Any tips on getting Mum and Dad to accept help?

[cerridwen]

Hello all,
My Mum is my Dad's carer, Dad has mixed dementia and has deteriorated recently (I've posted about this before) and Mum has incurable breast cancer, but is stable for now. The thing is, Mum is with Dad 24/7 and it's getting her down. She has no social outlet, other than a trip to the hairdresser once a fortnight and me (and occasionally my husband at weekends) taking her and Dad out. She has refused to go to a social memory cafe with Dad once a month and also refuses to allow Dad to go a daycentre once a week to give her respite. Dad doesn't particularly want to go but would, if persuaded, and I think he would enjoy it.
My Mum's world has shrunk so much without any contact with the outside (other than doctors, nurses etc) and all she talks about is illness, her various and many symptoms of cancer/arthritis/diabetes/aches and pains. And it's getting me down because she constantly complains about not having anyone to talk to, of having to cook for Dad (she has been offered meals from social services but refused and I cook once a week for them at weekends because I work full time) and that she is lonely. She has never made friends easily and she always find excuses not to do things. I am very stressed about it because she is moaning to me all the time. I see her and take her shopping a couple of times a week and try to take her to visit relatives 60 miles away when I can, about once every six weeks on my day off, but I am really tired now and I've got health problems caused by stress. My GP says I have to slow down but how to do this whilst caring for them?. My Mum is very preoccupied with her illness and troubles and doesn't really have any time for me.
Does anyone have any tips on how to try and get them to have a life? They don't have to wait to die! Or do I just have to let them get on with it? Don't know what to do. I hate being hard on them but I am struggling.
Cerridwenx

 

[angecmc]

Hi Cerridwen, I think you really need to sit Mum down and tell her that you cannot do so much to help now as it is affecting your health, tell her that she needs to accept help from SS and it would help you and her if she allowed your Dad to go to the day centre. It is really difficult having to do this, I had to do this with my Dad and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I felt better afterwards and it shocked Dad into realising that he needed to get help from outside the family. Sadly my Mum is now in permanent care. All the best xx

Ange

 

[Jayp]

Hi really feel for you as have been in the same situation, it is my Mum with dementia and Dad looking after her who has cancer. I used to help two days a week but that got very difficult and I had to stop and then Dad realised he needed help. Every time there is a change we all have to wait till Dad accepts he needs more help, even when the care manager says she is more worried about him, than Mum. And they are both without any social life as Mum does not like groups and was so rude to Dad at one they tried they asked them to leave ! They went to respite together, hopefully to give Dad an outlet to to meet new people, but Mum hated from the minute we got there and they left very quickly. Sounds like you need look after yourself, as if things get more difficult you may need to be able to cope. I wish I could give some sage advice which might help but still struggling myself. But hope this helps not feeling too alone.

Hello all,
My Mum is my Dad's carer, Dad has mixed dementia and has deteriorated recently (I've posted about this before) and Mum has incurable breast cancer, but is stable for now. The thing is, Mum is with Dad 24/7 and it's getting her down. She has no social outlet, other than a trip to the hairdresser once a fortnight and me (and occasionally my husband at weekends) taking her and Dad out. She has refused to go to a social memory cafe with Dad once a month and also refuses to allow Dad to go a daycentre once a week to give her respite. Dad doesn't particularly want to go but would, if persuaded, and I think he would enjoy it.
My Mum's world has shrunk so much without any contact with the outside (other than doctors, nurses etc) and all she talks about is illness, her various and many symptoms of cancer/arthritis/diabetes/aches and pains. And it's getting me down because she constantly complains about not having anyone to talk to, of having to cook for Dad (she has been offered meals from social services but refused and I cook once a week for them at weekends because I work full time) and that she is lonely. She has never made friends easily and she always find excuses not to do things. I am very stressed about it because she is moaning to me all the time. I see her and take her shopping a couple of times a week and try to take her to visit relatives 60 miles away when I can, about once every six weeks on my day off, but I am really tired now and I've got health problems caused by stress. My GP says I have to slow down but how to do this whilst caring for them?. My Mum is very preoccupied with her illness and troubles and doesn't really have any time for me.
Does anyone have any tips on how to try and get them to have a life? They don't have to wait to die! Or do I just have to let them get on with it? Don't know what to do. I hate being hard on them but I am struggling.
Cerridwenx