anyone who has carers for husband/wife

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by bemused1, Mar 4, 2015.

  1. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Have had the same agency now for 15 months. There have been problems with getting staff for ages now.As a result we have been mainly given two that I really have not got a lot of faith in. They are both older carers but for all the fact they are 'dementia trained' they are no good at spotting changes in oh and look at me sceptically when I say he has taken a downturn.
    So for several weeks the evening carer turns up and he says 'what are they here for?' He doesn't see the need for a wash and although happy to accept some, others I am having to send away. Apart from the fact that I am paying for them, it doesn't seem to me that forcing him is a good way to go.
    I have been weighing up changing agencies but aside from the difficulty of new people, possible change of schedule and out of the frying pan syndrome, there are just not that many around here. Devil and deep blue sea situation.
    So any opinions please on way forward? I could manage the evening without them but not sure this is the way forward.
     
  2. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    I haven't a clue how to be helpful, bemused. So I'll give this'un a bump for all to see.

    Much love and luck to you, xx
     
  3. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Thanks chuggalug. Either everyone is superperson or I,m the only person who can,t
    manage a husband with significant health problems as well as mental ones. I was hoping someone would have a similar problem to deal with.
     
  4. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    Sorry love. I'm alone in my caring, so can't offer anything significant. Just wanted you to know I care for you, xx
     
  5. jeany123

    jeany123 Registered User

    Mar 24, 2012
    19,049
    Durham
    Hi Bemused I am in a similar situation, We have carers come in every evening and 3 mornings to get Allen ready, when he goes to the day centre, We have 3 carers who come regular two are very good and one Allen refuses to do anything for her,

    I think it is the helloooo she shouts at the door as she comes in, it sounds stupid but it grates on me as well and I think it puts Allens back up straight away,

    I can manage by myself and sometimes it is more stress for me when they come but I want him to get used to people coming in for the future,

    I think we will always get good and bad ones and one lad I had to stop coming as Allen took a dislike to him and it was a waste of time, I don't know a answer to this I think we have to take the good with the not so good, I am lucky that if he won't shower or get ready for bed I can just help him but there may be a time when I can't.

    Best wishes Jeany x
     
  6. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    It is a tricky one jeany and I am really stuck. I will not accept carers who hurt husband because his pain levels are high and they need to be careful. Nor will I accept them if he really takes a dislike which is rare.
    But one or two just don't get that today is not the same as yesterday and they need to be adaptable. Soneither of us are comfortable at the moment.
     
  7. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    Hi Bemused

    No carers should be hurting anyone:( Is it worth going back to the agency and maybe they have some news carers, I'm not saying its good to have lots of different ones because that is usually detrimental in my experience. However, a third carer may just keep your husband on board as if he doesn't 'gel' on some occasions another may win him over. Have you been able to speak to carers about your concerns?
    Best wishes
    Sue:)
     
  8. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Not sure this will be of use Bemused1 but could you cut down the number of visits from the current agency and try visits from a new agency to make up the difference, so to speak - it would you give a chance to assess the new agency, how adaptable they are, quality of staff etc. without ditching the old lot until you're happy.
     
  9. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Hi sue.
    Hurting is accidental because brains become disengaged on occasions.Not deliberate I must add.
    We have abouy 7 or 8 different carers in total, the agency have real problems recruiting and keeping staff.There are 3 who do the bulk of the calls but two of these are the problem. They have both been doing his care for some time but just don't catch on that dementia is dynamic and they are not keeping pace.
    The remainder of the other occasionals are not a problem. Unfortunately the care coordinator with whom I discussed concerns is on extended leave and the replacement has only been in the job a couple of months.
    All kinds of care staff are in short supply in this area.
    What to do, I wish I knew, its so much guesswork about the best way forward.
    Good to see you posting, hope you are having a good spell
     
  10. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Essie not sure the agencies will play along with that. Possibly worth investigating though
     
  11. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    I misunderstood a bit bemused:rolleyes: In some ways it is easier without than with someone that only aggravates. If you asked that these two didn't come could you manage if the odd evening visit wasn't covered until they have some new carers? Not ideal I know but if you and hubby both feel worse after they've been there's no easy solution it seems.

    I'm up and down , 'mini' bad phase but its so much easier than a 'mega' bad phase:) thanks for asking.
     
  12. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    3,403
    Interesting sue that you picked up on the fact that it affects us both if he isn' t happy.
    In fact I'm thinking along those lines, asking the agency to reduce the number of visits by these two and doing more of the evening calls myself. Its quite doable but I don't want him to get too accustomed to just me again. But it is better than both of us being uncomfortable
     
  13. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    I think Bemused the fact that hubby says 'what are they here for' he is expressing himself if you sense it to, which is why its not always the 'dementia' but discerning what is and what isn't. You know your husband so can do that better, carers don't know your husband like you so are not necessarily going to be able to be so discerning.

    As long as you still keep the preferred ones on board and option of additions, if necessary your husband won't get chance for it just being you again. As a former HCP if I felt someone took a dislike to me that much, especially in their own home, I wouldn't want to be there as it could be detrimental to their wellbeing.
     

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