Annoying Visitor for my Dad at the Home

[Ladywriter1968]

Before my Dad went into the care home he has this annoying mate, who had lots of money out of him. The mate said he paid it all back at the time but I know he didnt. The mate in the past just used my Dad really. When Dad went into the care home before Dads house was given up there was this burglary, although we think he was involved we cant prove it. Then Dads mate cooked something there and left his stuff for us to clear up. I have had a few goes at him.

I asked the home if they can stop him visiting dad cause he is not any good for him, but they cant. On top now the man is just going to the home to get free meals every day. Even dads key worker has told me this, she said the problem is we have to be nice to people visitors even if they are doing wrong. She has warned him though.

Every day this man goes there early to get free breakfasts and then been returning later for free dinner as well. He kept a low profile from me for a while cause he knows how I feel about him.

When I went there today he was sitting there and he got up and left when he saw us.

This man just gets whatever he can for nothing. He even tried to get smokes from Dad at the care home but they said No. He does not work and lost his previous job got the sack for lazyness and sleeping on the job.

I thought that we were to see the end of this man now but as long as he can keep getting freebies, he will stick around.

Maybe anyone here got any thoughts of this.

 

[Vonny]

I think that provided you have given your dad's key worker this information, and provided that key worker ensures that your dad isn't exploited by his so-called mate, there is little you can do.

It's the care home, not your dad, which is being exploited and I suspect that they will only allow that for a short time.

Your dad is a vulnerable adult, so ask the key worker if they can keep a close eye on your dad whenever this "mate" is around.

 

[BeverleyY]

I'm surprised the care home provide him with a meal. Perhaps if they started refusing he would stop visiting.

Having said the above, if your Dad has no money and nothing of any value for this man to steal, is it really any harm him visiting? He probably gives your dad more attention than the staff can. If it means him smoking a few of your Dad's cigarettes... well, it's a small price for company.

He may be a lazy, useless good for nothing to you (and everyone else) but for your Dad, he is a friendly face in the morning and evening before you get there.

Maybe there is some good in him being there (even if his motives for visiting are not well intentioned).

What he wants out of the visit is secondary I think to what your Dad gets out of it.

Hope that doesn't offend you - just trying to maybe get a positive out of this situation.

Beverley x

 

[JPG1]

Well, I’d go along with Beverley and Vonny on this one.

If your Dad sees a face and hears a voice that he knows and recognises, then that’s good. And you said before that you can’t visit your Dad that often, so it may be good for your Dad if his mate continues to visit. If your Dad enjoys his mate’s visits, then that can only be good for your Dad. It may be good for his mate too! So a double bonus from the care home to its residents and visitors.

As long as this mate of your Dad isn’t likely to get his hands on any of your Dad’s money/treasured possessions, then there's no harm done. And if he gets his hands on anything that’s not your Dad’s, then that’s not your worry.

A caring care home should be able to spare a breakfast and a lunch/dinner for a visitor, even on a daily basis. And if he asks for 'seconds', then they'll probably give it too! His name's not Oliver, is it?

You’ve done the necessary, by alerting the care home and your Dad’s key worker to your worries. It’s now in their hands to make sure your Dad is cared for and protected from anything that might be ‘unwanted’.

And who knows, this mate of your Dad's may be very lonely and almost in need of care himself, so he may need just a bit of TLC.

 

[TinaT]

It is very hard to be charitable when you know this man has in the past been using your dad just for his own gains! At least the man knows how you feel and has the good grace to get up and leave so that you can visit your dad in peace. As others have said now dad is in a Care Home this man will find it almost impossible to ever do that again.

In my husband's care home there is a couple who the staff have recognised as both needing care. Social Services have put the wife into care but not the husband. He arrives at Ken's care home by taxi at 8.30 every morning and stays for all of his meals, and leaves at 7 pm each night when he goes home in a taxi. He does pay for his meals and the staff know that he really needs care himself so are quite happy for them to be together every day. It must cost him all his pension to do this every day but it seems to work well for them both.

