Anyone got any ideas or past experience??

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Blue_Gremlin, Nov 7, 2006.

  1. Blue_Gremlin

    Blue_Gremlin Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    89
    Morecambe, UK
    Hi all

    Sorry I haven't been around for a while but things have been tough. Gav is now working in a factory packing boxes cos he can't get an IT job that pays enough to keep our mortgage going and Jean is getting worse. She is now leaving lit cigarettes on the carpet and the sideboards (which is worrying to say the least!!). She is still losing weight - she must be barely 4 stone now and she is terribly lonely. She has home care in three times a day for meals now but unfortunately we have reached the point where it is residential home time :(

    We have found a home near to us, which is very nice and is near the sea and stuff and they seem very competant and friendly and it appears to be a very good home in a big converted old house. We are taking Jean in on Monday - she doesn't know it yet though. This is where my plea for ideas comes from! I am thinking about telling her it a holiday and that it has been arranged for ages but the weather is so bad now that I am afraid she is just going to refuse to leave the house!!

    Anyone any bright ideas for making this easier???

    Blue_Gremlin
     
  2. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi Blue_Gremlin

    I don't have any experience of moving into permanent care only of trying to persuade Mary to go to a day centre/respite. After weeks of trying persuasion I came to the end of my tether and stated, without anger, that day care and respite care was not open to discussion and that my mind was made up. To my amazement Mary accepted both and even enjoyed the experience. What this has taught me is that often what we expect to be difficult and obvious can turn out to be the easiest option in the end.

    I hope that you resolve the problem and that it is not as difficult as you fear.

    Hugs

    Dick
     
  3. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    [QUOTE=Blue_Gremlin]Hi all
    This is where my plea for ideas comes from! I am thinking about telling her it a holiday and that it has been arranged for ages but the weather is so bad now that I am afraid she is just going to refuse to leave the house!!

    Anyone any bright ideas for making this easier???

    Blue_Gremlin
    [/QUOTE]



    Sorry I can't offer any briliant solutions!
    Perhaps if she doesn't want to leave the house you can say it is too late for a refund and so she has to go. . . ?? I don't know if this would work with her - my mother is a frugal soul, so appeals related to money can be quite effective!!
    (Isn't one of the most horrible parts of this disease the lying we have to do to our loved onees??:( I've accepted now that it can't be avoided - but I still hate it!)

    Reassure yourselves that IS the best thing for her (the home, that is), so it really is worth any "shenanigans" to get her to go there. I hope for all your sakes it is a peaceful transition! Good Luck! Nell
     
  4. Blue_Gremlin

    Blue_Gremlin Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    89
    Morecambe, UK
    Well tomorrow is THE day. The day we take a frail little old lady out of the home and village she has lived in nearly all her 78 years and put her in a residential home. She is not going to understand why and I think that will be the hardest part of all.

    I feel terrible but I know it is the right thing for her in the long run. She will be safe and she will have company and get a proper routine going and I know all this but I still feel horrible for doing it :(

    I just want it to be tomorrow night already so I can let go and stop being strong. I am scared I am not going to make it through tomorrow but I know I have to because it is a million times worse for my husband since she is his nana and the only person he has to get him through tomorrow is me.

    Here's hoping tomorrow is not as bad as I think it is going to be.............:(

    Blue_Gremlin
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    Blue Gremlin, I hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow. I remember taking my mother. We both tried hard to be brave and once I left, I ws in tears and so, I was later told, was she.
    Unfortunately it`s something that has to be. Just get through it as best you can. When you visit, you might be pleasantly surprised.

    Sylvia
     
  6. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Blue Gremlin
    concentrate on the positive things.....as you have said she will have company, a regular routine,she'll be safe and well looked after......I feel we are fast approaching this point with my mum and I don't envy you going through it tomorrow!
    I'll be thinking of you all
    Take care and be strong
    Love xx
     
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Blue Gremlin,
    Will be thinking of you tomorrow. It is the right thing to do, you both know that. I know that is not going to make it any easier, nor you feel any less guilty.
    Love Helen
     
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hiya Blue Gremlin

    You are totally doing the right thing. Just focus on how much safer and looked after she will be. In a less than two months my mum has put on weight, has her hair done every week, and is totally settled into the routine. In a blink of an eye it will be next week, and things will look soooooo much better.

