Anyone else find that the person with dementia cares more about those who don't care about them?!

Lucy Young

Registered User
Feb 16, 2021
33
0
Worked out how to start a new thread :). So, I'm getting more and more fed up with my mum who I care for in my own home as she seems to be so concerned about my brother who doesn't even phone her and her "man friend" who has short arms and long pockets. My own mental health has suffered so much over the last few years and I don't even get a "thank you". Anyone else experienced this??
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,442
0
Kent
Hello @Lucy Young

It seems this is quite common sadly.

I`ve no idea why other than perhaps the absent child is idealised while the caring child is the one who can be seen as the one taking away independence or controlling or interfering, by the person with dementia.

I`m sorry it is affecting your health. Please ask for help from people other than your brother or the `man friend`. You have the POA so you can make the decisions.
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
348
0
She's not concerned about you because she sees you every day and knows you are OK. Your brother is an unknown quantity in a world where comfort, routing and control are so desirous. Familiarity breeds contempt too.

I don't know if lack of empathy is something that comes with these conditions or whether my father (who has never been an emotional man) is somewhat of a psychopath but it is difficult when they show little or no regards for those closest to them.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
I agree with @spandit , your mum lives with you, and as far as she is concerned, that's her normal, everyday life of which you are a part. Thinking about and paying attention to brother/ man friend may actually have a bit of an unsettling effect on her, but which translates to you as feeling unwanted, unimportant and just part of the furniture.

I think you deserve a huge pat on the back, you have made your mum feel so welcome and wanted; your house has become her house. Don't feel left out, let her talk to you about your brother to put her mind at rest.
But don't expect a thank you - ever, take pride in knowing you have given mum contentment.

I'm in the same position as you but further along the road (of resentment, and that's a horrible thing to admit).
My mum has lived with us for almost four year's, is happy and fairly healthy but totally dependent on us. She has deteriorated a lot this past twelve months, so all her personal care falls to me now, showering, changing incontinence pads and pants and the "cleaning up" that goes alongside that. Some, most days now tbh, I just want to scream, my world has become so narrowed, I feel as if I'm is here just to service her needs.
For the first time, I am starting to plan a respite break for mum,but what worries me is I won't want her to come home!
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
486
0
Chard, Somerset
I'm no longer a carer but I still do read the posts quite often so I hope my comments might help. My mum lived alone, with me supporting, and then with me for a number of years after diagnosis. In all that time she saw my brother about five times and in all that time he was praised, admired, photos of him were displayed around the house, etc . etc. Not one photo of me and I was the receptacle for all moans, groans, accusations and spiteful remarks. It sounds bad but you get used to it after a while and it's like water off a duck's back.
One time made me initially laugh and then gave me food for thought. She had been taken into A&E because she had clearly had a fall during the night, which despite the 'baby minder' I had not heard. She was complaining of pain in her hip so off to the hospital we went.
She didn't realise that I was standing just out of sight behind the curtain but she was being given a blood test by a nurse who had obviously been told she had dementia and was chatting to her in a really supportive way. He asked how she came to be in A&E and mum said she didn't know because there was nothing wrong with her but her daughter (me) had insisted, 'like she always does; she thinks she knows everything.' The nurse made suitably non committal noises and mum sighed and stated: 'When I was a little girl, my dad told me what to do. When I was married my husband told me what to do and now I am old my daughter tells me what to do.' Huge smiles all round but it made me better understand what was going on in her head and I think I became a little bit less of a trial to live with.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
I'm no longer a carer but I still do read the posts quite often so I hope my comments might help. My mum lived alone, with me supporting, and then with me for a number of years after diagnosis. In all that time she saw my brother about five times and in all that time he was praised, admired, photos of him were displayed around the house, etc . etc. Not one photo of me and I was the receptacle for all moans, groans, accusations and spiteful remarks. It sounds bad but you get used to it after a while and it's like water off a duck's back.
One time made me initially laugh and then gave me food for thought. She had been taken into A&E because she had clearly had a fall during the night, which despite the 'baby minder' I had not heard. She was complaining of pain in her hip so off to the hospital we went.
She didn't realise that I was standing just out of sight behind the curtain but she was being given a blood test by a nurse who had obviously been told she had dementia and was chatting to her in a really supportive way. He asked how she came to be in A&E and mum said she didn't know because there was nothing wrong with her but her daughter (me) had insisted, 'like she always does; she thinks she knows everything.' The nurse made suitably non committal noises and mum sighed and stated: 'When I was a little girl, my dad told me what to do. When I was married my husband told me what to do and now I am old my daughter tells me what to do.' Huge smiles all round but it made me better understand what was going on in her head and I think I became a little bit less of a trial to live with.
I've just read your reply @Fullticket and you bought back a memory.

