1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Dear All,

    Well, it's happened ... my dear mum died yesterday.

    All looked to be going well, then a sudden BIG change ... and we lost her over 24 hours...

    I've been expecting it for weeks now... and it still is one BIG shock.

    Anyhow, husband SERIOUSLY APATHETIC... no signs of 'anything' really.

    I know that thiis can be a normal 'rection' ... but IT REALLY HURTS.....

    I can't grieve properly .....

    I've been crying on and off so much that my eyelids actually hurt.....

    I'll go into the lounge .. and he see me and says
    "What's up with you.....?" ... I'll reply "My mum...."....

    Followed by NOTHING.....

    He keeps asking how my sister is... and my niece ... BUT ME his reliable warn out carer ... NOTHING....

    I hate this AD.... MORE THAN EVER BEFORE......

    Thanks for letting me moan.

    Take Care

  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Dear Daisy
    Iam so very sorry to hear about your mum and I just want to send you all my love and hugs.......
    I went through a similar situation when my dad died....my brother took ages to summon up the courage to tell mum but he needn't have worried....he may as well have told her dad had just popped to the shops.....no reaction,no comprehension....
    I'm glad you can see its the AD....think how supportive your husband would have been before....
    It's so very hard.....you desperately crave your husband's comfort and support at this heartbreaking time
    We're all here for you Daisy
    Take care
  3. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello daisy,

    im so very sorry for your loss, just to let you know im thinking of you also sending you a big hug.
    i hope you have other support apart from your husband that you can talk too, if not theres always a ear and a shoulder on TP for you
    take care daisy x
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Daisy,
    So sorry to hear about your mum. I know that you have said that your family were not nearby, so you must be feeling so isolated. I think even some 'well' men find grief very difficult to deal with. We are here for you Daisy, if you want to share some of what is going on you know that there are people 'listening' and ready with a box of tissues. Take care.
    Love Helen
  5. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    hi Daisy

    Sorry about the loss of your Mum when its your husband that has AD

    Sadly dementia patients long before the real symptoms show have no sympathy for others troubles .........they only think about themselves and this gets worse as they progress

    Its certainly the case with my Mother she has not given a care for any member of the family for years but now she seems to think she can phone up make absolutely no sense to anyone and we will all drop everything and run to sort out the latest mess /problem she cant deal with

    The fact we are hours away simply does not sink in .....we are just round the corner where she is concerned
  6. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Daisy, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Doesn’t matter how much we ‘expect’ or think we ‘prepare’ it hits so hard …

    I think in your grief you have highlighted one part of the ‘loss’ that AD creates for us…. The partner or parent that we would have relied on to provide us with emotional support when we need it has effectively ‘gone’ - but worse, not only are they not ‘there’ to provide that support they are actually making huge demands themselves on every last drop of our own emotional reserves….

    I do wonder what ‘concept’ there is of death in the dementia sufferer? ….. my mum has recently attended two funerals of dearly loved friends …. I don’t believe she understands for one minute that those friends have actually died…..

    Not the time to ramble on…. just want you to know that I so feel for you….. send my love, prayers and hugs…

    Moan, scream, cry all you need. Goodness, Daisy, if you weren’t crying in your circumstances…….. don’t fight the tears….

    Wish I could do or say more to help, Love Karen (TF), x
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I'm sorry about your mother, Daisy.

  8. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello Daisy - I feel really sad for you - it is hard to lose your Mum and then dreadful not to have your partner support you through this very very difficult time.

    I hate this AD also -- more than ever

    Try to get some support from all these 'virtual' friends - I also hope you have true friends around you too. Take care best wishes BeckyJan
  9. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    I'm so sorry for you double loss. For loosing your mother and loosing your husbands shoulder. This is a time you don't want to be strong and just want to be the one taken care of and it isn't there for you. We all at TP will try to be that shoulder for you.
    Take care of yourself.

  10. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Thank you from DaisyG

    Thankyou for your support.

  11. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    Dear Daisy,

    So sorry for your loss. I remember how supportive my husband was when my mother died over twenty years ago. If that were now, he would be completely uninterested. Thinking of you at this sad time.

  12. magpie

    magpie Registered User

    Jul 21, 2006
    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. And the very one you would turn to to hold you up at this time is unable to do it. That's awful; you must feel so lonely. I know it's not the same but I hope you have others close to you to support you. And - even more not the same - there's us at TP. We may be virtual but we know how it is and how unfair it seems.

    When my dad died we didn't know mum had AD and we couldn't understand why she was so dreadfully cheerful and unaffected by it when we were all in shock. Now we have an explanation, but it still doesn't make it 'feel right' and it never will.

    Thinking of you tonight. Take care of yourself.
  13. kazlou

    kazlou Registered User

    Feb 3, 2006
    Hi Daisy,

    So sorry to hear about your Mum, I know you were expecting it, but it still comes as a big shock.
    Thinking of you and sending you a BIG HUG. x x x x

  14. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Daisy g
    you have already had loads of advice and I cannot really add to it.
    I just wanted to say please do not feel too badly about your Husbands attitude,it is not that he doesnt care,he has lost the ability to care,another side of this awful disease.
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    I am also so sorry to read about your mother ((( Hugs )))
  16. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Daisy

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...........i know you'll be feeling devastated, vulnerable and angry and thats understandable, you've lost the two most important people that you would normally rely on for support.
    Take comfort in the fact that you have friends here on T.P. that you can rely on to help you through this difficult time.

    Sending you a HUG
    Love Alex
  17. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Apathy turning to ANGER


    I've been struggling these last few days with my mum dying, and it's being made worse with my husbands APATHY.

    The apathy HAS NOW turned to anger .. and if he hears or sees me crying ... he's been saying/growling...
    "Are you done?"..... then he huffs and puffs a lot... gets quite agitated.....

    This morning ... after the usual fight of washing / dressing.... he said

    "Is there any news?" ...
    I was not so sure if he REMEMBERED about mum or not...
    I 'explained' everything ... and he said "Oh yeah... that's right" ......

    MY FAMILY have been ringing me at all hours of the day ... and sometimes into the night...
    We are OK for a few minutes... then one of us will start to cry... then the other one will start.... Then we are OK.... Then we start again...

    BUT with my husband.... he is still saying "What's up with you?" after I get off the phone.
    AND he has heard the conversation .

    I watch his face while I'm on the phone... and there is NO EMOTION AT ALL.

    But crying in front of my husband is proving impossible.

    He's a very ANGRY man at the moment.

    Has anyone got advice on what I can do ?

    I'm sad.

    Take Care

  18. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    I am afraid i would get extremely angry with him too

    Maybe telling him where its at for a change will shake him

    or simply walk out and tell him get on with it

    You have to think about yourself or you too will crack up
  19. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Daisy
    i really don't know what to say....just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you.....it's an awful position to be in and you must feel very lonely...
    would a touch of respite be any good....just while you come to terms a little better with your loss?
    The only thing I can suggest is to have a family member come and stay so you can have a good cry together in another room.....it must be tearing you apart
  20. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Daisy

    I missed your post the other day, and I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's also so sad that your husband has lost the ability to feel your loss and just can not understand whay you are going through.

    I lost my Dad last year and if I'd then had to cope with a husband with AD, I just don't know what I would have done

    Could you not go and stay with YOUR family and get HIS family to come and stay in your place.

    It certainly sounds as though you need to get away for a few days - everybody needs time to recover from a bereavement.

    Take care


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