1. Quartz

    Quartz Registered User

    Jul 17, 2008
    Hi everybody,
    just need a quick rant.
    my Mother has mixed dementia and is 88. My 15 year old son,husband and myself live under the same roof and it is hell.
    Every day I just wish she would die because my life would be so much easier.
    She was always a controlling manipulative woman, who had a knack of getting her own way, and has always used emotional blackmail on me, which does not work with my menfolk, which gives rise to huge tensions.She hates them and they hate her, and I am stuck in the middle.
    I work full time and she goes to day care 2 days a week. But I loath living with her, dread hearing her voice, resent her intrusion on my life, which is really busy and creative, and do not want to have to be her prime carer. Unfortunately we live in her house and can not afford to move anywhere else owing to crippling debt. My brother in the UK does nothing because she has always been hurtful and distant to him and her granddaughters who she never really acknowledged.
    I am 46 and feel my time being stolen from me by her. I can not get away - respite is too expensive, and frankly once I escape I dread coming back again.
    This woman has haunted me all my life and still refuses to let go and I am so angry with her.
    I try and do my best as a "caring" daughter, but honestly, as I said, I just can't wait until she dies, but she will probably hold on as long as possible just to spite me. I am impatient, shout at her, do not want to communicate, all in all I am sick of it. And she is only entering mid term and god only knows how I will cope as she deteriorates further.

    There is so little support and often part time which I can not access working full time. I feel utterly trapped and hemmed in and am just waiting for my life to begin again.
    OK rant over, now I just feel wicked and selfish, but I don't care.
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Quartz

    I appreciate how you feel, and what you say is valid of course.

    Now imagine what it is like for your mother. She isn't doing it on purpose, it is the mixed dementia that has stolen her life.

    That's not going to help your situation of course, but whenever I feel bad about my own situation, I try - try being the word, because it is unimaginable - to see things from my wife's viewpoint - my Jan also has mixed dementia.

    Rant away, but I'd be blaming the dementia if I were you.:)
  3. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    Suffice to say - you are not alone in your feelings.

    Some days I find myself wishing that my dad had not had a life-saving operation some years ago, because without it he would have passed away (probably suddenly, and peacefuly, due to the condition) before his dementia developed and spared myself, mum and himself a lot of pain and grief.

    And then of course, the good old guilt monster goes into action!
  4. Ditto

    Ditto Registered User

    May 17, 2008
    Cape Town
    I feel so flipping sorry for you Quartz

    I am so sorry for eveything that you are going through.

    Dementia is not easy for anyone to deal with with and as I've tried to point out many times, it is especially not easy when the personality you are caring for was not a particularly pleasant one before Dementia set in.

    People talk of Dementia's changing a personality completely...ie from good to bad. I do not agree! I firmly believe that Dementia merely takes the very worst of human nature and multiplies. Therefore, if the person in question has a generally unpleasant personality, then its going to be far far worse than with a person who was generally a sweety pie.

    Don't get me wrong, I think everyone has a tough time as Dementia carers. Just read some of the posts. I'm just giving a personal opinion based on my own experiences, thoughts and feelings.

    Take care, get some help and look after yourself.

  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Quartz

    Nice to see such honesty! :) Wicked and selfish thoughts? - had zillions .... and probably many others here too .... in fact - there's quite a 'crowd' of 'adult children' here who have found themselves caring for parents who have been, shall we say, less than 'ideal' even pre-dementia ..... emotional blackmailers included! ;)

    Whether dementia exacerbates or inhibits previous behaviours .... who cares? Fact is we have to deal with it .... and the wicked thoughts and the subsequent guilt for the wicked thoughts ... and trying to get on with life (whatever that means) and so it goes on ......

    I've already documented here (ages ago) how mum's dementia actually improved our relationship .... something about the 'shift' in vulnerability, perhaps????? Who knows, perhaps that may happen ... if not, you need to find some coping strategies before you and your own own family crumbles under the strain....

    I'm sure if you could share some more of the 'practical' situation, people will be along with ideas of where to get support ... in the meantime .... huge empathy and sympathy .....

