Any Help To Admit Parent Into Care

[Andyp101]

Hi All

A brief summary: I look after my Mum 24/7 for these last two years who suffers from dementia. She is in the latter stages. My family, my sister and uncle, took my Mum under false pretenses to the Memory Clinic to get diagnosed, under the guise of 'it's just another cardiology appointment', ignoring the fact she had already promised to kill herself if she ever got diagnosed. I was away and in favour of pre-conselling before the appointment (as was dictated in NICE) but was also ignored as 'Mental health (my Mum's as well as mine; I suffer from depression) was stupid'.

Mum dropped to five stone after this debacle. She was left alone, letting the CPN's fifteen minute a day visit (if lucky) be enough, and Mum burnt herself very badly.

I have been here ever since.

Mum, naturally, has had an aversion (to put it mildly) to care. She views it as being 'taken away'. I have reluctantly come to the conclusion I cannot look after her at home any more. I have found a good looking care home. They 'feel' right. They are willing to take her in next week.

Any advice on how I approach this with Mum?

The care home has suggested just dropping her off and leaving while they distract her. I can phone every day but should not visit for a couple of weeks.

How do I break it to Mum that I am taking her to a care home? Do I lie? Say it is a social group? Has anybody got any similar experience they could share?

Thank you.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Andyp101
yes, take the advice of the care staff and keep it to yourself rather than say anything and risk having your mum build up resistance
on the day just say you going for a coffee to this nice new place that looks lovely, have a coffee with her saying lots of complimentary things about the place and the staff, then either just have to pop to the loo or give an excuse about some shopping and leave, maybe even just disappear without saying anything - the staff will take it from there
only you know your mum well enough to know how much or how little to say on the day itself

 

[Witzend]

Can only say what we did.
We didn't discuss it with my mother at all. According to her there was nothing wrong with her, and she'd simply have been very upset/angry, and refused to go. It could be a nightmare getting her out of the house at all anyway.
However by then her AZ was very bad - zero short term memory, unable even to make a cup of tea, not washing, etc., plus there had been a bad fall, so her need for 24/7 care had become urgent. After a lot of looking, we'd finally found a very nice care home that had a room available.

It was all,planned like a military operation. The CH was near my house and 60 miles from my mother's. My sister and I took her 'out for lunch' - they had asked us to arrive for lunchtime.
My brother and BiL followed later with suitcase - surreptitiously packed by my sister the night before - and various things for her room.

It was a measure of how bad she was that although you'd have thought it pretty obvious, my mother didn't realise it was a care home - she did think it was a restaurant. We had a very nice lunch all together. My sister undertook afterwards to tell her she was staying - I will freely admit that I was too chicken.
She wasn't happy, but sadly, by then there was no other option.

We had all been absolutely dreading the day, but it went rather better than we'd dared to hope.
Should add that her GP had prescribed Valium to make her 'easier' on the day, and it did seem to help. Our biggest fear had been that at some point during the 60 mile drive, she'd twig what wasn happening and demand to go home. Thank goodness that fear was needless.

Good luck - it's always difficult. I hope you find a way that doesn't involve too much stress all round.

 

[margherita]

Any advice on how I approach this with Mum?

If she is ,as you say, "in the latter stages", I 'd think there is not much to say to her.
I suppose she wouldn't understand and anyway she would forget.
The idea of just dropping her in the care home may sound " horrible", but looking into it, it is the only one that avoids useless distress to all.

 

[Andyp101]

Thank you to all. I apologize if it seemed an obvious question...I have been struggling with her care and then my regrettable but inevitable decision to find a home. I guess this is just another example of my 'nerves'. Already I am wrestling with guilt. I am to take her there Tuesday. It has been suggested I drop a suitcase of clothes and belongings to the home earlier so that I can make it a familiar looking place. It seems like a very good place (I looked around a few) and am, of course, hopeful for my Mum's future.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I didn't discuss it with my dad either and had to trick him to get him there which was hard guilt wise but it was the only way. I slipped out without saying goodbye and visited 2 days later to be greeted with 'Thank goodness you came back for me'. However I knew it was the right thing to do...for dad. Good idea to get your mum's things in place beforehand...keep a reassuring smile on your face even though you may not feel like it...remember dementia made you make the decision...you have done a wonderful job in keeping your mum safe and looked after just that now she needs a team around her 24/7 and your care will still be there just in a different way now that you are being supported. Hope it goes well

 

[yak55]

Hi, when we couldn't cope anymore we found a place for Mum, told her she was having a holiday and off we went. She had always said she never wanted to go into a care home but this was many years ago before Alzheimer's. I have never mentioned the words care home and I make up reasons and stories as I go along to placate her. She has settled well and it's coming up to 5 weeks now. I visit every 3 or 4 days because in the early stages it helps to let them find their way in new surroundings and to be taken care of by staff and join in with activities. I took mum for lunch and shopping yesterday for four hours for the first time since going into the home and all was well and I look forward to being able to do this more often.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do and have faith, it's sometimes not as bad as you imagine x

 

[Bnicholls]

It’s such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. I was in similar situation last year, looked after Dad myself but he kept having falls and I always said when his safety was compromised it was time to put that ahead of what he might want. Like others on this thread we told a white lie, Dad was in a retirement flat and we got the manager there to say there was a problem with the water and she had arranged for him to stay in another lovely place down the road for a while. We took some of his stuff down beforehand so there were familiar belongings. He accepted that entirely he didn’t know it was a care home and the transition on that day went fine, even though I was worried sick about it. I did feel terribly guilty but reminded myself that Dad needed to be safe and I could not keep him safe in the way he needed. You are doing the right thing, will be thinking of you on Tuesday