    Keep strong. Thinking of you
    Cate
     
  9. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    I'm getting very close to being in that situation with my husband too. He's been on the assessment unit of the hospital for 7 weeks tomorrow and they asked me to go and look at a home 2 miles away from our home. I went and it was fabulous and the manager and staff I met were really great too. All we have to sort out now is who pays for it. He's 56 years old so doesn't have a pension and we don't have any savings so can't possibly pay a top up fee. A social worker came to see me on Friday and said Mental Health Services will probably pay the whole of the fee but it has to be put to the panel. Steve has really settled on the unit now and I do worry about him being moved but it will be better for him at the home. Meanwhile, I'm living on fresh air because the benefit office told me that his DLA would be paid into our account until he went into a home. Two different people told me that, it was only when my support worker said that wasn't the case that I rang back and the third person from the office told me the benefit stops four weeks after they leave their home address. I got the necessary forms, have filled them in with the help of my support worker and am going to post them this morning. I've been 3 weeks without any benefit, not a penny has been paid into our account and now I wonder how long it will take for them to sort out my claim.

    If Steve is able to go to the nursing home here in our town, I will be with him when he moves but I'm sure he will just take it in his stride. He seems quite happy at the moment, no real agitation except for when he can't get the words out when he's trying to say something. I hope he won't be too disorientated and will settle down quickly.

    Sue
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,568
    Kent
    All the best Sue. It`s so awful to hear of such a young couple going through this experience, but so wonderful to hear how happy you are about the Home.

    I know my time will come and I wish you good luck and peace of mind for the future.
     
  11. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Thanks Grannie G,

    The home is in the town we live in, the hospital he's in now is 10 miles away and in a not very nice area. I don't know what I expected as I've never been in a home before but it was fabulous. It's a new unit they've built for early onset so of course the people in there were all in their 50's. It's got 17 beds and Steve and another man were hopefully going in soon so the manager said she would then have 10 beds taken. She showed me round the whole place and I had turned up unexpectedly so I was pleased so see all of it and all the 'clients'. I just hope he can go in there and there aren't any problems with the funding.

    Sue
     
  12. Blue_Gremlin

    Blue_Gremlin Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    89
    Morecambe, UK
    Hey everyone,

    Well it is now Monday evening and I am not sure how I feel. Today I have gone through feeling sick, strong and confident, sick again, sad, happy and then horribly, horribly depressed and guilty. :(

    She was up for going on holiday for all of ten minutes then forgot we had said it and wondered why we were bundling her into the car. She complained about the weather but sat (I thought) quite happily in the lounge at the home with a cup of tea waiting for lunch. We left then - quietly I might add so as not to make her feel abandoned. I was feeling very positive at that time.

    Then we phoned on the way back through after collecting some more of her things and apparently she had been kicking up a right fuss, demanding that she was going home even if she had to walk all the way there - it is 20 miles away!

    So I dropped the clothes at the door and didn't go in - I feel terrible but I know she needs time to adjust and that seeing us would just have made her think she was going home, but I still feel like the worst human being alive!! :(

    My rational side is fighting to keep me sane but my emotional side is fighting just as hard. If this is what it is like to be responsible for a grandmother-in-law I don't think I want to have any kids to take of!!!

    Blue_Gremlin
     
  13. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Ah but with children, you at least have some hope that they'll be off living their own lives eventually (although it sometimes seems a loooooong way away).

    I'm glad your day is over, and that you all got through it, even if you're left with the "guilts".

    Jennifer
     
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hiya Blue Gremlin

    What a day hey, but you did it, and you really have done the best thing. It will obviously take you quite a while with all sorts of swings of emotion to accept things as they now are, (I still jump every time the phone rings, cos for a fleeting minute I think its mum). Please try not to feel guilty, its going to be tough though, but you will get there.

    Enjoy your evening knowing that your loved one is quite safe and being very well looked after.

    Take care
    Cate
     
  15. merlin

    merlin Registered User

    Aug 2, 2006
    139
    Surrey
    Hi all

    Reading this thred has given me some encouragement that other people have the same dilemmas as me and some of the solutions offered have helped, so thank you all.

    My wife who is 70 but who was mistaken for 60 at the day centre (that is when I can get her to go without the usual tantrums) would I think adapt better with younger people but I wasn't aware that there was such a thing as a specific early onset type of home. Can anyone advise me where such homes can be sourced around the country?

    Merlin
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.