anxiety over parents being separated

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by rainsford76, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. rainsford76

    rainsford76 Registered User

    Jul 21, 2013
    cwmbran gwent
    I have both parents with dementia dad has alzeimers and mum vascular dementia. My dads condition isnt as extreme as my mothers only short term memory issues. My mum however is getting towards the middle late stages as unable to communicate and now doubly incontinent. I have 3 siblings and we all work full time so in between when we are unable to visit we have had carers and they go to day centes a couple of times through week aswell. My concern is that mums condition is rapidly getting worse by the day and im told that as dads condition is more residential and mums needs are more nursing the chances are they could get sepparated if they have to go into care. I just need to know if anybody else has been in this situation and what was the outcome? Im just worried on the impact it would have on my dad as will break his heart and his condition will more likely then deteriorate. We will not only of lost mum then but dad too :(
  2. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    I haven't been in this position, but I have been round quite a few care homes and many have 2 levels, one for residential and one for dementia or more serious needs. They might be separated in their rooms, but they might still be able to spend some part of every day together which would be reassuring to Dad. Have you looked around any homes yet?
  3. Angela T

    Angela T Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    I am not in this position either, but quite a few homes are dual - care and nursing.

    I think you should be able to find a home that could cater for both their needs - in either a double or 2 single rooms.

    It doesn't make sense to separate your parents, I agree !
  4. Bonzo

    Bonzo Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013

    My mother had terminal cancer and my father had dementia. She wanted to move to a nursing home near me and he would not co operate. So we moved her nearer and he went to a residential home near his home . She wasn't t going to get better and his presence wasn't always a help to her. He was accepted for himself where he was. So my decisions were based on what was better for each of them as individuals. The carers thought they should have been together. We thought dad would be upset and confused when my mother died. Mum died after two years illness, in December and we think it was ok to have them separated. Sorry if this is a ramble, just saying our family had them separated and thought it was for the best, we thought others comments were overly sentimental and from people who didn't know the whole circumstances of the family. Nothing is going to be great. Best wishes with your plans.
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    #5 Witzend, Mar 24, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
    I guess circumstances and wishes will vary so much according to the particular couple, but I am reminded of an elderly couple we knew, old family friends of OH. They were at least late 80s, no children, she had had dementia for many years. He battled on with it alone, as so many elderly people do - would not have help or any carers in. But things came to a head when HE fell and broke a hip - by this stage her dementia was advanced.

    We were startled to find that they had gone into separate care homes, at his request. He confessed to OH that he could not take it any more - she would have given him absolutely no peace - and he wished he'd done it a year or so previously, so he could have had little bit of a life back. He was enjoying life in his residential home, but sadly did not live to enjoy it for more than a few months.

    I agree that for the OP, a dual home could well be the way to go. My aunt was in a lovely one of these - residential, specialist dementia and I think nursing, all under the same roof.
  6. onlyme1

    onlyme1 Registered User

    Sep 10, 2011
    my mum has vascular dementia & dad has alzheimer's. they moved into a care home together about 18 months ago, they still share their double bed. although mum's orientation etc is poor, she has good awareness of her dementia. dad is very fixed in his routine & has become less patient with her and pushed her over resulting in a trip to a&e. However, I believe their quality of life and outlook is better together.

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