Any advice?

[edmund]

Hello everyone. I'm after some advice about my dad. He was diagnosed with mild dementia and possible Alzheimers earlier this year (March) but seems to be becoming increasingly confused, forgetful and erratic almost with each passing week. Certainly there has been significant change since Christmas. The problem is that he is in total denial. He knows that something is amiss and has admitted as much, but simply puts this down to 'old age'. My mum has been as supportive and helpful as she can, but he will not allow her to help with dealing with his affairs and is really struggling with confronting his loss of independence. I have tried talking to him gently and rationally, but have hit a brick wall each time. He simply will not budge. The thing is, my mum has her own health issues going on and is keen to move closer to my sister, which really she has to, both for her own and my dad's sake. One minute my dad is agreeing to this, the next he is not and will not commit to a decision.
It is now getting to the point where my mum is being torn apart by this. She cannot cope in their existing house and is desperate to be closer to her daughter and grandkids, and is now really struggling to cope with my dad. He asks for help, but then will not accept it. She is frustrated beyond belief and is being torn apart about what to do for the best. If only he would acknowledge the reality and accept some help then things may well be different.

Does anyone have any tips on how best to deal with this?

Cheers,

Ed

 

[stanleypj]

Hello Ed and welcome to TP. I'm sure you will get some more responses, particularly if you tell us a little more about your dad,

How was he diagnosed if he is in total denial?

It's not unusual for people to find such a diagnosis hard to accept - for obvious reasons. But it sounds as though he has deteriorated considerably since the diagnosis so perhaps you could try explaining this, in a letter, to whoever diagnosed him.

You could phone your local Alzheimer's Society and/or contact the admiral nurses:

http://www.dementiauk.org/what-we-do/admiral-nursing-direct/

Talking through your understanding of what your dad's current problems are with experts may well help you to see some possible ways forward.

Take care

 

[stanleypj]

Hi Ed, I'm bumping this in the hope that you'll get other responses this morning.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Ed

There are a lot of issues here and I will try to address them as well as I can.

First of all I wouldn`t press your dad into accepting he has dementia. It is often too difficult a diagnosis to admit to or accept and the more you persevere, the more conflict you will have.

I hope the following link will help you understand perhaps the best way to manage his behaviours.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired


Your dad reminds me very much of my husband who also clung to his independence for as long as possible. He accused me of trying to take his independence from him. I`m afraid I did have to let him find his own way to ask for help and I`m also afraid I did as much as I could without his knowledge.

We relocated to live near our son and I would encourage your mother do do as much as possible to achieve a move.

It is possible your dad cannot face what he might feel is a massive upheaval and if he can be spared as much as possible he might eventually agree to a move.

See if your dad will agree to a mutual LPA [Lasting Power of Attorney] My husband accepted this at my suggestion if either of us became ill, then decisions could be made for each other.

 

[Noorza]

If he won't accept the diagnosis then just leave it be. Mum is diagnosed without having used the A or D words that she won't hear, the doctor did not lie to her but told her what was causing the confusion etc. We talk about how her heart has let all her organs down, including the small vessels in her brain, we talk of how she has banged her head, and we go around the edges without ever wasting time, energy and arguing on making him accept the diagnosis.

I would concentrate on the symptoms, you know Dad when your memory plays tricks on you....... well mum's needs more help now so her daughter is going to help"

That's how I'd play it, blame the move on your mums needs (not his) don't blame the A & D but emphasis that when this or that happened that he accepts to use to show how much help his wife needs now.

The more it is down to him and his dementia, the more I think he will resist.

I'm not an expert just my opinion.

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi When my mum was in the early stages of dementia she knew she was not the same but when you questioned her she was very arguementative and no way could you reason with her. My dad died and she was really showing signs of the dementia and lived in a big house with a very large garden that she could not maintain and of course would not hear of having a gardener as you had to pay them! When she got depressed about the garden and in a fairly reasonable mood I could persuade her that she would be better off in one of those community flats which one of her friends lived in. She would be up for it and agreed that it would make her life easier but frustratingly she would forget this and back to square one. It did not help with the fact that my siblings were against it and reinforced the not moving idea. Has your parents done the LPA and if your dad has a diagnosis? It would probably be in your dad's best interests to be near his family also with your mum not being in the best of health. How headstrong is your dad? Looking at the situation from the outside you could look at the pros and cons. What would your dad have done before his illness, would he have moved because of your mum. Or would he have been someone who would not move whatever the consequences were. My dad flatly refused to move house when he was alive and my mum always wanted to move to a more manageable home. Sometimes it goes one sided and the other loses out. Your dad needs to see that your mum wants to be near you and the grandchildren but at what costs. Staying where she is and your dad deteriorating is not a very bright prospect and maybe she needs to make decisions for her own health reasons too. I cannot from my experience see how your dad is going to make a rational decision other than for his own needs as he is fearing his future and can no longer put others before himself. That in my experience is what dementia can do.