I'm not surprised that this compromise has been made by the care home staff as they are so kind and sympathetic to all who go through their doors.

xxTinaT

 

[Pescita]

I agree with Beverley. This man can't take money from your Dad that he hasn't got, & though you may not like him, I'm not sure what harm he can actually do now, unless your Dad is upset by his visits?

As for the free meals, that's a matter for the care home to deal with. There's no reason why they shouldn't ask him to pay for them if they feel he is taking liberties, but it's really up to them whether they do or don't.

 

[Bob S]

I would have thought that the care home, being private premises, would be able prevent any person they chose from entering if they so wish.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

hello there

I'm surprised the care home provide him with a meal. Perhaps if they started refusing he would stop visiting.

Having said the above, if your Dad has no money and nothing of any value for this man to steal, is it really any harm him visiting? He probably gives your dad more attention than the staff can. If it means him smoking a few of your Dad's cigarettes... well, it's a small price for company.

He may be a lazy, useless good for nothing to you (and everyone else) but for your Dad, he is a friendly face in the morning and evening before you get there.

Maybe there is some good in him being there (even if his motives for visiting are not well intentioned).

What he wants out of the visit is secondary I think to what your Dad gets out of it.

Hope that doesn't offend you - just trying to maybe get a positive out of this situation.

Beverley x

I see what you are saying to try and turn round to a positive rather then negative, but dad don't even speak to him when he is sitting there. He don't even ask dad how he is or nothing. I am not offended and thanks for trying to make things better in a lighter situation but in this case it wont work. This man has had so much from my dad before and it seems he is still taking advantage cause he is only going there for free meals, not to see my dad. My dad has friends there now, and he has other friends whom visit him from outside that are decent people. There is always one bad apple in the pile isnt there.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

about the smokes

I see what you are saying to try and turn round to a positive rather then negative, but dad don't even speak to him when he is sitting there. He don't even ask dad how he is or nothing. I am not offended and thanks for trying to make things better in a lighter situation but in this case it wont work. This man has had so much from my dad before and it seems he is still taking advantage cause he is only going there for free meals, not to see my dad. My dad has friends there now, and he has other friends whom visit him from outside that are decent people. There is always one bad apple in the pile isnt there.

About the smokes this mate wanted, the thing is, Dad gets his allowance each week and if this mate has smokes, that would come out of dads allowance basically, and the key worker said no to mate, you provide your own smokes. Cause everything is accounted for like smokes and stuff like that, that comes out of dads account, therefore if the mate is having smokes again my dad is paying for it. but luckily the key worker does not allow it.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

I should have told everyone this part which I forgot

Dads mate is 48 years old, I should have explained cause you all probably thought being dads mate that he was around dads age, which dad is 80 years old now. He has always sponged from others this man. This man was sacked form his job for laziness. He is not even a friend, just someone who hung around Dad.

Every time he visits Dad says, oh, he came here to get more money from me again. So every time Dad sees him, he associates him with wanting more money. Not someone who is a friend of his. Dad cant even remember the man's name and Dad actually refers to the man as gummy bloke.

Dad told us that he don't even like the man and the key worker said to Dad, that Dad should ask him not to visit. But Dad wont. The other day when we went there the man was there and myself and husband went to Dads room and the man did not even say goodbye to Dad before he left.

I have read all your stories, but the people you refer to actually need help. That's when I realised that I didn't put down this man's age and my mistake, I should have done so that you all understood.

Myself and husband are also poor like this man but we don't expect hand outs like him and don't take advantage.

This man actually admitted once that when I was giving up Dads house that he would squat in it, simply because it was bigger then his bedsit. Obviously he didn't. He has no shame at all. This man told me he has his Mum and 2 sisters, so he is not alone.

When I gave back house to council I asked him to drop his key off and he didn't show up. The care home is just around the corner from the house, when man visited all he had to do was drop it thru letter box.

Then he sent me a text saying sorry I think I upset your dad, when I rang he would not answer his phone. Then he would not tell me what he said to Dad. When I asked Dad he could not remember it all. Dad just said he knew he was annoyed with him but could not quite think why.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

not always the case

I would have thought that the care home, being private premises, would be able prevent any person they chose from entering if they so wish.

