Hi J,
Just to get it clear in my own mind, the AD sufferer is your boyfriend's Mum, and he lives with her full time (as her carer, or just her companion at the moment? - not clear if she is still able to function without assistance.) And you don't live with him/them, but you are obviously a frequent visitor in the normal way of things. Right so far?
Your wish to pitch in & help take the strain off your boyfriend is a laudable and natural one, but the bug in the butter is that Mum isn't a sweet little old lady reminiscing about her childhood memories, but a dyed-in-the wool foul old witch trying to hang onto her marbles & her independence by the same nasty ways she has lived the rest of her life up to now. Her 'jealousy' is probably also now fear that she will lose her only remaining ally, although wild horses wouldn't drag out of her an admission of that.
Someone who posts here frequently uses the signature line
"If you can't change something, change the way you think about it" (I hope I've got that right Karen
) and I think this is pretty much what your boyfriend is saying to you,
probably for your own sake and to
preserve your relationship. He
knows absolutely that you would be flogging a dead horse in trying to build a rapport with this fractious, difficult person, and would only get hurt (as you have already) AND possibly - without intending to at all - make life at home more difficult for him to deal with. I don't imagine it is a barrel of laughs for him at the best of times.
I know it's easy for someone else to say, but try not to take her 'accusations' to heart too much; it is a common behaviour amongst dementia sufferers to become suspicious and imagine (for instance) that even their nearest & dearest are stealing from them, or hiding things. Your boyfriend will know that there is no foundation to them. It's probably her way of trying to make some sense of her confused world - if she can't find something, then someone must have stolen or hidden it,
obviously! It can't be
her that's got it wrong, that doesn't happen!
J, I really feel for you in this cruel situation. All your instincts are telling you to spend as much time as you can with your lover, and make a life together. He will be feeling similarly, BUT is also pulled by family duty and circumstances in the opposite direction from that he would
like to follow. It's diffficult enough to get the proverbial "sweet old lady" (or gentleman) persuaded to accept help & support from
'strangers', as many here know; to build a support team around a vicious dragon-lady seems an impossible task, but eventually it will have to be done. The nature of the disease is such that there is only just so long that a devoted son cna do it on his own. When it comes to intimate care, she will reject such services from him. You haven't said how old she is, or how badly she is affected (
apart from her 'normal' horrid nature, that is
) but the situation as it is won't last forever, it will change. That won't make it easier for him to deal with, and he will need all your patience & support for HIMSELF, so don't knock yourself out trying to give it to his Mum, who patently doesn't want it.
Good luck & God bless