Likewise, my mum had fallen on Boxing Day, three year's ago, and had a painful wrist. Off we went to A&E and after a time a doctor came to assess mum, physically and mentally.
He asked her the usual questions, name, date of birth, address etc (she remembered thank goodness, doesn't always). Then he asked her who OH and I were.

Silence!

Then she pipes up ' They're my treasure's'.

Enough said, the doc laughed and went on his way and we let out a sigh of relief. Mum very rarely calls us by name (does she know)?
But being her treasure is good enough for us.
 

Lucy Young

Registered User
Feb 16, 2021
33
0
She's not concerned about you because she sees you every day and knows you are OK. Your brother is an unknown quantity in a world where comfort, routing and control are so desirous. Familiarity breeds contempt too.

I don't know if lack of empathy is something that comes with these conditions or whether my father (who has never been an emotional man) is somewhat of a psychopath but it is difficult when they show little or no regards for those closest to them.
I sometimes get a thank you but more often than not, when I say that I've arranged/organised/paid for something I usually just get a "Good". My brother has absolutely no idea what I've been through and how much I've struggled but, as you say, I guess to mum I'm the one who she relies on to run her life so we've just settled into that way of life x
 

Lucy Young

Registered User
Feb 16, 2021
33
0
I agree with @spandit , your mum lives with you, and as far as she is concerned, that's her normal, everyday life of which you are a part. Thinking about and paying attention to brother/ man friend may actually have a bit of an unsettling effect on her, but which translates to you as feeling unwanted, unimportant and just part of the furniture.

I think you deserve a huge pat on the back, you have made your mum feel so welcome and wanted; your house has become her house. Don't feel left out, let her talk to you about your brother to put her mind at rest.
But don't expect a thank you - ever, take pride in knowing you have given mum contentment.

I'm in the same position as you but further along the road (of resentment, and that's a horrible thing to admit).
My mum has lived with us for almost four year's, is happy and fairly healthy but totally dependent on us. She has deteriorated a lot this past twelve months, so all her personal care falls to me now, showering, changing incontinence pads and pants and the "cleaning up" that goes alongside that. Some, most days now tbh, I just want to scream, my world has become so narrowed, I feel as if I'm is here just to service her needs.
For the first time, I am starting to plan a respite break for mum,but what worries me is I won't want her to come home!
Bless you, thank you. I'll also give you a pat on the back for what you're doing for your mum. Oh I know what you mean about the resentment - when you feel like an unpaid carer, nurse, cook, cleaner, PA etc but all you actually want to do is get on with your own life! Yep, I feel the same - I'm just here to make sure that mum is OK regardless of how I'm feeling. Dementia affects the whole family doesn't it. I did ask once that if I put mum into respite would I have to take her back into my home and the social worker said that if I refused, then she would be classed as homeless and the council would have to step in and organise housing. Not easy whatever you decide. x
 

Lucy Young

Registered User
Feb 16, 2021
33
0
I've just read your reply @Fullticket and you bought back a memory.

Likewise, my mum had fallen on Boxing Day, three year's ago, and had a painful wrist. Off we went to A&E and after a time a doctor came to assess mum, physically and mentally.
He asked her the usual questions, name, date of birth, address etc (she remembered thank goodness, doesn't always). Then he asked her who OH and I were.

Silence!

Then she pipes up ' They're my treasure's'.

Enough said, the doc laughed and went on his way and we let out a sigh of relief. Mum very rarely calls us by name (does she know)?
But being her treasure is good enough for us.
"My Treasures" - that's so sweet, makes you realise that they're still in there somewhere x