 

[Louaholic]

This is my first time on here and I was going to post a similar question! My dad is in complete denial and we can't even get him to the clinic to be diagnosed. He's getting more confused with every week and I know if I don't act now I will never forgive myself. My mum is older and is too scared to force the issue as he can get nasty - not physically - so it's been left in my hands. I know I need to broach the subject I just don't know how and am scared of his reaction - any suggestions?

 

[Jaycee23]

Would it be possible to contact his gp and explain the situation and get them to invite him in for a man m.o.t. in disguise. Your mum could tell a little white lie and say the doctors are calling all their male clients/patients at a certain age for a man check up. It is a bit worrying if your mum is scared and the gp needs to consider that too. Good luck

This is my first time on here and I was going to post a similar question! My dad is in complete denial and we can't even get him to the clinic to be diagnosed. He's getting more confused with every week and I know if I don't act now I will never forgive myself. My mum is older and is too scared to force the issue as he can get nasty - not physically - so it's been left in my hands. I know I need to broach the subject I just don't know how and am scared of his reaction - any suggestions?

 

[Louaholic]

Would it be possible to contact his gp and explain the situation and get them to invite him in for a man m.o.t. in disguise. Your mum could tell a little white lie and say the doctors are calling all their male clients/patients at a certain age for a man check up. It is a bit worrying if your mum is scared and the gp needs to consider that too. Good luck

I've said to try that but if they then tell him he needs to go to the memory clinic that's when he says he doesn't have a memory problem and refuses to go - its getting him there that we're struggling with - hopefully we'll manage it I think he just refuses to believe he has a problem :-(

 

[Noorza]

This is my first time on here and I was going to post a similar question! My dad is in complete denial and we can't even get him to the clinic to be diagnosed. He's getting more confused with every week and I know if I don't act now I will never forgive myself. My mum is older and is too scared to force the issue as he can get nasty - not physically - so it's been left in my hands. I know I need to broach the subject I just don't know how and am scared of his reaction - any suggestions?

It was a case of "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed" in our case. Mum knew the centre she was meant to go to was for mental health. That so wasn't going to happen so they did home visits.

What I did was to get the OT's help while she was in hospital to make a referral to the Memory Doctor, the first one who came said the A & D words he was booted out toot suite. So the next time an opportunity arose we got another referral to the Memory Doctor but this one was forewarned not to mentional A & D words, they won't like but she got around it by describing why her memory was failing.

I later found out the first doctor had diagnosed her with vasular dementia on the one visit, and the other one with senile dementia also.

Could you use a visit to the GP, where you talk to the GP first about what's happening to you Dad, he can then do a memory test to decide on referral. You may need to get them to visit you and warn them first how resistant he is so they'll be gentle and diplomatic while still being honest.

 

[Witzend]

By a certain stage of dementia, it is often (IMO) not so much the case that they are actually in denial (which implies that someone know there is a problem but is refusing to acknowledge it) as that they are not aware, or can't remember,that there is anything wrong with them. When their short term memory is very bad, they simply cannot remember that they are no longer able to do this or that any more.

What this means is that you often have to do or arrange whatever is necessary without discussing it, and/or with a certain amount of duplicity, I.e. telling whatever little white lies (or big fat ones) will serve the purpose without involving a lot of argument or aggro.

It can be very hard, but by a certain stage of dementia there is simply no point in trying to convince someone that they have this disease,and to be honest who on earth wants to know they have a horrible disease that has no cure? Even if they accepted it, chances are that they would have forgotten ten, or two minutes later. Or even two seconds later.

 

[little shettie]

Ed, your story almost mirrors mine! It's my mum who has the dementia and was diagnosed 3 years ago. My dad was not in good health and he was struggling to cope with mum mood swings etc. I suggested they move close to me so I could be on hand whenever they needed me, which was pretty much daily. Dad agreed and we even got estate agent in, brochure printed everything. We had to try and keep mum in the dark as she would never agree to it, never has wanted to move, hated change even before she got ill. As sole carer, I wanted to be able to care for my parents and not from 40 miles away. Well mum got wind of it, made dads life hell, I called in my three brothers to back dad and I up, but with mums tears an tantrums they backed her. I was furious as hell as that made dad back down. I told them all they were not looking into what the future held with this hideous disease, but alas it fell on deaf ears. So they condemned my dad to a life of misery not being able to cope with mum who is also in denial that's theres anything wrong with her. So my dad just stopped taking his meds, and starting drinking more and more and ended up sadly passing away earlier this year. That left me with a terribly confused, frightened lonely 92 year mum who despite the fact she is so so unhappy being alone, still will not move. Fortunately we got LPA before she became really bad and have now had to apply it. She no longer has capacity to decide for herself and once we've had a financial assessment in 2 weeks, we have the uneviable task of deciding her fate. I feel sick at the thought of it but its looking like care home. She recently told me if I ever put her into care she'd curse me for ever. What I would say Ed is, move your parents while you can, before its too late. if mum wants to then that's it, dad will have to. I wish I had. Wishing you all the best, you are not alone.