Anticipatory grief in Majorca

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by northumbrian_k, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    1. Sorry my post stuck there, to cut a long story short It was all a nightmare on different levels No one spoke English so my faultering French was challenged - and medical terms :( But I managed.Once home and things more settled I suggested a quiet holiday in Pollenca Majorca. But Henry was not interested. He told the doctor I was trying to force him to go a holiday abroad, The doctor knew I was not doing that but he said I should go myself which I thought inappropriate.
    But I did think about it, Henry said I should go he would be fine at home with our young Cairn terrier dog having lost a much loved one some months earlier. He was besotted with the puppy. I booked a week, Henry said stay two weeks, and I did. I would not have left him on his own had I not felt sure he would be alright, This was before any real signs of dementia. Also before many of his so-called friends became invisible. So they popped in from time to time. He was his usual self out and about,driving well, a little forgetful at times but no real memory problems and he remembered what had happened in France.

    Once there I sort of fell apart a bit and spent the first week on the hotel terrace reading and thinking. Taking in what had happened, I enjoyed the company of a few other women holidaying alone and learned much from them. We would enjoy an evening drink then a walk.

    The first week was a peaceful week and I realised how much I needed it. The hotel could only take me for one week so I had booked the second in a small apartment in the town and enjoyed that especially breakfast on my small balcony.The second week I was out and about, I only had a provisional driving licence so hired a bike, and also used local public transport, I needed to be alone and in retrospect, considering dementia started soon afterwards, early symptoms but difficult, Henry had dementia around 15 years, I was glad I did go. There was no respite later but after 10 years I found TP and it saved me.

    There were those who disapproved and a nearby neighbour gave me a right telling off going off on holiday leave my husband alone after a stroke. It was a moderate one, nothing like the major stroke his mother had when 51/2. (she later developed dementia.)

    I had been away on my own before, mainly painting holidays in the UK. Normally he would have wanted to hear all about it, but this time he had no interest and could only talk about him and the puppy, how much he had trained her, and what he had been doing. (An eary sign?) I think we each benefited from the time on our own in different ways.

    Anyway I never regretted that holiday, I was not in a good place after all that happened in France and I do remember sitting in a little park opposite the hospital and saying to myself "life will never be the same again," Although in the long run Henry's stroke did not affect him too much physically. He did have mobility problems as dementia progressed though,
    ]After the stroke he was banned from high level walking and was very upset about having ti stop hill walking but continued ow level for some time,




    Sorry northumbria_ k. Ihave written too much on your thread, I also had a respite holiday in Pollenca Majorca just meant to say that soon after my husbands stroke and Ihad a respite break in Majorca, Pollenca The northern and it helped, The northern part of the island it has a special atmosphere of its own.

    Lovely photos. lovely island I do hope you manage another time also, meantime enjoy your memories

    Loo xx

    Loo xx
     
  2. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    PS still having problems typing mainly my sight and also seeing the keyboard now I can no longer touch type, I did not mean the doctor was inappropriate saying I should go alone but I felt it would be inappropriate to leave Henry, and I did feel guilt. But it eased once I was there and settled.
     
  3. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,240
    East of England
    Your story is very touching @Loopiloo and interesting insights for us all coping with the problems of looking after our loved ones. I too wrestle with all the ifs and ands of what to do but in the end I think taking care of yourself is vital for our own wellbeing (and our family too). Thank you for your tale of your experience. x
     

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