• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Angry

LoulouB

New member
Mar 24, 2022
2
0
Hi
I am looking for some advice please. I spend a lot of time with my mum who has Alzheimer’s, she so fine with me as long as I agree with everything she says, but if I don’t she gets very angry/snappy with me and it’s really hard. I try not to ever disagree but when she’s criticising me or my parenting etc it I very hard not to respond. She even admits she’s very hard on me.
Help??
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
67,136
0
71
Dundee
Hi there. I’m sorry you’re having these problems. I know how hard it can be.

I wondered if you would find this thread helpful -

 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
Hi
I am looking for some advice please. I spend a lot of time with my mum who has Alzheimer’s, she so fine with me as long as I agree with everything she says, but if I don’t she gets very angry/snappy with me and it’s really hard. I try not to ever disagree but when she’s criticising me or my parenting etc it I very hard not to respond. She even admits she’s very hard on me.
Help??
I know a lot of people will tell you to avoid arguing, because it's best to keep dementia patients calm so they don't act out. However, my 91 year old Mum and I get into it frequently, and so far, not much harm done, if any. Mum gets paranoid and snappish at me, calls me names or tells me to shut up because she doesn't want to hear my advice. She wants to wallow in her fears instead.

For example, the other day, she became hysterical over the idea that Dad's sisters might have him exhumed from the family graveyard and reburied in a different cemetery without her permission. I told Mum first that no, I would not shut up and second, she was babbling nonsense. Then I quoted several legal documents at her from the internet regarding the laws re. exhumation. And Mum calmed down. Not a peep out of her today about the "evil" aunts and their supposed plot to steal Dad away from Mum.

If Mum gets argumentative, I tend to give back as good as I get, instead of caving in and saying "yes, Mum" to ranting and raving. If Mum is babbling paranoid nonsense, I tell her so. I'm getting respect from her for responding in this way too. We've even ended up by laughing and teasing each other.
 

Sue741215

Registered User
Oct 18, 2019
100
0
That is interesting Katykat - it seems to go against most advice but seems to work for you and your mum. I can see that if it does work in a way it is respecting your mum's ability to take in your 'advice' and may be good for her in challenging her to think about her anxieties. My tendency would be to go along with what she says and soothe/distract but I am going to try to remember your success when I have to deal with similar problems - not yet thankfully. So thank you for telling us about your approach.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
That is interesting Katykat - it seems to go against most advice but seems to work for you and your mum. I can see that if it does work in a way it is respecting your mum's ability to take in your 'advice' and may be good for her in challenging her to think about her anxieties. My tendency would be to go along with what she says and soothe/distract but I am going to try to remember your success when I have to deal with similar problems - not yet thankfully. So thank you for telling us about your approach.
Admittedly, what I'm doing with my Mum is experimental. I can't say that I unreservedly recommend it to just anyone. It all depends on the dementia patient and how far the disease has advanced, I suppose.

It's just a feeling I have that, in the case of my Mum, it's in her best interest (and mine too) to not give up on her mind, but keep it as active as possible. I've encouraged her to watch tv, read, play the piano and do puzzles. However, so far, she's not responding very well to those formerly favorite activities. Challenging her to think about her fears and find logical solutions to problems seems to be working better than crossword puzzles -- at least for now...
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
424
0
Admittedly, what I'm doing with my Mum is experimental. I can't say that I unreservedly recommend it to just anyone. It all depends on the dementia patient and how far the disease has advanced, I suppose.
My mum was much happier when I agreed with her, but like you there were times when I had to disagree. Sometimes she just needed reassurance (the neighbours are stealing her electricity or getting into her flat through the loft, for example. I couldn’t let her go on thinking that). I found that agreeing with her about lots of little things made her feel like she wasn’t “always in the wrong”. Pick your battles.

Everyone’s different. You have to do what works for you and your mum.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
My mum was much happier when I agreed with her, but like you there were times when I had to disagree. Sometimes she just needed reassurance (the neighbours are stealing her electricity or getting into her flat through the loft, for example. I couldn’t let her go on thinking that). I found that agreeing with her about lots of little things made her feel like she wasn’t “always in the wrong”. Pick your battles.

