Anxiety returns

Mipsi

Registered User
Feb 14, 2013
58
0
London/Wales
It's been a while since I posted about my mum but now everything feels more sharp as I'm going back to Wales at the end of the week. It'll be the last time in Mum's house as it is as we have tenants moving in for September. There's still a lot to do and I'm dreading it. When I think of it from a distance it's ok, but being there is so much harder.

I've been reading some of the posts today and I now remember clearly (too clearly?) how hard it was when Mum was living at home. So hard to deal with and organise, especially as I didn't live nearby. I'd speak to her about 4 times a day, liaise with carers,dog walkers, cleaners, befriends and generally troubleshoot. That was hard when working as well! And then at least every 2 months I would come home for 10 days and be part of it all. Dealing with wee problems, deafness and miscommunication. Yet I could still have a cuddle and a laugh with my Mum. But the early morning anxiety would wake me and cast a grey mist over my day. I looked forward to the carers coming in so I could get a perspective on it all.

Mum went in to a nursing home at Christmas. It happened very suddenly and was a shock (though why I don't know!). She had told the staff in the memory clinic day centre she was scared to go home that night so she was whisked off to emergency respite. Four days later I was home and she came home for Christmas. Our last Christmas at home.

Mum has really settled in the home and in some ways I had forgotten how difficult it all really was and I realise that I no longer have to take all of the responsibility and that my Mum is very well cared for and happy.

Reading the posts today just reminded me of what I have been through (realisation at last!) but there is a gap where the anxiety used to be which I hope I don't fill up again when I am at home. It'll be a different sort of worry - I still miss my mum so much but have forgotten how heart wrenching and impossible it could be too. And all of that is part and parcel of how it is now.

I have to finish emptying the house - no mean feat! And yesterday, for the first time, when I spoke to her she asked when I was going to take her home. I know she'll forget that she even said it but my stomach is churning! I thought about which of my friends to ring for support but no-one really understands and receiving platitudes is worse than keeping quiet!

I remember now how helpful Talking Point is. I wish I'd found it when I was dealing with it all pre care home days. Maybe that was denial - I could explain away everything on Mum's behalf and convince myself the memory clinic had made a mistake! But boy, was that stressful!

It feels better to get that off my chest. I'm dreading the next few weeks......
 

turbo

Registered User
Aug 1, 2007
3,852
0
Hello mipsi, Being a long distance carer is tough.
I'm a long distance carer and loved visiting my mum in her own home before dementia took hold. I am lucky that my sister lives near to my mum. Mum has now been in a care home for three and half years.
I still find it really difficult. Clearing a house is difficult too, so many memories. It sounds as if you are looking after your mum really well.


turbo
 

SallyPotter

Registered User
May 19, 2013
161
0
Gloucestershire
Hi mipsi, I know what you mean, at the moment I'm having to go through my parents house.
They have always been hoarders and having moved from a 7 bedroomed house into a bedroomed one you can imagine the amount of stuff they have. Its sad, like dismantling their lives together with all our shared memories. In a sense it'd be easier if they were dead....... Who they where is gone now leaving shadows.
Funny really (in an ironic manner) how it all seems to have calmed down, they're (both my parents have dementia, slightly different stages, at least they're still together in the NH) happy, now its my turn to pick up the pieces. This time 6 months ago I was having phone calls at all times of the day and night about bank cards...... oh, and could I get them some cigarettes? (now they can't remember they used to smoke, a hell of a way to give up an addiction) for me? Hard to remember the really stressful times..... (natures way of protecting oneself?)
Anyhow, bit of a ramble, way to many brackets and dots , my heart goes out, lotsa love x
 

Mipsi

Registered User
Feb 14, 2013
58
0
London/Wales
Hi mipsi, I know what you mean, at the moment I'm having to go through my parents house.
They have always been hoarders and having moved from a 7 bedroomed house into a bedroomed one you can imagine the amount of stuff they have. Its sad, like dismantling their lives together with all our shared memories. In a sense it'd be easier if they were dead....... Who they where is gone now leaving shadows.
Funny really (in an ironic manner) how it all seems to have calmed down, they're (both my parents have dementia, slightly different stages, at least they're still together in the NH) happy, now its my turn to pick up the pieces. This time 6 months ago I was having phone calls at all times of the day and night about bank cards...... oh, and could I get them some cigarettes? (now they can't remember they used to smoke, a hell of a way to give up an addiction) for me? Hard to remember the really stressful times..... (natures way of protecting oneself?)
Anyhow, bit of a ramble, way to many brackets and dots , my heart goes out, lotsa love x

Oh Sally Potter, I really feel that you understand where I am! I've realised that all any of us have is NOW (especially in the case of someone with dementia), everything else is memory or imagination. Maybe the 'power of now' is what needs to be taken on!

My mum was a hoarder as well and wouldn't let go of her 'memories' but now ironically they evade her. I am the curator now and I'm hanging on - just in case! There's a limit to what I can hang on to though, living in a one bedroom flat!

Good luck with your clearing. We're lucky that our loved ones are happy and safe. In reality, for me it's about allowing my memories to exist in my mind without the physical evidence!

love Mipsi
 

Mipsi

Registered User
Feb 14, 2013
58
0
London/Wales
early morning panic

It's my second day back at Mum's half emptied house and I'm waking every morning feeling overwhelmed and panicky. I look at what I have to do and freeze, it all seems so impossible.
I went to the care home yesterday to see Mum with my husband and the dog. I guess she wasn't having a brilliant day - she sometimes refuses to move so she has her food brought to her. She was asleep for most of the time but when she was awake she wasn't really 'in', although there were very brief flashes of her a few times. She didn't seem pleased to see me although she asks me when I'm coming in every day when I ring. What she does respond to is me making funny faces at her - she copies me and then laughs. When we were there my husband asked me if I was okay - at the time I thought 'Of course I am' but when I got home I realised how much it had affected me, yet still reality is not sinking in. I guess it's my mind's way of coping - shelving overwhelming feelings. It's as if Mum was in a doppelganger's body and unable to get out. On another day (or even in the next few minutes) she will be completely different and lucid and lively. How can that be? What happens at these times?

The tenancy start date has changed now so there is less pressure to get everything sorted in a hurry but in some ways perhaps I needed that pressure. I just wish I could relax a little but if I do I may never getting going again. I stupidly find myself staring at old stuff and thinking 'I should really try and sell that, it's collectable' but being overwhelmed by the amount of stuff which I just cannot disconnect from my emotions. There's stuff that I don't want but just cannot let go (mirrors, pictures, paintings that Mum did, old teapots, glass and china)

Well, I've had my morning coffee and have to plod on. I'll keep busy and hope it'll all fall into place!
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,541
0
I really do understand, I too sometimes just look at what has to be done and it's not half of what you are going through and instead of facing a little bit and achieving something, some days its easier to do nothing.

Being the carer of a dementia sufferer can be overwhelming at times. My mum frightens me now, she bad mouths me some days and tells people who wonderful I am on others. Some days she is the nice old mum, other days she will try to kick and punch my door in, and I sit here locked in, unable to take any more abuse.

It's a hideous condition.
 

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