    Love, Karen, x
  6. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    Quote :This woman has haunted me all my life and still refuses to let go and I am so angry with her.
    I try and do my best as a "caring" daughter, but honestly, as I said, I just can't wait until she dies, but she will probably hold on as long as possible just to spite me. I am impatient, shout at her, do not want to communicate, all in all I am sick of it. And she is only entering mid term and god only knows how I will cope as she deteriorates further. End Quote:

    Do you mean what you have said ?
    Barb X
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Sorry to interject before Quartz has had chance - but Barb - do you realise how many children even from the most abusive pasts remain loyal to their parents? It is something never ceases to amaze me ... yet I vaguely understand it ...... :eek: ... and the conflicting emotions of love/hate which - much as dementia may pronounce issues for the sufferer - it can also raise issues for their carers too which otherwise may have remained 'best buried' but are forced to be confronted because of the onus of 'care' ....

    Karen, x
  8. rose_of_york

    rose_of_york Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008
    As another daughter of a controlling, manipulative mother I can empathise totally with Quartz. I too feel trapped and often angry as my mother still seems to be controlling me even though she is 87 and I am in my 50s. You will find that there is a considerable lack-of-sympathy on here for those who are not sufficiently devoted or who express anger at how difficult their life is being made. However, ignore it for there are may of us who understand completely the love/hate anger/care emotions that you go through at times.

  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005

    Before this thread gets into a tailspin (as has happened before) -

    We are not here to judge anyone else's feelings or attitudes; we have no right, nor the background information even if we did.

    We always say "Feel free to let off steam & have a rant" - I haven't seen that principle qualified with "so long as it's in agreement with how I feel" by anyone, and hope I never do.

    Quartz feels how she feels. She's sure as hell not enjoying it or recommending it for anyone else.
    No one else is in HER precise circumstances. My granny used to tell me "If you can't say something useful, don't say anything at all". It still sounds like good sense to me.
  10. mica123

    mica123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2008
    you don't really hate you mum,you hate yourself because your finding it hard to cope.be grateful of the fact that you have a roof over your head,courtesy of mum.Give a little back,parents are those who gave us life,av a heart and try to get your head around A/Z,join a local society perhaps and then you may see that others are in the same boat,perhaps feeling like you are.
  11. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I don't think any of us can say for sure how someone feels about another person. As Karen said, it's remarkable just how many people do love parents who are, at the very least, flawed, but Quartz feels as Quartz feels and I for one will support her right to say it (even though this was not reflective of my own parental relationship). Parents may well have given us life, but for at least some of us, this was not a gift without strings. Further, I do feel that if it comes down to one's own health then caring (in a practical 24/7 sense) may be something that has to stop. My mother frequently said to me: "Darling, you do have a life other than this (i.e. caring) don't you?" and I wasn't doing it full time by any means.

    I expect Quartz wishes she didn't feel the way she does because it sounds awful, but I doubt telling her not to, or that she doesn't really feel that way is going to be much help to her.
  12. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    HI Quartz
    Wow, hope you feel better for getting that off your chest. Don't even try to apologise for feel wicked and selfish, there is a lot of others who feel the way you do.

    I can relate to some of what you say with my dad. I have felt many a time that I just wish he would die but then I feel so guilty about feeling that way. My dad is aggressive and it has taken a lot of support from my own GP, the Alzheimers Society and various forms of counselling for me to manage how I feel on a day to day basis. I am on antidepressants, have panick attacks, and have in general bad health after 3 years of looking after both dad and mum.

    You say there is little support, but have you contacted your local AZ to see what is available to you? Surely there must be something out there for you. Also if you really need to talk, then I would strongly recommend the Samaritans, but do talk to your local AZ first as they have a wealth of experience.

    You know you need help, so now is the time to get it.
    Love AndreaX
  13. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    Hi Quartz,

    You say your brother lives in the UK ...do you live in UK as well? My reason for asking is that although we have members who live in other countries the majority of us are in the UK and our experience of caring relates to where we live.

    We all have our occasional Rant so feel free to have yours.

