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And yet i am still here

Norrms

Registered User
Feb 19, 2009
5,365
Torquay Devon
AND YET I AM STILL HERE
I am here, yet i am not,
I have been somewhere, yet only part of me has come back,
Frustration runs through my blood , where calmness used to be,
People say you are doing very well, so kind and appreciated, and yet, deep inside i weep, knowing my time is limited
On the outside, showing the world the smile,
Yet on the inside, raging and curled with fear of whats to come,
Dreading the late afternoon when confusion reigns,
Deeply fearing each and every night when the demons come to visit with relentless repetitiveness
Seeing things that you cannot see, or i would ever want you to see, or any other human being for that matter, the screams, the horrific visions that play out in front of my very eyes even though my eyes are sometimes closed
Wondering, worrying how long one persons brain can take such torment until they break completly.
Knowing one day i will go away and never come back, trapped in dementia`s tormentous world.
Sometimes People only see what they want to see, i see many things i dont want to see,
On good days i sit here and write, mornings are my best time, yet on others i despair, head in hands not understanding what is going on around me
It comes at me in waves but with no warning, slamming into me until all around me is misty and foggy, seeing only grotesque shapes all around me,
Yet i am still here?
Yet i am still me?
I dont feel like me sometimes, i question all i say and do, my days are filled with uncertainty and dread
Yet here i am, apparently?
i am still here, i am still fighting
Norrms , 5th June 2020
plz share or copy and paste
 

MrsGriff

Registered User
Mar 2, 2019
14
So eloquent and beautifully put.
Helps me understand so much more about how my poor mum feels.
Stay strong Norms xx
 

fireflame

New member
Nov 3, 2017
7
AND YET I AM STILL HERE
I am here, yet i am not,
I have been somewhere, yet only part of me has come back,
Frustration runs through my blood , where calmness used to be,
People say you are doing very well, so kind and appreciated, and yet, deep inside i weep, knowing my time is limited
On the outside, showing the world the smile,
Yet on the inside, raging and curled with fear of whats to come,
Dreading the late afternoon when confusion reigns,
Deeply fearing each and every night when the demons come to visit with relentless repetitiveness
Seeing things that you cannot see, or i would ever want you to see, or any other human being for that matter, the screams, the horrific visions that play out in front of my very eyes even though my eyes are sometimes closed
Wondering, worrying how long one persons brain can take such torment until they break completly.
Knowing one day i will go away and never come back, trapped in dementia`s tormentous world.
Sometimes People only see what they want to see, i see many things i dont want to see,
On good days i sit here and write, mornings are my best time, yet on others i despair, head in hands not understanding what is going on around me
It comes at me in waves but with no warning, slamming into me until all around me is misty and foggy, seeing only grotesque shapes all around me,
Yet i am still here?
Yet i am still me?
I dont feel like me sometimes, i question all i say and do, my days are filled with uncertainty and dread
Yet here i am, apparently?
i am still here, i am still fighting
Norrms , 5th June 2020
plz share or copy and paste
Since reading this marvellous piece yesterday I have been trying to decide whether to reply and what on earth to say. My mother died with alzheimers two years ago and if she went through only half of what you are experiencing it still makes me want to weep.I don't think she understood what was happening to her the way you do and for that I am grateful.But she kept a diary almost to the end and it was full of sadness and confusion and fear.Thank you for posting your thoughts and for describing this awful disease so clearly.I will be thinking of you very often.
 

GillPJ

Registered User
Jun 2, 2020
42
What can anyone say?
I know my mother shares your frustration, when she starts a question"Is it..." but can't remember the rest, then says "oh ******" or "help me". But I can't help her, it's a two way frustration as I don't know what she wanted to say.
Your post is very moving, terrifying, poignant. The rest of us are helpless.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
488
Mid Lincs
I have no words adequate enough to reply Norrms but I do so admire your strength and feel very humbled by your writings.
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
147
Hampshire
Dear Norrms

I just wanted to say thank you. I care for my mum in the relatively early stages of Vascular Dementia. Sometimes I find her just staring out of the window and I ask what are you thinking about. She can never really answer me, but I get the impression it is something unpleasant on her mind. You have given me some type of in sight. Whenever in the future I hit a hard day I will remember your words and try to help mum more as it will be harder still for her.

I cannot really say anymore to help you. Sorry for your suffering and pain. Please accept my very best wishes and thank you again for the unique insight your post has given to all who read it. I just wonder if in some way through the Alzheimer’s Society your words could be used to reach more people.
 

PaulEd

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
32
Worcestershire
Thank for sharing this with us. I feel very emotional reading this and wonder how much my mother is hiding from us. It is very rare that we/she talks about her condition. Occasionally she will have an outburst because she thinks people 'are talking about her'. But we reassure her that is concern that people share.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
627
Hello @Norrms, I suppose everyone's experience of dementia is different. My partner has Alzheimer's, doesn't know he has it, he can't write anymore, though he used to write some excellent short stories. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have your nightmares, he usually sleeps quite soundly and is quite content as long as he can see me.
Do you take any medication? And if so, could it be contributing to the demons and visions?
It sounds quite horrific for you and I'm constantly amazed at how well you're able to describe what goes on inside your head. Do you think some kind of herbal calming tablets might help, just an idea. Look after yourself.