Angry outbursts

[Oscar50]

hello all. My 84 yr old mother has dementia diagnosed approx 6 yrs ago, been lucky slow decline but much more rapid of late. My amazing 87 yr old dad is main carer. I am daughter and also support there is only me and dad.

Over past month or so mums mood swings have varied greatly. UTI treated initially sadly verbally aggressive outbursts continue UTI cleared up. This evening at meal I cook each Thursday dad and I were talking across table. Mum suddenly shouted you just carry on don’t worry about me, I am in way why don’t you just get rid of me. talking all time I want to go.

I have noticed lately mum does not join in cannot follow conversations and I can see she is getting angry when we chat yet we are only talking about weather etc. We try to include. Poor dad so wants a conversation about normal things. This is getting harder. Dads problem he can’t cope with mums upset her turning away from us. He tries to pacify, take her hand, she pushes him away shouting leave me alone, get away. I told him to just leave mum alone as this is what she was requesting. He makes her so much worse trying to pacify rather than giving her space. I feel angry then sad and have to remember not mum but illness. Do others experience this. How do we deal with if so. I also feel so sad for dad.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Oscar50 you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

It is possible that your mum is experiencing anxiety and depression. These are common bedfellows of dementia and my own wife is treated for these conditions as well as her dementia. I recognise some of what your mum says in my own wife. A chat with the GP may help you all.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to the forums Oscar50. Sorry your dad is struggling so much to deal with communication and confusion. My OH struggles to follow conversations and television shows, I think it is part of the decline. There is a thread on communication which will give you some tips and guidance, which should help you and your dad, at https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
I hope that and the links Pete has posted are of use.

 

[hillyjay]

I can’t offer much help but just want to say that I know what your dad and yourself are going through. My husband - who was always a quiet, calm person - can lose his temper over the slightest thing and can be verbally aggressive towards me. It’s also unpredictable and I never know of what I’ve said or done will be met with a ‘normal’ reaction or if he’ll become furious. On occasions I’ve snapped at him, ‘don’t you speak to me like that’ which seems to take the wind from his sails but generally I turn round and walk out of the room. (and often then cry upstairs).

I think that perhaps, like me, your Dad still expects her to react as usual to him and when she doesn’t it hits him hard.