had the multiple strokes and MANY seizures in which he has been unconcious for extended periods...
Making the brain EVEN MORE starved of oxygen....


Thanks everyone ... you are just what I need right now.


Take Care,

DaisyG
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Hi Daisy

DaisyG said:
THIS HAS BEEN AND IS THE MOST DIFFICULT WEEK OF MY LIFE ... so far..

Daisy, you asked for advice much earlier in this thread. Forgive me for giving mine - and take it or leave it.....

Look at the quote ... and cut out the 'so far'....

If you are brave enough to admit (which you obviously are) that 'this has been and is the most difficult week of my life......' then accept that... PLEASE don't imagine there can be worse..... what worse could there be at this time and place? You have suffered a major bereavement which would send other 'mere mortals' crashing alone.... with all else you are coping with you are so remarkably strong.... allow yourself not to be strong... or to concede that sometimes 'being strong' means shedding tears and allowing our own instincts to give our physical and emotional welfare a boost ...... allow yourself to be a 'mere mortal'.... allow yourself a time and place to cry.....

Instead of you looking to hubby as a source of support, (which is obviously not happening) move yourself away from him (10 minutes in a different room, even) and do what you need to do for you.....

So sad, but I think we as carers have to recognise the point when we are no longer prepared to bash our heads against the proverbial brick wall.... but walk away from it and find a different wall ...... still much bashing of heads - but slightly different results.....

Hugs, Karen (TF), x
 

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