1. mrsspooky

    mrsspooky Registered User

    Jan 3, 2008
    6
    Brussels
    Hi everybody. I only joined TP today. My mother died on dec 24th. She was 79. The funeral was yesterday. I could write a book about her disease but I am sure it has all been said before.

    What I have problems with is my anger. For example : new years eve, midnight, the fireworks start everywhere, and on tele you see everybody wishing everybody well and good health (huh !) and all I could feel was anger. Why is everybody so happy. Why do they have to have these stupid fireworks. I just want to be alone and sulk and feel miserable. Life goes on. Yeah sure, but not for everybody. I am now an orphan ! I am also angry cause I was going to be the strong one at the funeral. I was going to be strong for my oldest son, whose girlfriend could not make it to the funeral (she had to work and was not allowed time off). Guess who completely broke down ? Me of course.

    I know it will take a long time to clear those last images of my mother away. Last time I saw her she was not responding to anything anymore. It was like she was in a coma. And then the nurses came to change her diper. That is not how somebody should see his mother. That was so indignant. And I really don't blame the nurses of the retirements home for this. It was a Sunday, they were understaffed and they really could not wait untill visitors had gone. They have done a fantastic job. My mother has been in the retirements home for nearly a year and I know she actually has had a good time there (her not knowing anymore where she was). I have seen a picture of here, taken a couple of months ago, and she was smiling. She was happy there.

    I know I sound worse than a woman with pms. My moodswings are terrible. I know it takes time. And it helps, writing about it.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi mrsspooky

    As you have figured out yourself, it is probably time that will cause the most fierce anger to fade.

    If we think about it rationally, there is no reason at all why people should not enjoy themselves at any time. The problem is that there will always be those who are going through hard times who think.... "what?"

    As my Jan was going through the tough early stages of her dementia, I would see other women walking normally in the street and get angry - "why are they ok?" I would see older couples in the street or the supermarket and get angry "why are they ok? We won't ever have that."

    But in the end, it does no good other than perhaps giving something else to focus upon.

    In your post you have mentioned some major positives ["I know she actually has had a good time there "]. Try to concentrate on them.

    By the way, a good wallow in misery is not wholly a bad thing, as long as it does not go on too long. sometimes that can help to put things in proportion.

    A key thing to indicate that the period of anger is over is when you begin to notice things that warm the heart a little. First signs of Spring does that for me, though that is a long time off yet.... the first snow flakes have just started to fall here.

    Last point.

    you said
    Well, no it hasn't, not precisely, anyhow. Everyone has a different track through this, and something - anything - you have experienced that you can pass on to others here will not only help them - you will find it starts to help you as well.

    best wishes
     
  3. nickyd

    nickyd Registered User

    Oct 20, 2007
    146
    warwickshire
    Dear Mrsspooky,
    Firstly I would like to send my Deepest Sympathy to you on your Mum passing away.
    Secondly, I know exactly how you feel about the 'Anger' issue.
    It could drive me crazy if I let it. I'm four months down the line with losing my Mum, she was 68,had vascular dementia for 10 years. I am devastated, but so so angry with why Mum had to get it, why Dad is on his own now, and why it took her from us, and why she had to suffer so much..
    My Mum had got to the end with Dementia, she really couldn't go on anymore. The main thing is that shes not suffering, ok.. we are, but Mum was the one with this vile disease not us..
    Believe it or not my anger has eased, and it will for you in time, but it is such early days for you at the minute.
    I hope you continue to post on TP, there is someone always here for you, that knows exactly how you're feeling. It has helped me no end..
    Love and Hugs, Nicky xxx
     
  4. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    197
    manchester, uk
    Hi Mrsspooky

    Firstly may I say how sorry I am to hear of the passing of your mother.
    Secondly may I welcome you to TP. As Brucie mentioned it hasn't all been said before, everyones story is different. I can understand your anger, but people don't realise how sad some people are as they have never been through it themselves. The other year I would have been celebrating with the rest of them and not realising that others where going through what I have been through this past year. I suppose what I am trying to say is please try not to be so angry with others.

    Please keep posting and everyone here will help you the best they can.

    My thoughts are with you at this sad time in your life.

