Hi everybody. I only joined TP today. My mother died on dec 24th. She was 79. The funeral was yesterday. I could write a book about her disease but I am sure it has all been said before. What I have problems with is my anger. For example : new years eve, midnight, the fireworks start everywhere, and on tele you see everybody wishing everybody well and good health (huh !) and all I could feel was anger. Why is everybody so happy. Why do they have to have these stupid fireworks. I just want to be alone and sulk and feel miserable. Life goes on. Yeah sure, but not for everybody. I am now an orphan ! I am also angry cause I was going to be the strong one at the funeral. I was going to be strong for my oldest son, whose girlfriend could not make it to the funeral (she had to work and was not allowed time off). Guess who completely broke down ? Me of course. I know it will take a long time to clear those last images of my mother away. Last time I saw her she was not responding to anything anymore. It was like she was in a coma. And then the nurses came to change her diper. That is not how somebody should see his mother. That was so indignant. And I really don't blame the nurses of the retirements home for this. It was a Sunday, they were understaffed and they really could not wait untill visitors had gone. They have done a fantastic job. My mother has been in the retirements home for nearly a year and I know she actually has had a good time there (her not knowing anymore where she was). I have seen a picture of here, taken a couple of months ago, and she was smiling. She was happy there. I know I sound worse than a woman with pms. My moodswings are terrible. I know it takes time. And it helps, writing about it.