Anxiety issues

[Ferrit44]

I would like some advice if possible, My wife is in a constant state of anxiety, the memory clinic has now prescribed Risperidone,
but it’s a six week window before it’s effects are noticed, she’s continually demanding to go home to see her Mother, no reassurance from me seems to help,
The real issue that causes most conflict, is, if I take her out, she refuses to come back into our house, and becomes very aggressive in her refusal, it’s now becoming impossible to leave the house with her, that being the only way I can keep her safe, it’s causing me great distress as I feel like I’m keeping her a prisoner in her home

 

[jaymor]

If your wife shows no anxiety about being in the house then it’s maybe the best place for her to be. She probably does not see it as being a prisoner more like having a comfort blanket.

My husband demanded to be out every day so that’s what we did. Then it would be a trip back to the car every five minutes to make sure I knew where the car was parked. We travelled approximately 100 miles a day, 7 days aa week. Then whilst still insisting we went out within half an hour he wanted to go home only to say it was not his home so out we went again with me being told go to the right house.

I think this was the most difficult time of our 11 year experience of living with dementia.

Hopefully it will be a passing behaviour and won’t be replaced with yet another one that’s difficult to solve. Make sure you look after yourself.

 

[Ferrit44]

If your wife shows no anxiety about being in the house then it’s maybe the best place for her to be. She probably does not see it as being a prisoner more like having a comfort blanket.

My husband demanded to be out every day so that’s what we did. Then it would be a trip back to the car every five minutes to make sure I knew where the car was parked. We travelled approximately 100 miles a day, 7 days aa week. Then whilst still insisting we went out within half an hour he wanted to go home only to say it was not his home so out we went again with me being told go to the right house.

I think this was the most difficult time of our 11 year experience of living with dementia.

Hopefully it will be a passing behaviour and won’t be replaced with yet another one that’s difficult to solve. Make sure you look after yourself.

Hi, thanks for your reply,
sadly my wife doesn’t think our house is somewhere she wants to be, so sadly it’s trauma in or out of the house, hence her reluctance to go back home when she’s out, I’ve tried all the recommended strategies but non give any help

 

[canary]

Unfortunately, once they do not recognise their jome and want to keep going out to look for "home" its a gamechanger.
Maybe its time for a care home where she can be kept safe?

 

[Mr.A]

This is where I've got to say if I dare that memory tests and other tests are absolutely useless. My wife passed these with flying colours and yet within a very short time she adopted the attitude like that of your wife. I was not her husband, why are we in this house? ( our home for 38 years) we don't live here. Take me home. There doesn't appear to be any answer to this terrible dilemma. And it is terrible believe me. Unfortunately the issue was only solved in my case when she had to go into hospital and then because of her physical condition had to be admitted to a care home. Whilst that resolved my situation at the time and in a sad way was fortuitous, but that is not the real answer. All the love and attention and care cannot resolve the mental state of such an individual. Unfortunately there does not appear to be any answers or solutions until some action is taken by Government in having these people suitably and adequately accommodated in an appropriate environment. I'm sorry I can offer little comfort or advice and can only suggest that you seek professional advice and help. A care home could be the answer as my wife did settle to a large degree once she was placed there. Not the ideal I know but probably the solution for her and peace of mind for you.

 

[Tilly13]

Hello @Ferrit44

I understand exactly how difficult this is for you ( and your wife ).
My Mum was exactly the same .....we would go out in the car and have a lovely drive but once we started to drive down the road towards their house her body language changed and she began to question - why are we here ? Why have you brought me back here? we don't live here. She would look very frightened and then get annoyed with me.
She would read the house name sign and say ' I don't live here ' - just totally no recognition.
Somehow we would get indoors and use lots of distractions but it was so very, very hard. It also took quite awhile for Mum to settle indoors upon our return.
Trips in the car in the afternoons were harder ( sun downing!! ) than the mornings too.

I'm thinking it must be hard for you if you are alone in caring for your wife.
Do you have anyone who can sit with your wife if you have to go out ?
My parents had Carers in daily .My Mum asked to leave with them regularly and got in their cars.
It was all so very upsetting.


