Any thoughts?

[Missie K]

Hello
This is my first visit! where to begin...
My mother was diagnosed with short term memory loss due to depression. She lost five family members within a short period of time and would not have any counselling to help but relied heavily on talking everything through with me ever since. This all started in 2000 and her memory has been progressively getting worse. She is registered under the memory clinic and has been prescribed medication. She is now 78 and lives alone but generally manages quite well. She walks daily, feeds herself and has no daily care but does suffer terribly with confusion and general depression. My biggest concern is finance. I have Power of Attorney, but on a general basis she likes to take responsibility herself has a bank card, buys food shopping daily but buys things several times over as she forgets what she has already purchased,. The same also applies with cash withdrawals. These are now becoming higher than the income going in and despite speaking to her bank, having the power of attorney and having my name put on her account, I feel very out on a limb with no support from the bank. Of course she cannot remember taking the cash out or what indeed she is doing with it all! I have asked for a card that would limit cash but that is apparently not an option. I set up a new joint account with the aim of giving her a weekly pot in a separate account so that it does not jeopardise direct debits etc. in her normal account, but the bank sent everything to Mum which she then lost, despite asking for everything to be sent to me. I have to say I repeat every take at least three times with the bank and the Power of Attorney seems to hold very little weight at all. The house is full to bursting with repeated purchases, enough birthday and xmas cards to sink a ship and shampoo and conditioner to supply Boots the Chemist!

I try to stay positive about the situation but worry how to deal with her. I visit weekly and she does have a couple of good friends but she tells me she does not see anyone and cries an awful lot. She does see people but of course she forgets. She is not good at joining things and can be very stubborn about help.

I have been recommended to visit this site and hope that I can find some support, if not all the answers.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Missie K

Welcome.

hope that I can find some support, if not all the answers.

The support will be here in bucket loads but sadly fewer answers .

It was much easier for me to control my husband`s spending , because I lived with him, than my mother`s. I`m not suggesting for a minute your mother should live with you, I just want to acknowledge the difference.

I didn`t know where half my mother`s money went and it was a nightmare. I never found an answer. Luckily my mother didn`t have a bank card , she died 12 years ago , but her cash disappeared at an alarming rate.

I hope someone else might have found a way to get round this. I just wanted you to know how much I can identify with your concerns.

 

[Izzy]

Good morning and welcome from me too. I'm glad you found TP as you will get lots of support and understanding here. Like Sylvia my husband lives with me so controlling money/spending was never really an issue. Early on in his diagnosis he forgot his pin number so couldn't withdraw money. I went into the bank with the power of attorney papers and they eventually arranged it so that I can use his bank card on his behalf (we don't have a joint account).

Sorry, not much help just wanted to welcome you really.

 

[Pickles53]

Hello and welcome to TP. If your mum's current bank is not following the instructions you give them using the POA, that is negligent just as it would be for any other customer. I would complain and insist that it is sorted out quickly. The arrangement you wanted with a separate account with a small pot of money sounds perfectly sensible. If they won't help you, go to another bank. Keep most of her money in the new account which you manage and just a small pot in the old one.

 

[janey106]

Hello
This is my first visit! where to begin...
My mother was diagnosed with short term memory loss due to depression. She lost five family members within a short period of time and would not have any counselling to help but relied heavily on talking everything through with me ever since. This all started in 2000 and her memory has been progressively getting worse. She is registered under the memory clinic and has been prescribed medication. She is now 78 and lives alone but generally manages quite well. She walks daily, feeds herself and has no daily care but does suffer terribly with confusion and general depression. My biggest concern is finance. I have Power of Attorney, but on a general basis she likes to take responsibility herself has a bank card, buys food shopping daily but buys things several times over as she forgets what she has already purchased,. The same also applies with cash withdrawals. These are now becoming higher than the income going in and despite speaking to her bank, having the power of attorney and having my name put on her account, I feel very out on a limb with no support from the bank. Of course she cannot remember taking the cash out or what indeed she is doing with it all! I have asked for a card that would limit cash but that is apparently not an option. I set up a new joint account with the aim of giving her a weekly pot in a separate account so that it does not jeopardise direct debits etc. in her normal account, but the bank sent everything to Mum which she then lost, despite asking for everything to be sent to me. I have to say I repeat every take at least three times with the bank and the Power of Attorney seems to hold very little weight at all. The house is full to bursting with repeated purchases, enough birthday and xmas cards to sink a ship and shampoo and conditioner to supply Boots the Chemist!