    Take Care
    Clare
     
  5. cariad

    cariad Registered User

    Sep 29, 2007
    89
    Hi, so sorry to hear about your mum passing and on Christmas Eve too. Anger is perfectly natural. I often want to lash out! You have to channel that anger so that it doesn't eat away at you (brisk walking, boxercise, kneading bread, banging a drum, screaming into a pillow /whatever works for you).

    I know what you mean about horrible images and flashbacks. I am on this site as a carer for my Mam, but in August I walked into my parents home to a horrific scene in which my lovely Dad was being worked on by 3 paramedics. I won't go into details but the scene continues to haunt me. But I have a strategy. Whenever I get this flashback I replace the horrible images with ones of him handsome and smiling (physically replace or if at night, mentally replace). I personally believe that we can choose to block or accept thoughts. I am sure that in time you too will remember your Mum, the way that she was before gripped by the illnesss.

    Please know that there is always someone on this site to offer support (day or night). Sending you some virtual strength, love cariad
     
  6. mrsspooky

    mrsspooky Registered User

    Jan 3, 2008
    6
    Brussels
    Thank you all for your sympathy and replies.

    I guess I'm close to a nervous breakdown because it has been such a stressful and emotional year, with huge ups and downs. Beginning of 2007 we managed to get mum into the retirements home, which was a huge relief for us cause we couldn't cope anymore and we know she would be proparly looked after in there. Then my youngest son was kicked out of the place where he lived and had to move back into with us, at the moment he had no time at all since he was a finalist in Pop idol 2007 (in Belgium, not in the UK) and he had no income at all since he had to quit his job for that stupid show. Then a good friend of us, from the cricket club, died, 2 weeks before his marriage. Then my cat died, then a friends mother died, then my best friends mother died and then finally, my mum died. It's all been a bit too much.

    Some positive memories : I told my mum about her grandson being on tele and I gave her a flyer we had made for a promotion campagne, and she kept on showing it to everybody in the retirements home, over and over again, clearly very proud. And then she started telling everybody about when she was young, and she was drummer in a band (together with my father) and how she used to have to carry the drum kit on her back, on a bike, whenever they had a gig (this was just after world war II). I never grew tired of hearing those stories. This was around March 2007. Amazing how quickly she went downhill, later in the year.

    I know that in time I will only remember the good times, the good memories.

    Ps. sorry if the English isn't always perfect. English is not my mother tongue
     
  7. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    You have obviously been through a great deal in a short space of time. I felt quite hard done by in 2004 when my Mum's dementia was worsening, my son was diagnosed with type one diabetes and then my dad died suddenly - on my birthday and while I was away for the weekend! My Mum had to go into residential care as soon as my Dad died and it was a very difficult time.

    You are obviously grieving and in the early stages of your grief. Anger is a natural part of that grief and it will abate in time. I am sure you will be helped by being on TP as there are some great people, many of whom have sadly also lost their loved ones or are living with the knowledge that their loved ones are very ill.

    There is no need to apologise for your English. It looks tres bien to me - not sure about the reference to a woman with pms though! :eek:
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I think its when you don't express your feelings with someone about what your feeling about your grief , block it all out lock it all in , Just carrying on like normal that you end up having a mental breakdown .

    My relationship of 18 years finish in December 02 , then my father died in Jan 02 I use to cry and wonder what I was crying about so stop crying just carried on as normal being the strong one for everyone, while they told me my mother had AZ also my older daughter had epilepsy , then found out mum brother had AZ then he passes away , then my dad brother in law dies , my father 2 brother , then my mother sister all in a space of 4 years . so now all my family on my father side is dead also on my mother side , so all I have left is my mother , my brother 4 children .



    I channeled all my emotion into drink for a few years , to block it all out and carry on . drop all exercise , put a lot of wight , oh well I am now learning from my unhealthy past negative emotion , but then I tell myself we all different in how we travel alone are journey of grief . no one prepares you from child hood in schools about grief .

    I did crash mentally in 05 , then could not stop crying . all that is different from how I am now . to how I was before is that I cant take on a lot of stress like I use to , while my father was alive .
     
  9. mrsspooky

    mrsspooky Registered User

    Jan 3, 2008
    6
    Brussels
    I feel so embarrased now. Other people are so much worse of than me. Noelphobic, I can not even begin to imagine what it must feel like knowing your child has diabetis. Margarita, you have a child with epilepsy. I am so sorry guys. I would totally freak out knowing there was something wrong with my kids. After all, my mother was 79. She's had a full life. Thank you for this gentle kick in the ass.