  14. Quartz

    Quartz Registered User

    Jul 17, 2008
    Thanks for listening

    Thanks to all of you for responding. It is nice to know I am not alone. I think half the problem is that I have always been
    seen as the strong, coping capable type, and as such do not have a culture of asking anyone for help.
    I would so dearly like to be able to see Mum a few times a week for a cup of tea and a chat, rather than having her bleat up the stairs at me all the time. I might actually enjoy her company rather than dread it.
    I teach in an FE college and after dealing with bright questioning students all day, going back home is agony. The endless repetition is like water torture.On my days off or holidays I am fair game - she will not leave me alone, and if I spend time with her she takes it as open season and wants my attention all the time. If my husband is home she does not bother him, but the minute I am here......

    I am also really worried about what will happen as she gets worse and I am in full time work. We were away for the day at the weekend and although I had left food for her, she had tried and failed to switch the oven on to cook a pizza, which was just as well because she had left the pizza in its plastic wrapper.

    I have had very little support and although I have tried to contact the AS support worker we only ever leave messages on each others phones. There are local respite agencies but they are again only answer phones. The doctor works on the basis of no news is good news. Getting mum to take medication is a nightmare and I am not here to supervise lunchtime tablets or drive her to hospital appointments.
    I suppose basically I feel that I am coping almost entirely on my own - apart from 2 days of day care a week, which although good for her just complicates matters as she stands at the door every day complaining they have forgotten to pick her up, and she seems to pick up regular stomach bugs which I have to mop up after.

    I do not want to be a carer, I just want my own small family back and functioning, and able to eat together around a table. My son refuses to sit at a table with her because she fires off really snidey comments and stares at him. (this she has always done - she has always loathed him because he took my attention away from her)
    Sorry I keep going off on these emotional tangents, I am trying to give an overview of our living scenario.
    Anyway, maybe I need to try the AS person again as I am now on holiday.

    thanks for listening
  15. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    Hi Quartz
    So pleased you realise that you are not so alone. TP is a wonderful site to offload.
    You say you are now on holiday, and mum has 2 days a week day care. Is it possible for you to make enquiries about what is available on those two days whilst mum is not there? If you leave a message on the alzheimers answerphone someone will certainly get back to you, and you could always ask them to ring when you are on your own.
    Also contact them via the website, that is what I did in the first instance.
    You say that no news is good news for your mums doctor, but is he aware of the current living situation? Have you talked to him about the problems, and is he aware that you do not wish to be your mums full time carer. Surely this needs addressing asap. Just because you live with your mum does not make you her full time carer but you need to speak openly about it with people who can help.
    Please get some help.
    Love AndreaX
  16. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    Hello Quartz,

    I have no words of wisdom for you..

    Just wanted to say what a terrible situation you find yourself in...

    And it does sound as though mum should not be left alone for her own safety...it's worth exploring the idea of more support..

    Wishing you well..

    love gigi xx
  17. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Oh Quartz, working in education must be one of the least flexible of roles for any carer ....... if only needs and appointments fit around scheduled holidays? (And it's Sod's Law they don't, of course) .... you must be concerned for your son too on the emotional impact on him in such important years educationally ...

    Is there space and scope to introduce some 'boundary setting' and 'personal space' for you and your family to have the time and space you need together?

    Otherwise, all I can think of right now is speaking to your own GP and social services ..... (as a 'public employee' do you have any support sources like 'Employee Assistance', LA or other source who might be able to guide and assist you?)

    Karen, x
  18. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Quartz,
    I can understand the way that you feel but it is time to take some action to try and make your life a little easier.
    I would suggest that you go and see your GP and lay it on the line ,just how you feel.
    You are entitled to a community assessment by social services and the GP can alert them,but you can contact them your self.
    There is help available and you need it
  19. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    Dear Norman

    Help available

    Ron and I saw his Teapot in January, once in, february. That is it:mad: Phone call's in between, whicj were made by me.
    If they think you are doing OK, then they leave you alone.
    I am 23 year's younger than Ron. So I can cope. :rolleyes:
    And that is that:mad:

    Barb XX
  20. Chrissyan

    Chrissyan Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    N E England
    Sorry to hear your life is so difficult Quartz.

    If your Mum has capital & will not qualify for respite care, do you not have Power of Attorney to spend some of her money on it?

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