My dad died recently and since then my brother has been regularly (weekly) asking my Mum (with AD) for money. He has a drug and alcohol problem (life long) and is very manipulative. All his life he has been Mum's favourite child and she will not hear a word against him. This is fair enough, but he tells her anything she wants to hear (such as "I hardly touch a drop" or "I'm not taking drugs now") and naturally she believes him. Like most (all?) addicts he lies constantly and without compunction.
My Mum and Dad have supported him to a very large extent throughout his adult life (he is 53) but when Dad was alive, Dad would "put the brakes on" a bit. Now he isn't around, my brother is (not to put too fine a point on things) "conning" my Mum out of her money. (I estimate about $A1500 in six weeks.)
He has complained to Mum that I will know she is giving him money (!!!) because I handle all her bills. She told him not to worry about that because "it is her money". I have POA and enduring guardianship but I have tried very very hard to make Mum feel I'm only there to help, not to take over. This has worked well until now.
Now I face the unpalatable issue of insisting that, as POA, I take over her finances completely and thereby protect her from my brother's depradations. Apart from the fact that she cannot possibly afford the money (at this rate it would amount to about $A13, 000 a year (approx. eight and one half thousand english pounds), I'm also concerned that she doesn't remember she has (very recently) given him money. She told me this week "I gave him some money for his birthday". When I said "Well, you gave him some money for his birthday last week too", she couldn't remember it.
For the first time in her whole life (she is 84) Mum is in a comfortable position financially. As anyone can see, this won't last long if my brother is allowed continual access to her funds. She says (and rightly so) "It's my money", but I truly believe she is not acting in her own best interests.
It is complicated by the fact that all four of her children (including me) inherit equally on her death. My sisters and I really believe my Mum should do as she likes with her money and we DON'T want her to think we are just trying to protect our inheritance. To some extent this is true, but we also recognise that giving large sums of money to an addict is only making his addictions more dangerous for him.
I am very conflicted by feeling (on the one hand) that Mum should be free to spend her money any way she wishes; on the other hand resenting like anything that my brother is (yet again) benefitting in ways that will leave me and my sisters with nothing. This seems very mercenary to me at times, yet at other times I feel it is very unfair for him to get EVERYTHING - especially after the thousands and thousands of dollars Mum and Dad have already given him / spent on him over the last 35 years.
I am SO angry with my brother because I can see that my relationship with Mum will be severely damaged if I enforce the POA. I am the major caregiver and am supported by my sisters (thank goodness!) but I really DO NOT need this added burden. I'm still grieving deeply for Dad (it is only 6 weeks since his death).
Have any other TPers faced similar situations, and if so, how did you handle them?? I know what I have to do, but I would very much appreciate your words of wisdom.
Thanks, Nell
My Mum and Dad have supported him to a very large extent throughout his adult life (he is 53) but when Dad was alive, Dad would "put the brakes on" a bit. Now he isn't around, my brother is (not to put too fine a point on things) "conning" my Mum out of her money. (I estimate about $A1500 in six weeks.)
He has complained to Mum that I will know she is giving him money (!!!) because I handle all her bills. She told him not to worry about that because "it is her money". I have POA and enduring guardianship but I have tried very very hard to make Mum feel I'm only there to help, not to take over. This has worked well until now.
Now I face the unpalatable issue of insisting that, as POA, I take over her finances completely and thereby protect her from my brother's depradations. Apart from the fact that she cannot possibly afford the money (at this rate it would amount to about $A13, 000 a year (approx. eight and one half thousand english pounds), I'm also concerned that she doesn't remember she has (very recently) given him money. She told me this week "I gave him some money for his birthday". When I said "Well, you gave him some money for his birthday last week too", she couldn't remember it.
For the first time in her whole life (she is 84) Mum is in a comfortable position financially. As anyone can see, this won't last long if my brother is allowed continual access to her funds. She says (and rightly so) "It's my money", but I truly believe she is not acting in her own best interests.
It is complicated by the fact that all four of her children (including me) inherit equally on her death. My sisters and I really believe my Mum should do as she likes with her money and we DON'T want her to think we are just trying to protect our inheritance. To some extent this is true, but we also recognise that giving large sums of money to an addict is only making his addictions more dangerous for him.
I am very conflicted by feeling (on the one hand) that Mum should be free to spend her money any way she wishes; on the other hand resenting like anything that my brother is (yet again) benefitting in ways that will leave me and my sisters with nothing. This seems very mercenary to me at times, yet at other times I feel it is very unfair for him to get EVERYTHING - especially after the thousands and thousands of dollars Mum and Dad have already given him / spent on him over the last 35 years.
I am SO angry with my brother because I can see that my relationship with Mum will be severely damaged if I enforce the POA. I am the major caregiver and am supported by my sisters (thank goodness!) but I really DO NOT need this added burden. I'm still grieving deeply for Dad (it is only 6 weeks since his death).
Have any other TPers faced similar situations, and if so, how did you handle them?? I know what I have to do, but I would very much appreciate your words of wisdom.
Thanks, Nell