Another Challenge Ahead

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by mel, Jul 16, 2006.

  1. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Well....good news....Mum's house has been sold and although I knew a sale had been agreed ..... the completion is arranged for next Monday 24th July!
    Good news indeed....
    So....why do I feel so glum?
    Mum had no say in this....that's why!
    The house she had shared with my dad for 25 years has been taken away...sold behind her back by her doting children!!!!( sorry....a bit of self-pity going on here)
    Not only that ...most of her possessions have gone....distributed among the neighbours,mainly....who mum didn't even like very much!!!(well she liked them once upon a time but not in the last few months...for some reason only known to her dementia!!!)
    So on Saturday or Sunday I shall trundle off to that house,collect anything that I may want to keep and bring it back and hide it away......I feel like a thief.....Mum's still alive and I'm stealing her belongings from under her nose....
    How I hate this disease........
    The last time I went to her house I had an overwhelming feeling of sadness
    Now I have to do it just one more time
    Another chapter closed.......:(
    Wendy
     
  2. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    HI Wendy

    I found it hard sorting the house out - but we all took a few things that we wanted to keep, and my sister took the majority to a car boot sale - such a sad end to all that collecting.

    To put it into perspective though - I just think how I would feel about my 2 sons sorting my house out, and to be honest, I wouldn't bother if they binned everything. It has made me think that I MUST de-clutter my house:eek:

    I've ended up with millions of Mum and Dad's photo's that I just can't bring myself to bin - as I've said in another post - I'd feel as if I was erasing their past, so I've now got plans for them!

    We thought the hose had been sold, but unfortunately it all fell through last week, so we're back to square one.

    Everytime I go in to see Mum, she ask if I've come to take her home, then she'll ask if anyone's looking after it!! I d feel really guilty lying to her, but the sad fact is that she thinks of home as my Grans old house and she hasn't lived their for about 60 years?!!

    Libs
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Wendy,
    We just have to keep letting go, don't we, bit by bit? Ability, part of the personality, things...and it all hurts. You are not stealing, just treasuring mum's things for her. I wear a ring that was my grandmother's, and my mum's Eternity Ring. My mum's fingers became too thin for her to wear them, and they are valuable and we worried about them getting lost - so I wear them for her - they are not mine, they are mum's, but I treasure them and love them as she did, on her behalf.
    OK to be sad, then let it go, and get on with life as it is today.
    Love,
    Helen
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Gosh that how I felt for a very long time , but back then I did not have TP to share it with

    Its so good to hear that as that what I hide inside of me and would not admite it to myself that it done my head in .

    I went back to the house last year the lady that lived there let me go inside to have a look around the house had been gutted change so much , that it did not look like the house we had lived in for 41 years , but it help me put the past where it belong , now I do not feel sadness , only regret & I know that they say that you should not have regret , but I can’t help it I just recognize the feeling and let it go now .

    One thing I have learn is not to suppress any feeling acknowledge it and let it go thanks for sharing mal
     
  5. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Ah Wendy, I'm so sorry. Home is where the heart is and selling it is so final. I can really understand how much that must hurt. I will be thinking of you.
    Big Hugs,
    Debbie
     
  6. shauny

    shauny Registered User

    Oct 27, 2005
    57
    north-east england
    another challenge

    Wendy, i do it when people have got no family its a part of the job i hate but it's got to be done.Sorry can't be of more help. Shauny
     
  7. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi
    Thanks everyone.....don't know what I'd do without you....give up I think!!!
    love
    Wendy
    x
     
  8. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    thanks for posting this Wendy. It's so much how I've been feeling recently. I'm a little behind you in this process. Today we reached a landmark with dad's house in that most of the upstairs rooms are cleared and cleaned and won't need to be re-visited. Will very soon be ready to get on the market. Getting rid of his stuff has been agonising ...... so much so that I've ended up filling my own attic with stuff to sort through at a later date. Pain has been eased a little by sending lots of charity shops, freecycle and re-cycle - less horrible than sending it to the tip ....... but a sad end to stuff that's been lovingly collected over a life time.:(
     
  9. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Last year, when Mum decided she needed to go into a Care Home, it was really hard to take her home apart so that we could rent it out. I had thought that we could leave some of the furniture behind, but the agent said it was better to have an empty house. Mum took quite a few things with her into the home, including her electric bed and reclining chair, so her large room looked extremely homely and it seemed as if she had just moved house.
    My daughter took a lot of things for her new house and we gave away furniture, jig-saws, books and odds and ends to friends, charity shops and relatives. I kept her beautiful dining room suite for my study and we left our own in the lounge, where it had been moved while our daughter lived with us. I've kept most of the ornaments and kitchen equipment, but threw away anything chipped or tatty.
    Mum's house is empty at the moment, awaiting new tennants (references being taken up) and it looks so sad. My Dad died six years ago and having the house empty again brings it all back.
    When the first tennants were living there, it was nice to see the house being used and the rent went towards Mum's fees. When Mum went into the NH, we had to bring more stuff home, as there was less room and I don't think the NH room is as homely. It would be good for Mum to come and see her display cabinet with all her ornaments, but I don't know how we could get her in, as she is not able to weight bear at all and needs a hoist for lifting her from the wheelchair. I'm actually using Mum's computer to write this. It is a 1999 iMac.
    Kayla
     
  10. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Yo! Slow down the bus there! You are NOT 'going behind her back', nor 'stealing' - you are doing the best you can for her in ways you never in your worst nightmares might have thought you would have to..... if your mum was able to recognise what you were doing for her she'd be swelling with pride......