Everyone’s different. You have to do what works for you and your mum.
Exactly. There are times when I need to contradict Mum in order to reassure her that she's safe. I am definitely picking my battles these days.
 

Janeytee

New member
Jun 23, 2022
2
0
Hi
I am looking for some advice please. I spend a lot of time with my mum who has Alzheimer’s, she so fine with me as long as I agree with everything she says, but if I don’t she gets very angry/snappy with me and it’s really hard. I try not to ever disagree but when she’s criticising me or my parenting etc it I very hard not to respond. She even admits she’s very hard on me.
Help??
I have a very similar problem. Mum gets angry with me whether we agree or not, she's also constantly saying how depressed she is and that she wants to drop dead. I've seen her get angry with one other person and the manager where she lives says she can be grumpy sometimes. She's already on anti depressants. We're not close either which doesn't help and I'm not patient or at least I am up to a point. My dad died in 2010.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
3,393
0
High Peak
I agree - it very much depends on the personality of the person with dementia and on your relationship with them.

I used the 'Don't be ridiculous' method quite a lot with my mum and it (mostly) worked. E.g. 'No, I haven't stolen your house and run off with all your money! If I had, I'd be sitting on a beach in Acapulco right now, not here listening to your nonsense!'

I should add that mum would get angry about stuff but never upset. I also got very good at lying and as good at making things up as she was :)
 

T1000

Registered User
Feb 3, 2022
129
0
I agree - it very much depends on the personality of the person with dementia and on your relationship with them.

I used the 'Don't be ridiculous' method quite a lot with my mum and it (mostly) worked. E.g. 'No, I haven't stolen your house and run off with all your money! If I had, I'd be sitting on a beach in Acapulco right now, not here listening to your nonsense!'

I should add that mum would get angry about stuff but never upset. I also got very good at lying and as good at making things up as she was :)
@Jaded'n'faded lol at Acapulco ha
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
12,930
0
Merseyside
I have a very similar problem. Mum gets angry with me whether we agree or not, she's also constantly saying how depressed she is and that she wants to drop dead. I've seen her get angry with one other person and the manager where she lives says she can be grumpy sometimes. She's already on anti depressants. We're not close either which doesn't help and I'm not patient or at least I am up to a point. My dad died in 2010.
Welcome to TP @Janeytee
 

try again

Registered User
Jun 21, 2018
504
0
When mum gets annoyed at me, I ask her to calm down and if she doesn't I leave.
She has carers to look after her physical needs and I no longer want the emotional distress.
 

Janeytee

New member
Jun 23, 2022
2
0
When mum gets annoyed at me, I ask her to calm down and if she doesn't I leave.
She has carers to look after her physical needs and I no longer want the emotional distress.
I have tried that, but probably after the point we've both gotten too angry. I'll try it before that point. Mum doesn't need carers yet fortunately and has her lunch time meal cooked for her 5 times a week. The rest of her diet leaves a lot to be desired though.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
154
0
Hi

My sister sometimes applies the same method. A quick short visit . Given that though they have still got angry with each. I am further away so don't have the option of a nip in visit lol. I used to work in special needs education so my patience level is remarkable still pretty long and enduring, I more get upset on the way home, I feels like sometimes you have been emotionally squashed lol. Dad has fixations , one of which is next door messing with his hedge so when I had a text the other day about cutting the hedge which by the way was cut a week ago lol I didn't reply . I shall be saying that the hedge cutter is on charge but hopefully the change in weather will favour me lol. If you have the option for quick, short visits less regularly then try that way, if it still happens you could try distraction sometimes I drop lucky with that or you can say something like making a cup of tea/coffee go in the kitchen or garden and rant to yourself lol I have also done that as well . The restraints on not saying things to hurt someone else's feelings go, like my Dad told me my hair was greasy which to be fair might not seem like a big deal but you just would not say it would you? lol I just replied yes it can be Dad it is the weather but inside my head I was thinking someone else believe me 🤣