Anyone feel the same?

[CWR]

I know it's early days ( just over a month since mum passed away), but I find it difficult to cope with the way my feelings change so rapidly. I got 25 sympathy cards, which really did help me, but a number of them said things like" You looked after your mum so well, now it's your time to start looking after yourself". It feels strange; I know what they mean, but at the moment I can't think about the future, at least not in a positive sense. Even on Sunday, when I saw in the notices that it mentioned a celebration for my mum's life. I immediately felt the word was wrong. I know what they mean. After all she lived to 95, went to her clubs right up to she went to hospital, and that was a month and a half before she passed. Yet, all I can think of at the moment is the fact that she isnt here. It's as if people want me to bypass the mourning bit.I think there is something in what the Victorians did, as do some religious groups like Jews, when they prescribe rituals to help the mourning process.Even things like black bands signal that you are in mourning, and are working through your grief. It feels like being in bubble at times, being in mourning, and the fact that there arent universally recognised ways of doing so makes it worse.

 

[Splashing About]

@CWR I might find myself saying unhelpful things because unless you have either experienced or are going through this I don’t think you can imagine how your words are received.

I agree that a period of mourning, a space just to grieve is needed.

 

[marionq]

My husband died in October. It was seven years since his diagnosis with Alzheimer’s. I don’t think I’m grieving now because a good portion of that 7 years was grief. Almost all that was good about our life together was damaged by dementia and now I question what I should miss. The wandering, the delusions, the lack of mobility, the incontinence?

My husband was a good person and I don’t regret any of our life but I think I must move on or else the situation I was in as a carer continues but as w grieving widow.

I don’t Minimise the pain of loss but there were times over the last years where the pain of caring was worse.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @CWR

It's as if people want me to bypass the mourning bit

It`s easier for people if you do make out you are back to normal now. Your mother was very old and you care for her for many years and `they` think you`ve done your bit and can now get on with your life.

Well it may be so but all I can say after six years, sorrow comes and goes, there are no rules, no time schedule.

After caring for your mother you are now free to do as you wish and really it`s no one`s business but your own. You know how you feel and you are entitled to your feelings.

 

[Lawson58]

I know it's early days ( just over a month since mum passed away), but I find it difficult to cope with the way my feelings change so rapidly. I got 25 sympathy cards, which really did help me, but a number of them said things like" You looked after your mum so well, now it's your time to start looking after yourself". It feels strange; I know what they mean, but at the moment I can't think about the future, at least not in a positive sense. Even on Sunday, when I saw in the notices that it mentioned a celebration for my mum's life. I immediately felt the word was wrong. I know what they mean. After all she lived to 95, went to her clubs right up to she went to hospital, and that was a month and a half before she passed. Yet, all I can think of at the moment is the fact that she isnt here. It's as if people want me to bypass the mourning bit.I think there is something in what the Victorians did, as do some religious groups like Jews, when they prescribe rituals to help the mourning process.Even things like black bands signal that you are in mourning, and are working through your grief. It feels like being in bubble at times, being in mourning, and the fact that there arent universally recognised ways of doing so makes it worse.

I personally don't have any particular views about a mourning period or rituals.

I just think what is in your heart is the bit that counts. People say well meaning things but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how old your mum was when she died, she was still your mum and always will be.

 

[Kikki21]

A lot of people don’t know what to say & unless they have lost a parent themselves, then some do not have that empathy either which is hard.
I will say that yes your self care is very important & surrounding yourself with good, positive people in your life is always good for you too.

I have had so much time taken up with dealing with a very unfortunate executor dealing with my mum’s will that he has made it impossible to grieve for my mum full stop.
Dementia robbed my mum off me, death then robbed her & now the executor is robbing me of mourning for her properly or being able to fully move on with my life & that is hard as mourning has no schedule.
Be gentle with yourself x

 

[Alicat64]

I lost my mum on 10th April 2019 so I am now 8 months on....and yes its a roller coaster. I have carried on as much as normal but the world has lost its sparkle big time...even seeing Michael Buble which I had looked forward to for ages....

Grief affects everyone differently and its little things that get me ( had a mega meltdown over the smell of xmas pudding at a party...mum used to make them!).... and the big one is not being able to read . It was my big relaxation and I just cant concentrate and get upset.

I think talking and being kind to yourself is very important. Its such early days for you so go slowly and take care.
And contemplate grief counselling....

Do you have a good support network around you? Friends, family??

 

[Avis]

I experienced a similar episode when my father passed away. It was as if I was in limbo, I became disinterested in many of the things I used to love and clung to memorabilia like his army medals and badges as if they were talisman. As time passed I was able to move on and now after 20 years I feel as if he is just away somewhere and I haven't seen him for a while. He is ever present in my heart and i think about him often however the memorabilia is in a box now and his photograph is on my dresser.

 

[Cat27]

I like this description of grief & think it’s so true

https://twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946888282444460033?lang=en

 

[Splashing About]

@CWR I think the realisation that everyone else’s life keeps turning and their lack of understanding of the impact on you is inevitable because we all live in our own little world. Would you consider talking to a close friend about this? ( I realise close friends existences dwindle once you’re a carer)

 

[Dimpsy]

When my dad died, I felt as if the whole of me had changed inside and yet the outside was the same.

If you are one of the lucky ones and have a good relationship with your parents, you walk through life by their side and it is unimaginable that they won't always be there, even in their poorliest condition parents are still a part of you.

Your grief is still very raw @CWR, the realisation that your mum no longer needs you is hard, because you still want her and that awful yearning of just being able to see or talk to her one more time never goes away.
As time passes perspective will take over and although you will still get those intense moments when you want your mum - or anyone dear to you who has died, you will be able to embrace that feeling, acknowledge your loss and feel thankful that you shared love and life.

 

[CWR]

I lost my mum on 10th April 2019 so I am now 8 months on....and yes its a roller coaster. I have carried on as much as normal but the world has lost its sparkle big time...even seeing Michael Buble which I had looked forward to for ages....

Grief affects everyone differently and its little things that get me ( had a mega meltdown over the smell of xmas pudding at a party...mum used to make them!).... and the big one is not being able to read . It was my big relaxation and I just cant concentrate and get upset.

I think talking and being kind to yourself is very important. Its such early days for you so go slowly and take care.
And contemplate grief counselling....

Do you have a good support network around you? Friends, family??

My colleagues from work have been great, and I am on the phone to my partner ( who lives in London( daily- he looked after his mother, who had dementia too, so he understands. As for family, well I do see them occasionally.....