    Painful as your next visit will be, I hope you can look beyond the 'practical'. Garages, friends' spare rooms, attics - even rented storage - can all come into play at times like this.... but you'll always find space for that 'little something' worth nothing materially - but everything sentimentally ..... I think what people have said here already before is so right - much as it's difficult to try to 'hang on' to things (practically) until you're in a better frame of mind to decide whether you or anyone else wants to keep them or not.....

    Wendy, I know what you mean about another chapter closed .. but the book goes on.... how many here wish we could preview and re-write the ending????

    Tough, tough few days ahead of you......will be thinking of you....

    Hugest love and hugs, Karen (TF), x
     
  11. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi All
    once again, thanks
    my first thoughts were.....get rid of everything but as so many of you have said...I need to hang on to things because in years to come I'll wish I had kept things...
    I don't even understand why I want to get rid of things:confused: ....My brother's the same....he's told me to take everything....I've told him to take everything....at least we're not falling out over who has what!!....I'm going to go on Wednesday for a couple of hours before my brother arrives on Thursday and I'm going to pick out things which I think he would like and take a few bits for me ....after all I know there are a few things which hold good memories for the kids.....
    Áine....I understand what you've been going through and its so hard to do it on your own....my brother's done most of the sorting....but sometimes when you come across old letters and cards...well it just breaks your heart......
    As we were selling the house...the agent agreed it would look better if the house looked "lived in" so most things were left in place until the sale was agreed.
    Every time I've visited since then a few more belongings have gone....all so very sad

    Wendy
     
  12. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Too right Karen!!!
     
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Wendy,
    Maybe all either of you want is your mum back as she was, and you can't have that, so nothing else really matters.
    Love,
    Helen
     
  14. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Helen
    I think that's it!
    Thanks
    Love
    Wendy x
     
  15. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum's house now has new tennants, who will be moving in by next week. An empty, lonely looking, sad house will become a home for a family with three children and a dog. I know Mum will be delighted that her beloved house will have "some company" and it will be looked after and the garden tended (I hope!). She will also have some income from her property. Life goes on, and Mum's unfortunately, will continue in the Nursing Home, although she is well looked after and no longer has the worries of maintaining a house.
    Kayla
     
  16. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    hi All
    just a bit of an update.....went to mums house, first on Thursday ,took my daughter with me as she wanted one last look around . My brother was there and he'd gone through the house like a dose of salts, hanging on to things that he thought I'd like ....he knows I'm very up and down at the moment so that really helped.I must say it was not as hard as I thought it was going to be....I think I'd had my moment when I'd visited before....still felt a bit sad but with all there belongings moved it didn't seem so bad...
    The man buying the house used to live in the same road! He used to work with my husband about 20 years ago and knew my dad very well and had a great deal of respect for him!what a small world....he's told my brother he plans to change the house quite a bit but,getting this information seems to reassure me and I feel quite calm again.
    I went back yesterday with my husband and eldest son and said goodbye to the place.
    Chapter closed....time to move on
    love
    Wendy
     
  17. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Well done Wendy. Good to know that the house is going to be cared for and valued.
    New chapter opens.
    Love Helen
     
  18. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Next challenge.....son's driving test 16th August :eek: and his AS level results the following day.:eek: :eek: ....think I'll find a rock to crawl under for a while.......
     
  19. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    Hi wendy, it was exactly the same when we handed my grandparents' house back to the council. I'd been apprehensive, it was the place of many, many happy holidays, full of memories, love and warmth and laughter. We (children and grandchildren) went through all my grandparents' things, kept lots of stuff that had sentimental value for each of us, and while it wasn't easy, there were lots of laughs as well while we were sifting through Christmas cards, photos, clothes, the attic, sideboard drawers, etc. etc. we had a huge barbequeue the night before we gave the house up and stayed over night one last time. I blubbed for half an hour, then I was ok. With nan and gramps not living there and most of their posessions moved, it wasn't the same any more, it was a bit like an empty shell.
    I still walk past the house regularly when I'm in the UK, go and call on our old neighbours who are almost like family, and when I look across the fence at our old house, I think back to the happy times I spent there, but that's in the past. Now there are new people living there and letting go was quite easy.

    Glad it went ok for you too. Good luck with the driving test and the AS results now.

    Tina
     
  20. nikita

    nikita Registered User

    Jul 31, 2004
    92
    we are going through the same thing now with grans house the only difference being she is no longer with us. when she first went into her nursing home we donated lots of items there bedding, towels etc which were all new as gran used to have a bit of a shopping habit. i took 3 perfume bottles glass from her house for my bedroom and my daughter toook her money box, i didnt need anything else ive got 35 years of happy memories.
     

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