I try to stay positive about the situation but worry how to deal with her. I visit weekly and she does have a couple of good friends but she tells me she does not see anyone and cries an awful lot. She does see people but of course she forgets. She is not good at joining things and can be very stubborn about help.

I have been recommended to visit this site and hope that I can find some support, if not all the answers.

Hi Missie K

Welcome and I hope you find the site supportive.... I know I do. Forgive me for smiling at your post as I can share your worries and concerns. My Mum still does some of own shopping (trying to stop her driving to go do it is another thread) but she always buys same things, irrespective of need, can't remember she has a list and 'likes a bargain' irrespective of space need. As fast as she buys some things, Dad gives me the overflow - this week another two large joints of meat, lemonade and onions. Strangely, there is little shampoo and conditioner but she has enough cleaning fluids, washing powder etc for about 3 years.
Her money is of serious concern though. She is carrying a very large sum of money in her current account and I am worried she is going to get 'scammed' or card and pin stolen. Suggested she puts some into savings account (in person withdrawal only and £250 limit in one transaction unless pre-arranged) but won't hear of it ..... "I might need some." Recently took her shopping and she insisted on keeping £200 in a brown envelope. Subsequently used a credit card for everything but then 'cleaned out bag' and thrown envelope away.
We have LPA but not sure if bank will accept without formal letter from GP and even if they would, need to find out what they can do. Please post if you get anywhere with this.
Just a thought, could the help of her friends be enlisted in introducing her to new activity? I ask this but know my Mum, in her more lucid moments, talks about losing all her confidence and her world getting increasingly smaller. So sad.

 

[Missie K]

Thanks

Thank you for your response. It is tricky because she is at a point where she is perfectly capable of buying her food (albeit several times over) and uses her card/pin well. However, it would be so nice to feel that banks understood we have an aging population and from reading this forum, I am not alone in raising this issue! I don't want special attention, but a consistency from branch to telephone help line would be welcomed. I spend hours either on the phone, in branch and no two people say the same thing. I filed a complaint only to be put back through to sales! Ranting now.....

I don't particularly want to change banks as she will become agitated if I change it. Change does not come easily and makes her very cross. I am going to go back and log a complaint again.

Thank you for your support.

Welcome.



The support will be here in bucket loads but sadly fewer answers .

It was much easier for me to control my husband`s spending , because I lived with him, than my mother`s. I`m not suggesting for a minute your mother should live with you, I just want to acknowledge the difference.

I didn`t know where half my mother`s money went and it was a nightmare. I never found an answer. Luckily my mother didn`t have a bank card , she died 12 years ago , but her cash disappeared at an alarming rate.

I hope someone else might have found a way to get round this. I just wanted you to know how much I can identify with your concerns.

 

[Missie K]

Thanks

Hi Janey

Thank you for responding - could I perhaps swap your joints of meat, lemonade and onions for 12 packets from frozen peas, multiple cod in parsley sauce and choc ices?

I have tried to explain to Mum that carrying a lot of cash is risky, but of course she forgets! The multiple withdrawals worry me that she will end up overdrawn and still have no idea where the cash has gone. I suggested me going with her each time to get her cash but again 5 mins later this is forgotten, so I know it will be a waste of time.

The bank have a copy of the LPA but what frustrates me beyond belief is that you discuss it all at length in branch, set up a new account to try and protect her from going overdrawn, request the paperwork/details etc. are sent to me, leave the branch and surprise, surprise, despite this it is all sent to Mum, she loses the card, carries out a form or origami on the PIN paperwork, handing me the letter with a square cut out (which contains the PIN) and obviously then can't find it! I then contact the branch who sincerely apologise, tell me it is all being re-sent and nothing arrives!!

I appreciate with Xmas/New Year this has probably slowed everything down but that was the second week of December, so today I will begin again.

Mum's two friends are very good. They take her to an art class every Wednesday but I would like too see if I can get her to join a local day centre as well. I am going to contact them to see if I can take her just for coffee but she is a very reluctant joiner of anything. What saddens me most is that she does actually get to do quite a number of things but thinks that she does not because it is all forgotten. Consequently she says she is so lonely and never sees any one which is not true. I try to get her to keep a daily diary so she has something to refer to but that resulted in the pages then being ripped out after the day had passed, so not much to refer back to there!!

