Registered User
Aug 18, 2005
Hi All,

I haven't posted for a while, but am still reading.

I'm a little bit annoyed tonight...things have become a bit of a mess over the weekend.

Nan needed to go to hospital for an op. Grandad is suffering with VAD. Instead of letting us know, she decided not to "bother" us with it. She told family (daughter) who live over a hundred miles away...telling them to keep it secret...and they did.
Instead of leaving the day release ward after the op she was kept in....and Grandad therefore left alone. Now mum and dad have stayed at the house for 3 nights, and have been up and down to hospital inbetween. Mum couldn't get help from SS because everyone goes home on no help until tomorrow...
I just feel mad. I feel like letting them know how irresponsible they were. There response was - well Nanny told us not to tell you...
They know the situation - common sense to tell my parents would have been a good thing. why would they do that. I expect nan to make these weird decisions because she's exhausted...
Mum and Dad have said Grandad was as good as gold this weekend. They let him decide when to sleep...where to sleep...(in the armchair)...he even mowed the lawn..something he didn't do for months. It's great when they are good. Lets hope for a few more days of that at the very least.

Best wishes to all...thanks for letting me vent...and make your ears red in the process...x x


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Hi Lindsey, I can well understand your anger! Trouble is, we all tend to do it. If someone asks you to keep schtum about something, generally, we do. Not because we are being difficult or don't want to share, but because we genuinely believe the person doing the asking has the right to do so. Does that make any sense? I know many times I have done just this, because I just wanted to try to spare my kids extra anxiety if I could. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it is the truth as I see it. However, in the circumstances, with your Grandad poorly, it may well have not been a wise thing to do. Still, what's done is done. Your Grandad is OK, hopefully your Nan is too. I do sympathise with your anger, but I can also see it from their point of view. They were trying to protect you. OK I know it was silly but there it is. You know now. Rather than have a row about it, perhaps you could gently point out that you are only too willing to help out in these kind of circumstances. Especially as this time showed up that there was a gap in care for your Grandad, which you would happily have provided for, had you been aware. It is not a good time to apportion blame, it is a time to say, lets make plans so we can do better in the future. Hope things soon improve for all of you, love and a hug, She. XX


Registered User
Jun 2, 2005
Los Angeles, USA
Hi Lindsey,

You live quite close to your grandparents, right? That does seem kind of nutty, telling your parents who live a long ways away but not you! It may as Sheila said have been well-intentioned on everyone's part, but I can see why that would be maddening, especially if you were worried about what might have happened to your granddad due to lapses in supervision of him.

I hope he continues to have some good days, and things get back on track for your grandparents and you!



Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
Hi Lindsey,

I'm a little confused about whether you're annoyed at your Nan, your parents or at the SS - I guess it might be all three! It's not nice when we find out after an event, when we could have done something to ease the situation. I understand your position, because I also want to be called whenever there's something I could do to help my parents. Here's an illustration:

My Dad is now in a Home and Mum (81) lives alone. She struggled to turn her mattress on her bed (a double bed!) When my sister found out, she asked why Mum hadn't asked her to help. Mum knew that that would have been the sensible thing to do, but she wanted to be able to still do things for herself. All the time she had been wrestling with the mattress she was thinking of how much easier it would have been if Dad had still been ok - he would be helping her - they would be sharing the problems together, without having to get others involved. I saw it as a metaphor for struggling with her life without Dad.

I realise it was more important to ask for help in the case of your Nan going to hospital and your Grandad being left alone, but the mattress saga just showed me how hard we try to hang onto our independence, even in the face of common sense. It's not just the thought of worrying, or bothering, others that stops us from asking for help - sometimes it's just a sense of wanting to still be able to cope for ourselves, just like we've always done in the past. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear but, as I said, I do see your side too and I hope your Grandparents continue to improve,

Best wishes,


Registered User
Aug 23, 2005
I can understand your anger

Dear Lindsey

If I've got this right, I can fully understand your anger.

Your Nan told her daughter - who lives a long way away, but not your parents who are more local. Is this right.

If this is correct, it was absolutely stupid for your Aunty not to have passed this information on - especially under the circumstances. It was putting your Nan and Grandad at risk.

Maybe your Mum does quite a lot for her Mum & Dad and possibly it was your Nan's way of getting closer to her daughter! If I'm way off the mark I'm sorry to have misunderstood.

I've had a similar kind of situation whereby my Mum and Dad knew that I would always be there for them (by phone every day and by visiting whenever possible and certainly whenever necessary) even though I lived 100 miles away. However when they needed to move closer to a family member and deep down they knew my brother was unlikely to have been as supportive, my Mum decided to move one road away from him - my Dad who was very poorly was very upset by this as he wanted to move close to me and my family.

Anyway, for a few months my brother & his family were fairly good, but when push came to shove and Mum & Dad were just not coping he backed off and the very best he did was to visit for an hour once a week (1 road away he lived!).

Dad died leaving Mum very very distressed. She is in a home close to me now and I visit most days . My brother doesn't phone, write or visit and just doesn't want to know. I'm more relaxed about things as I can put my finger on Mum whenever she needs it but it makes me really annoyed that Dad was not able to have the same love and attention. But Mum was just trying to get closer to her son - she knew I'd always be there for her!

Hopefully, writing your message has helped to release the anger. Anger's not healthy for you so try to lose it and move on.

Best wishes



Registered User
Aug 18, 2005
Thanks for all of your comments.

You are right Ellie..thanks. My parents have been providing the care and support and weren't told about op...and my Aunt who lives far away was told, and went on holiday and failed to let us know. She only visits 1 or 2 days a month..

I guess in I didn't explain it well in the heat of the typing!

The SS have been very helpful and supportive, so no complaints there. They have a system to work within and without proper notice there is little they can do on a Friday.

I think my angry attitude had stemmed from the thought that the whole situation could have been avoided.

I'm not an outwardly angry person, and so venting on here helped a little. Be assured all that I'm feeling good and moving day by day, as advised by so many on here.

Thanks again to your replies... I value the time it takes you to reply to me and the sentiment in sharing your experiences. I feel so much better after the rant....

Best wishes.


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Lindsay, glad you are feeling more positive again. Hhope your Nan is OK after her op? Have things been sorted out now to provide the care they need when she comes home? Love She. XX

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