    I must admit I feel a lot better today, but that is because I had a 'natural healing' treatment yesterday evening. Some people might call it bull****, but I totally believe in it. All my blocked energy points have been unblocked and I feel totally relaxed now. I know there are other people on this forum who are currently going through a very rough time, and I will try to suggest they get this sort of help as well.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    mrsspooky, there`s no need for embarrassment.

    There`s no point comparing grief, and the challenges we have to face in life. We all have our share and manage it as well as we can.

    It`s really good that you have found a medium that helps relieve your distress and I`m so glad you are feeling better.
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Mrsspooky

    Please don't be embarrassed, and please don't regard the posts as a 'kick in the ass'. That's really not what we're about here.

    If people tell you their own experiences, it's just to show that we all understand what you are going through.

    You've had a terrible year, and it's no wonder you're feeling so low. The loss of your mum is so recent, and raw grief is so hard to bear.

    I'm glad you've found a healing process that works for you. Anything that works is fine by me. Keep posting here, whenever you want to, we want to know that you're OK.

    And your English is fine, by the way!:)

    Love,
     
  12. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool

    There is no need for embarrassment and no kick in the ass was intended at all! Yes, it does stink knowing that my son has a very serious and incurable disease - and you don't realise how serious it is unless and until someone you love is affected by it. However, there are also lots of people worse off than me and my son copes with it so well that I am really proud of him. I'd rather be proud of him without the diabetes, but there is always the chance that science will develop a cure, if not in my lifetime then hopefully in his.

    I do rationalise my mother's dementia by thinking of the fact that she enjoyed reasonable health until she was in her seventies. I would find it so much harder to come to terms with had she been affected at a younger age and I really feel for people in that position and their loved ones. However, it is hard to see anyone ravaged by dementia, whatever their age. :(
     
  13. debby13

    debby13 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    41
    Hi all

    I read all these stories with such a heavy heart, I just can't believe all the suffering that is going on. It makes feel like losing faith and asking "whats the point"? As you will know if you read by post on crossing over my Dad died on the 17th December, whilst we were all focusing on him and our pain my partners mum went in for a routine hernia operation. She died the day before Dads funeral from "compliations" and an infection in ISC.....my guilt of not having time for her and not speaking to her before she went in weighs heavily on me. Trouble is I have 2 year old twins and spend my life rushing through it and not giving people the time. The last time I spoke to her she was telling me about the outfits she bought the twins for Christmas and I was just too busy to talk to her. In my head I was thinking Ive got to get the tree up and I want to do this and that etc etc. My saddest regret is that the last conversation I had with her was pretty uncaring from me. Its all so horrible and if anything is going to change I am going to try and not rush through everything I do. Anyway having my grief for my Dad my grief for my partners Mum (mad thing is she was the real rock for me when Dad went downhill) and my partners grief it feels like a very heavy weight is pressing down on me. I would be interested in finding out more about this healing treatment (I do believe in all of that!).

    Anyway my fellow sufferers we will all get through this but I truly believe that facing the pain and grief head on is the only way.

    My love to you all xxx
     
  14. mocha

    mocha Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    176
    Lancs, England
    Healing

    Hi,
    I wonder if the Healing treatment that mrsspooky talks about is Reika?
    I have just finished my 2nd Degree in Reiki and will be getting my certificate on the 21st Jan.
    It is a method of healing both for oneself and others. Once you have the second degree you are able to do distance healing so I am able to send it to the Nursing Home where my husband is as well as it making me more relaxed and happy.
    It would be nice to know of other TP healers.

    It's worth a go.

    Love Aileen
     
  15. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Just want you to know that I'm so sorry you have had such heavy burdens lately. And send you my deepest condolences over the loss of your beloved mother. Sometimes after a very stressful period we find it almost impossible to go on. I think this is because of the super-human effort you have already put in. So please, allow yourself to feel what you do, and feel no embarrassment or shame about it.

    As a teacher, I tell the people I teach that emotions themselves are never "wrong" - it is what you do (your behaviour) that can be right or wrong. So please "go with the flow" and let yourself heal in your own time.

    I think its when you don't express your feelings with someone about what your feeling about your grief , block it all out lock it all in , Just carrying on like normal that you end up having a mental breakdown . I think this quote of Maggie's is so true.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.