I did ask the home this, they can not prevent any visitors from entering, only if Dad said, I don't want them here!

 

[Ladywriter1968]

its Del

Well, I’d go along with Beverley and Vonny on this one.

If your Dad sees a face and hears a voice that he knows and recognises, then that’s good. And you said before that you can’t visit your Dad that often, so it may be good for your Dad if his mate continues to visit. If your Dad enjoys his mate’s visits, then that can only be good for your Dad. It may be good for his mate too! So a double bonus from the care home to its residents and visitors.

As long as this mate of your Dad isn’t likely to get his hands on any of your Dad’s money/treasured possessions, then there's no harm done. And if he gets his hands on anything that’s not your Dad’s, then that’s not your worry. His name is Del, or Derek!

A caring care home should be able to spare a breakfast and a lunch/dinner for a visitor, even on a daily basis. And if he asks for 'seconds', then they'll probably give it too! His name's not Oliver, is it?

You’ve done the necessary, by alerting the care home and your Dad’s key worker to your worries. It’s now in their hands to make sure your Dad is cared for and protected from anything that might be ‘unwanted’.

And who knows, this mate of your Dad's may be very lonely and almost in need of care himself, so he may need just a bit of TLC.

His name is Del, or Derek

 

[Bob S]

I did ask the home this, they can not prevent any visitors from entering, only if Dad said, I don't want them here!

It sounds like the home are taking the easy option here. Have you taken the issue up with the management at the home?

 

[BeverleyY]

Thanks for telling us your Dad and this man's age.

Obviously, there is a huge gap and whilst friendships are fine at any age, I think maybe you are right that he is taking advantage.

I would maybe keep pressing things with the care home to get him to stop. Tell them to charge him for his meals and see if he vanishes!

If he doesn't speak to your Dad, then your Dad is getting nothing from the 'friendship' anyway.

Best of luck.

Beverley x

 

[Ladywriter1968]

hi to everyone

Thanks for your input.

I did ring the care home the other week and spoke to her but she said they cant ask him to stop unless my Dad specifically says he don't want him there.

As you know yourselves, some people with dementia could not say to the person, I don't want you here, or to say to them, you are not coming here to see me, just to eat free food.

Lets be honest here, even some people that are not sick would not even have the nerve to be blunt with another person and tell them off! I would and I have done! But not everyone is like me though.

I have known friends who have had annoying men bothering them etc, and I have said, tell them to simply go away, you are not interested, or stop ringing you and so on. And rather then the friend tell them, they just don't answer the phone or put it on perm answer machine service until the guy gets the message and stops bothering them and goes away. But you see where I am going with this. Not everyone has the nerve to tell another person. Go away. I guess they don't want to hurt their feelings. But sometimes you just have to, to get the message across to them.

I guess you are right and its the home he is taking advantage of really. Cause he is getting free meals there and someone obviously is footing the bill for this, which I assume is the LA then. I assume the home charge the LA in bulk and they just pay through an account then. Or probably tax papers then footing the bill. Cause if each person pays for their stay there, or are funded by LA and the other part comes from their pension, like dads do. Then who pays for the meals, I guess it comes out of each person there that stays there then.

I just find it appalling that this man is simply getting freebies from these people there, and someone is paying for it.

Thanks for your inputs on this.

 

[donkey]

have you asked this man not to come visiting your day xxx

 

[donkey]

sorry i mean dad xx

 

[beech mount]

This is a home full of people at risk,and anyone can enter?
the LA should be told.
John.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

hi there

have you asked this man not to come visiting your day xxx

Thing is, we do not visit the same day every time we go, we have to visit on what ever days our funds are available to get down there. I would just rather the man left my dad alone and didnt visit at all. But thats not going to happen. I just hate the fact of what he did to Dad before and still hanging around really.

 

[Ladywriter1968]

hi there

This is a home full of people at risk,and anyone can enter?
the LA should be told.
John.

Oh ok.

I was told that anyone can visit providing they behave themselves, but if they cause any distress to the sick they will be removed. Thats what the home told me. When I said to them about this man before they said they cant get involved in personal disputes. But if he was to upset my dad then they would tell him to leave.