My dad has Alz so he was upset by Mum and confused also ( because actually he knew it was their house )
I'm afraid it didn't stop and I did stop taking them out unless necessary.

But next came leaving the house ( with or without ) my Dad to go to'home ' ( walking with purpose!) - not a physical known place but somewhere that she would feel secure.
Then not recognising the rooms in the house ( not knowing where we sleep ) or going into the garden and not realising where she was. Then being frightened in the house (other people live here , we must leave and scared off the dark as evening came ).
Does your wife have these anxieties too?

So eventually for my parents safety I researched and visited Care homes and they moved 7 months ago as they both required 24 hour care. It was not something I really wanted but they are well looked after and safe.
Mum settled but then after a few months wanted to leave and so all the repetitive behaviours started again - the same as when living at home. But now she has staff who are able to give her reassurance and help distract her.

Mum was also given Risperidone and it did help to calm her anxieties a little - it was supposed to be short term use but has been continued ( almost a year ).
I'm sorry not to be more helpful but just sometimes knowing you aren't alone helps a bit,
Take care

 

[Ferrit44]

Hello @Ferrit44

I understand exactly how difficult this is for you ( and your wife ).
My Mum was exactly the same .....we would go out in the car and have a lovely drive but once we started to drive down the road towards their house her body language changed and she began to question - why are we here ? Why have you brought me back here? we don't live here. She would look very frightened and then get annoyed with me.
She would read the house name sign and say ' I don't live here ' - just totally no recognition.
Somehow we would get indoors and use lots of distractions but it was so very, very hard. It also took quite awhile for Mum to settle indoors upon our return.
Trips in the car in the afternoons were harder ( sun downing!! ) than the mornings too.

I'm thinking it must be hard for you if you are alone in caring for your wife.
Do you have anyone who can sit with your wife if you have to go out ?
My parents had Carers in daily .My Mum asked to leave with them regularly and got in their cars.
It was all so very upsetting.


My dad has Alz so he was upset by Mum and confused also ( because actually he knew it was their house )
I'm afraid it didn't stop and I did stop taking them out unless necessary.

But next came leaving the house ( with or without ) my Dad to go to'home ' ( walking with purpose!) - not a physical known place but somewhere that she would feel secure.
Then not recognising the rooms in the house ( not knowing where we sleep ) or going into the garden and not realising where she was. Then being frightened in the house (other people live here , we must leave and scared off the dark as evening came ).
Does your wife have these anxieties too?

So eventually for my parents safety I researched and visited Care homes and they moved 7 months ago as they both required 24 hour care. It was not something I really wanted but they are well looked after and safe.
Mum settled but then after a few months wanted to leave and so all the repetitive behaviours started again - the same as when living at home. But now she has staff who are able to give her reassurance and help distract her.

Mum was also given Risperidone and it did help to calm her anxieties a little - it was supposed to be short term use but has been continued ( almost a year ).
I'm sorry not to be more helpful but just sometimes knowing you aren't alone helps a bit,
Take care

Thanks for your reply,
But there doesn’t seem any place my wife is happy, but I think at this point I can’t see any way forward, the thought of forcing her into care fill’s me with sadness, I still love that person who’s disappeared in front of me

 

[Mr.A]

Please do not think you are forcing your wife into care. In fact the situation has been forced upon you and you need to consider and take what you feel will be the best course of action for your wife. There is a way forward; which may not necessarily be what we would really want; but again in the best interests of her. Whatever the outcome the love you have for her is still there and will remain. My wife settled into her care home reasonably well and was as happy as you can expect in that situation. She soon came to accept her surroundings and the attention of her carers. Yes, I still got the request to take her home but unfortunately in her world that was not the home we both knew but her childhood home. It's a very sharp learning curve and I had to learn to try and change the subject and take her mind off it. Their thoughts are very often only momentary and soon pass. I found sometimes that if I left her room just for minutes that on my return she would smile and greet me as if I had just arrived. Which I think proves the momentary passing. I know from experience how hard it is but as I found I had to put my own feelings to one side and make the decision that I knew was the right one for my wife and in her own best interests. It turned out right and she received the care and attention she required which helped me too knowing that she was in good and safe hands. I hope you make the right decision and make sure you get the necessary support that you need.