anxieties re care home

[leslyz]

Its been ages since I posted, can't remember when but I was trying to think of somewhere I could reach out for some advice. Mum's been in her care home for over 3 years now, its over 100 away from where I live. I was never sure right at the start if it was the right place for her, circumstances put her there in the first place (respite from hospital) and when COVID hit it wasn't possible to move her anyway.

this care home have kept up the covid restrictions so I hadn't seen her room for over 2 years but on this visit I was allowed to go in (just this once) and was frankly shocked. Her wardrobe was jam-packed full of stuff, not just clothes, lots of things I'd brought for her just shoved in the back of the wardrobe, there were new clothes I'd ordered for her, still in their wrappers, they'd told me they fitted and she liked them (may be too late to send stuff back now).

Then I found clothing that wasn't hers including knickers which was horrific and there was loads of other issues. The communication between the staff and what is supposed to be going on with mum is always vague and they never know anything. I was meant to be having a meeting with the new manager that day but she only had about 15 mins in the end so we will reschedule but it is of huge concern. The other manager left suddenly and now this person has come in and she sounded promising at the start, she wanted to open up the care home more for relatives again and was talking the same language about enriching lives.

I am also deeply concerned about moving my mother at this stage, I remember how it was for her when she first went there and it took a while, she still packs things up every night and doesn't believe she lives there but she is obviously more familiar with the place, the residents and staff. I know a move can be extremely distressing to someone with dementia in fact I read it can hasten their demise, I am so worried about the basics now. I will be having a conversation with the manager but don't even know if I can completely trust her as she seems to be just fobbing me off and saying things she wants me to hear.

I don't know what I'm expecting by posting this but I want to share, to find out how other people are coping with things further down the line with their relative in a care home and any words of advice or support would be so much appreciated. Sorry its such a long post as well. Thank you

 

[Izzy]

Welcome back to the forum @leslyz.

I'm so sorry to read about your mum's situation. It must be heartbreaking for you. No need for any apologies - I hope it has helped a little to share here.

I think you're right to be having a meeting with the manager. I know you won't allow her to fob you off as you'll be making clear that you'll be monitoring things closely. I'd ask for a written record of the meeting or take a record of it yourself.

I hope it goes well

 

[leslyz]

Welcome back to the forum @leslyz.

I'm so sorry to read about your mum's situation. It must be heartbreaking for you. No need for any apologies - I hope it has helped a little to share here.

I think you're right to be having a meeting with the manager. I know you won't allow her to fob you off as you'll be making clear that you'll be monitoring things closely. I'd ask for a written record of the meeting or take a record of it yourself.

I hope it goes well

thank you Izzy, very kind of you to reply, am feeling anxious about the meeting with the manager and have decided to go up to see her in person, in a recent phone call she was very non-committal about stuff, not replying to my emails etc. It is stressful.

 

[leslyz]

thank you Izzy, very kind of you to reply, am feeling anxious about the meeting with the manager and have decided to go up to see her in person, in a recent phone call she was very non-committal about stuff, not replying to my emails etc. It is stressful.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

My question would be, 'But how is your mum? Is she being properly looked after and is she as calm/contented as dementia allows?'

The things you describe - wardrobe stuffed with clothes, some of them not hers, the staff/manager not communicating as they should - these are things many of us have experienced. Yes, it can be shocking and makes you think the manager is being evasive, etc, but maybe you have to adjust your expectations because even if you moved your mum, it might be the same elsewhere.

Definitely have your meeting with the manager and make it clear you're not happy with the current situation. I found once everyone knew I was keeping a very close eye on things, they did make more effort to locate mum's clothes, etc. There were 4 different managers in the 3 years my mum was there. I liked Number 1 but she left weeks after mum went in. Number 2 I had to have words with a couple f times but I could see she was struggling to hold everything together and was doing her best. I never saw Number 3 who lasted days and didn't really get to know Number 4, just before mum died.

Unfortunately, care homes - like most institutions - are not perfect. They also tend to be short staffed which means sometimes the 'niceties' get missed. (Like sorting out someone's wardrobe or making courtesy calls.)

 

[Jale]

Have you managed to have a meeting with the home manager yet? Has your Mum settled, if she has I don't think I would be rushing to move her. I sometimes find mum with someone else's top on (she is bedbound, refuses to let carers put a nightdress on but is happy to have a tee shirt on), and originally I was concerned about it, but now not so much. Doesn't mean that I like it but it could be worst.
I used to take biscuits in for mum and leave them in a tin and left a note asking carers to give them to her when she had a drink, but that never happened. So I just give them to her now when I visit.
Mum's wardrobe is sometimes a bit untidy/not organised but on the whole it's not a major problem, new jumpers. or tops all mixed up but I work on the basis they are hers and they are laundered.

It is always difficult when we have to trust our loved ones care to someone else - I struggled (and still do sometimes) when mum first went into the nursing home as things weren't done as I would have done them - but I do try to let some things go and work on the basis that Mum is safe, cared for and clean, is she happy I don't honestly know because dementia has stripped my old Mum away.

I hope that you can get things sorted, not only for your mum but also for your own peace of mind. Take care x