Anger and frustration due to dementia

[Richyboy]

Hi, I'm looking for ideas, suggestions or/and support. My mother has dementia (I don't know her actual diagnosis) and until July of this year, when my father died, he was her main carer. It is only actually now, when dad is gone, that I'm finding out how advanced mum's dementia actually is. Mum and dad were very active and sociable and dad used to cover very much for mum's limitations. Now with dad gone, mum is lost and exposed. She wants to drive her car, but can't, she wants to go on holiday with her friends, but they can't take responsibility for her.

She has started drinking too much, a bottle of wine every 2 days, she gets very angry, particularly as it gets late and she's had a drink. She lives in her own home with 24hr care, but the carer is unable to control her alcohol consumption.

Mum has always been very independent and hates having to rely on a carer. I think she feels embarrassed about having a carer.

Any suggestions? How do I convince mum that she mustn't drive, that she can't go on holiday?

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

Can I ask where she gets the alcohol from?

 

[curtainsgalore]

Has the DVLA been informed that your mother can't drive any more. We were in this situation and my Mums doctor said mum couldn't drive as her dementia got worse and he contacted DVLA. We then took Mum's car away from her drive as even without the keys she tried to break into it with a knife!
On holidays, is there any way you or a family member could take her away for a weekend and see how she does. Then you'll know that it's the time for holidays to stop. Some people on talking point have relatives that still go on long haul holidays with dementia as strange as that sounds.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[canary]

Hi Richyboy
You will probably never be able to convince her not to try and drive her car. If she cant drive its probably best to get rid of it - or at least hide it somewhere else so she cant see it.
Does she buy the drink herself? Could you have a word with the shop where she is buying it? If someone is buying it for her, could you have a word with them?

 

[Witzend]

When my mother started hitting the sherry bottle hard, my brother began to water it down, though not by too much - maybe a quarter. However this was easy for him since she never went out and he did most of her shopping.
I don't know whether this would be feasible for you.

 

[Richyboy]

Welcome to TP

Can I ask where she gets the alcohol from?

She buys it herself, when she goes shopping with the carer, now that she has finished off the wine my father had bought. He was a member of the wine society, so had bought various bottles over the years.

 

[Richyboy]

Hi Richyboy
You will probably never be able to convince her not to try and drive her car. If she cant drive its probably best to get rid of it - or at least hide it somewhere else so she cant see it.
Does she buy the drink herself? Could you have a word with the shop where she is buying it? If someone is buying it for her, could you have a word with them?

Yes, I think you are right and usually I keep the car at my house, away from mum, but then of course she gets angry and tells me to bring it back. I don't know whether to tell her the truth, i.e. you are not allowed to drive, explain why, which I have tried but always get the same response. She tells me that "of course I can drive" and "I want to drive". Living in London I point out the fact there are lots of buses, she can call a cab etc, which she grumbles about.
Re the alcohol. she buys it herself, when shopping with the carer. The carer is not strong enough to stop her.

 

[Cat27]

Do you have power of attorney? If do could you limit her money to stop the amount of alcohol she buys?

 

[Richyboy]

Do you have power of attorney? If do could you limit her money to stop the amount of alcohol she buys?

Yes, I have POA. Not sure if I can limit money, something to look into

 

[Sue J]

Yes, I think you are right and usually I keep the car at my house, away from mum, but then of course she gets angry and tells me to bring it back. I don't know whether to tell her the truth, i.e. you are not allowed to drive, explain why, which I have tried but always get the same response. She tells me that "of course I can drive" and "I want to drive". Living in London I point out the fact there are lots of buses, she can call a cab etc, which she grumbles about.
Re the alcohol. she buys it herself, when shopping with the carer. The carer is not strong enough to stop her.

Hi Richyboy

Does the carer try to stop her though? She could say you have got a bottle at home and produce a watered down version maybe on return from shopping trip?
Just a suggestion

Best wishes
Sue

Just reread your post and July is not really that long since you have both been bereaved. Your Mum must be still adjusting to the loss of your father and perhaps still thinking he is here and drinking wine , something they enjoyed together is perhaps part of her grief process. With Christmas coming too it must be very hard for her and you.

 

[Cat27]

Yes, I have POA. Not sure if I can limit money, something to look into

Anything is worth a try.

 

[Emac]

Sounds like your Mum is a strong willed lady, a bit like mine! We had to trick her when it came to alcohol, first with watered down very weak measure and then with just running a finger of spirit round the top of the glass so she thought she had bacardi when it was really only coke. Over time the trickery got easier and now she doesn't drink at all or even ask for it. Strongly opposing just means a fight. Clever handling is the way forward. Perhaps you need a carer (who might be called a housekeeper or a companion if your Mum is embarrassed by the carer tag) with dementia experience who will be more adept at managing her? I liked the suggestion of telling her she had a bottle at home.
Re the driving I would absolutely involve the GP. Sometimes having an authority figure say she mustn't drive due to medical conditions is acceptable where the same message from her son will be ignored. If that fails could you say it's at the garage for repairs when she asks you to bring it back? Hope you have some success with the TP folk's suggestions.

 

[canary]

Yes, I think you are right and usually I keep the car at my house, away from mum, but then of course she gets angry and tells me to bring it back. I don't know whether to tell her the truth, i.e. you are not allowed to drive, explain why, which I have tried but always get the same response. She tells me that "of course I can drive" and "I want to drive". Living in London I point out the fact there are lots of buses, she can call a cab etc, which she grumbles about.
Re the alcohol. she buys it herself, when shopping with the carer. The carer is not strong enough to stop her.

Im assuming from this that she has been told that she is not allowed to drive (not just by you), but she is still driving. If this is so, then she wont have a valid driving license and also her car insurance wont be valid. It doesnt bear thinking about in London..... Especially if shes also drinking
Move the car and tell her its having its MOT ..... its failed its MOT .... its being repaired. Its no use trying to argue and/or reason with her - she will not understand and even if you get her to agree she wont remember.
Tough love maybe.

 

[pippop1]

Grape juice, both white and red, are the same colours as wine and she may not notice if they are in wine bottles? Let her buy the odd bottle of wine with the carer and the carer can substitute the contents.