Anticipatory grief in Majorca

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by northumbrian_k, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    708
    Male
    Newcastle
    I am enjoying my cycling holiday on the island of Majorca most thoroughly. The weather is lovely, the roads are great to ride on, the scenery is attractive, the locals friendly and my cycling club mates most supportive of my efforts to stay with them. But I realised today that none of this can I share with my wife. She is not on holiday with me for the first time in many years, I can't phone her because she has lost the ability to use the telephone and, when I get back, telling her about it would be a waste of time. I think that I now understand anticipatory grief but it will not stop me from appreciating my time away and views like this:

    On the way to Formentor.JPG
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,192
    Female
    Dundee
    So sad. Thinking of you.
     
  3. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    5,704
    Male
    Bristol
    I remember that feeling last summer northumbrian_k, but was so lucky to be able to share photos with C on returning. It's good to relax and enjoy some time with your friends despite the sadness, I hope the weather holds up for you all.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    It`s the loss of sharing which I found one of the biggest stabs in the heart. Even now, five years after death, something happens which I really would love to be able to share.

    Thank goodness this has not spoilt all your pleasure @northumbrian_k
     
  5. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,242
    East of England
    I am contemplating the same thing @northumbrian_k and it doesn’t bring me any joy but what else can you do when your life is blighted anyway and you yourself are beginning to go under. I am glad that you can take some pleasure from the beauty.
     
  6. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,228
    It is so hard, my husband is the only person who has really known me. We shared seamlessly, so I really understand how difficult it is, as do many on here. It is a lovely picture, enjoy the rest of your time. X
     
  7. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    642
    Male
    Kent
    Hi @northumbrian_k

    So glad to hear you're enjoying your break.

    I can empathise, as I felt the same when I went to Majorca (without my wife) to celebrate a friends 50th. It was my first respite in over 4 years and I needed the break but laying round the pool, I couldn't help thinking that she should be there with me!:(

    Like you, I had to rely on calling the respite unit to check how she was (fine, as I had expected) and bless her, she doesn't understand what goes on around her, so couldn't share my experiences.

    I am booked to go to Turkey in July, with my sons and their families, having secured a 2 week stay for my wife in the same respite unit as last year. It will be the first time we've done this without their mum (we just about managed 2 holidays abroad all together, after she was diagnosed). Sad but she definitely wouldn't cope with going (neither would I).

    Best wishes
    Phil
     
  8. elvismad

    elvismad Registered User

    Jan 8, 2012
    289
    I understand your comment about joy. Things I would have enjoyed in the past are now sadly lacking. I find little motivation to do anything but keep pushing on as I know it is too easy to give up. On the plus side, I seem to have no fear and am adding a 100m Abseil to the list of adrenaline events i have done in recent years as mums condition has progressed.
     
  9. Agzy

    Agzy Registered User

    Nov 16, 2016
    826
    Moreton, Wirral. UK.
    Present I am fortunate in that not only do I get away quite often but my OH can cope with a mobile specifically for my incoming calls and, although the ‘swipe’ often defeats her she manages. As for talking about my travels, yes we do, sort of, and she will watch the slideshows I create from my photos but not with the passion she once had for new places. I am dreading the day when my travels are curtailed as it will mean further deterioration in her condition, good luck for your future.
     
  10. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    Incredible views - you just keep on enjoying your holiday, and telling us about it, because we surely want to hear !!
    I am going through exactly the same thing - I have been head hunted to do some genealogy work for a tourist outfit in the States with regard to the 400th Mayflower anniversary next year. For me, this could be quite big - they also want me to do podcasts for the US - no point at all in any way, shape or form can I share this with my OH - he doesn't understand any more...... so I am with you on this @northumbrian_k - but keep looking at the view, keep enjoying and don't feel any guilt
     
  11. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    708
    Male
    Newcastle
    Eight days of wonderful cycling, great companionship with a supportive group of friends, lovely food and beautiful weather. Over 430 miles ridden, who knows how many feet climbed and numerous cakes eaten. But tomorrow - as all holidays do - it will all come to an end. On Monday I''ll pick up my wife from the respite centre and it will be back to the reality of lives blighted by dementia.

    Even though my legs are stiff and my face is glowing from the sun this is one trip that will be a treasure to remember when daily life looks bleak. To anyone in a similar situation I would say do your utmost to get a break from your caring responsibilities, even if just for a short time. You deserve a life too (and riding a bike is strictly optional). One more photo for the road.

    IMG_1795.JPG
     
  12. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    So pleased you had a wonderful time - memories made to cherish in the future.....good stuff!!!
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    I hope you won`t have to wait too long before you can take another exhilarating break @
    northumbrian_k. It sounds like it was worth its weight in gold. :)
     
  14. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
  15. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,242
    East of England
    I shall try to follow your example and advice, hard though I am finding it but psychologically and emotionally I am quite low and know I need some rest from that. He is so easy, but frustrating to look after, as long as he does very little and like you I need more just once in a while.
     
  16. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,228
    So pleased that the break has been so good, could you take a trailer next time with me in the back? I would get out at hills!
     
  17. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,021
    Female
    Chester
    430 miles is a good amount, fairly hilly terrain on the bits I did. You must have been doing a good bit on turbo/rollers to be that fit. If you did Sa Colobra I'm ultra impressed - I'm impressed with your mileage anyway.

    I'm glad you've got away even if your wife.

    @AliceA - You'd be doing a lot of walking - there's a lot of hills
     
  18. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,228
    Thanks for the warning! I think I best just dream about it!
     
  19. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    708
    Male
    Newcastle
    I left Sa Calobra to the youngsters @jugglingmum but did fit in plenty of other hills in what proved to be a testing but rewarding experience and one which I hope has refreshed me for getting back to 'normal' tomorrow.
     
  20. Loopiloo

    Loopiloo Registered User

    May 10, 2010
    6,119
    Female
    Scotland
    It sounds marvelous on the lovely isle of Majorca although challenging cycling.

    My husbands dementia was the result of a stroke. It happened 10 days into a long planned holiday in France after he took early retirement following his 60th birthday. He was 9 days in a hospital in Brive miles from the gite we were then occupying. My French is not great
     

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