Hi Missie K

Welcome and I hope you find the site supportive.... I know I do. Forgive me for smiling at your post as I can share your worries and concerns. My Mum still does some of own shopping (trying to stop her driving to go do it is another thread) but she always buys same things, irrespective of need, can't remember she has a list and 'likes a bargain' irrespective of space need. As fast as she buys some things, Dad gives me the overflow - this week another two large joints of meat, lemonade and onions. Strangely, there is little shampoo and conditioner but she has enough cleaning fluids, washing powder etc for about 3 years.
Her money is of serious concern though. She is carrying a very large sum of money in her current account and I am worried she is going to get 'scammed' or card and pin stolen. Suggested she puts some into savings account (in person withdrawal only and £250 limit in one transaction unless pre-arranged) but won't hear of it ..... "I might need some." Recently took her shopping and she insisted on keeping £200 in a brown envelope. Subsequently used a credit card for everything but then 'cleaned out bag' and thrown envelope away.
We have LPA but not sure if bank will accept without formal letter from GP and even if they would, need to find out what they can do. Please post if you get anywhere with this.
Just a thought, could the help of her friends be enlisted in introducing her to new activity? I ask this but know my Mum, in her more lucid moments, talks about losing all her confidence and her world getting increasingly smaller. So sad.

 

[Missie K]

Thanks

I do agree and you have made me feel determined to complain in writing again today.
I know I cannot expect special treatment but they clearly have issues dealing with anything outside of their tick boxes.

Hello and welcome to TP. If your mum's current bank is not following the instructions you give them using the POA, that is negligent just as it would be for any other customer. I would complain and insist that it is sorted out quickly. The arrangement you wanted with a separate account with a small pot of money sounds perfectly sensible. If they won't help you, go to another bank. Keep most of her money in the new account which you manage and just a small pot in the old one.

 

[Missie K]

Thank you

Already feeling this is going to be of great help to me and I appreciate your thoughts.

Good morning and welcome from me too. I'm glad you found TP as you will get lots of support and understanding here. Like Sylvia my husband lives with me so controlling money/spending was never really an issue. Early on in his diagnosis he forgot his pin number so couldn't withdraw money. I went into the bank with the power of attorney papers and they eventually arranged it so that I can use his bank card on his behalf (we don't have a joint account).

Sorry, not much help just wanted to welcome you really.

 

[Pickles53]

I do agree and you have made me feel determined to complain in writing again today.
I know I cannot expect special treatment but they clearly have issues dealing with anything outside of their tick boxes.

I can see that your mum might want to keep her account in the existing bank, but I think that LPA would allow you to open a new account somewhere different to keep most of her money safe. Hopefully this won't be needed if your renewed complaint gets everything set up as you wish, but you could certainly threaten that you will take your business elsewhere. I'd also say that you will expect them to compensate your mum for any financial loss arising from their failure to follow instructions.

My mum had accounts at 3 of the main high street names. When I activated the EPOA I was amazed how different their procedures were. Thankfully her main bank (N***W***) was by far the easiest to deal with.

 

[angelface]

We arranged a carer to take my aunt shopping. Shopping was paid for by cash I left for carer each week on a hiding place away from auntie.
Would your mum accept a carer if the carer was introduced as a friend? Maybe you can change the PIN so your mums card sudddenly does not work. Then she would need someone to help her shop?
I do sympathise, so hard to deal with.

 

[tracey6585]

Hi

We don't have a problem like this with Dad, as he doesn't any longer understand money - as long as he has a purse with some £1 coins in, and at least 1 £10 note, he feels secure.

However I have worked for several financial instutions so I would advise the following:
If you have an LPA- you have the right to change the address on your mums bank account to be at yours. You can also choose statements to be repressed, or kept at the bank for you.

I had a customer with dementia, who used to come in every day. We gave her a chequebook only so that she would have to come into the branch to take out cash. There was a note in the system to check if she had taken out cash same day before handing it over, and I used to check with her if she already had money in her purse.

If she tried to take out too much money, we would phone her daughter who had an LPA and warn her. Investigate and find a bank that believes in customer service, not targets and millions of forms.