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anticipatory grief

Xhanlbxx

Registered User
Aug 31, 2019
13
0
Hi everyone ,

I was wondering if anyone could relate to how I am feeling as I seem to really be grieving at the moment as my dads condition is in the final stages.

Dad needs support with everything now , even walking when he can because of his balance - due to this I work from my parents house afew days a week to safeguard and carers come in.

I have been doing this since November and it’s really opened my eyes , especially when he had a seizure in January and it really scared me.

Since then my emotions keep going up and down because of course we have lovely moments together but then I get a wave of grief knowing that what is happening will end with me losing my dad and it’s really hard.

It is harder that he is only 60 and i look at other people around me and I just get so upset because it’s just so unfair . The only thing that brings me through the grief and despair is thinking that dad wouldn’t want me this way and he always supported me with my anxiety .

It is so bloody hard though as it isn’t a grieving process then heal , it is a grieving , heal and then grieving again.

Just feel so sad at the moment and angry 😔
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
66,647
0
71
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @Xhanlbxx.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s an emotion that many on this forum will understand. I wondered if you’d find this helpful -

 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,427
0
South coast
Of course you feel like that @Xhanlbxx
Everyone who is caring/has cared for someone with dementia knows what it is like and no-one who has not cared for them can truly understand. It is not just grief for the person themself (although that in itself can be overwhelming) it is the loss of everything that goes with it - the loss of the conversations and advice, the loss of the things they used to do, the loss of hopes and dreams for the future.

You have only recently taken on significant caring - with most of us it creeps up slowly - so it is not surprising that you have been overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge the loss. It is OK to feel the grief.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
305
0
@Xhanlbxx . You are absolutely right. I think most of us on here have probably suffered from the same thing.
I know that I did when my husband was diagnosed.
It wasn’t only the illness but I grieved for a lost lifestyle.
That might sound a bit selfish but it is a devastating change and so sudden that I was left reeling.

im so sorry that you are going through this Especially as your dad is so young.
There is plenty of help on here so please ask any questions you may have.
There will usually be someone here who can answer.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,412
0
@Xhanlbxx , the grief you are feeling is normal. As others have said it is grief for the person and the lifestyle which was once shared. It is truly horrid. I am not sure yet what the answers are as I am still trying to come to terms with it.

It must be so hard because he is still only 60. You mention that you still have some good times with him so do cherish those. Take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.

You might find it helps to speak with someone for example an Admiral Nurse or just with friends and family. Take good care.
 

Xhanlbxx

Registered User
Aug 31, 2019
13
0
Thankyou I really appreciate it I just think that sometimes the understanding around early onset is not as good with the general public because people can say to me they lost their grandparents in their 80’s to it which of course would be utterly devastating but when someone is in their 60’s and will never see me get married and have children etc it breaks my heart as he should be retiring and enjoying that .

I just feel like sometimes it is rare people can relate like at work etc .

I do have an admiral nurse who has been with me since 2019 and is the best support mentally I have had through a professional ( most over professionals try to push higher doses of tablets or ridicolous therapy which does not help )

Thankyou for kind messages and replies I wasn’t expecting messages so soon