And so the mourning begins

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by KeddyL, Aug 13, 2019.

  1. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    19
    Hello everybody..

    I posted a thread some weeks back but missed this section completely. I think my post is more relevant here. I've read some threads and it breaks my heart all over again.

    When I was 17 my mum aged 47 was diagnosed with Dementia. We had a stable(ish) start and I thought 'it wont get any worse than this'. Although obviously, it did. Fast forward 10years. I was 26 and my mum 57. She looked old and frail but I still thought she had years left.

    In June 2018 I found out I was expecting my first baby. A beautiful little baby girl. I was SO happy. I was always worried that by the time that stage of my life came round, my mum may not be here. Although she wouldnt of known it was her grandaughter I was thrilled that I could get some photos of them together to show my daughter how amazing her grandma was when she got older. My pregnancy itself was great. There I was in my own little bubble, travelling to and from Newcastle where my mum and dad where and i'm 4hours away. Lots of facetimes and sending my bump and scan photos. It was amazing. Till January 2nd this year. My dad rang to say my mum, my precious mum, was going to die. I was heavily pregnant. 5weeks from my due date. I grabbed my hospital bag, babies car seat and me and my partner made the 4hour trip to Newcastle. I couldn't believe this was happening. Not now. I arrived and my mum looked like she had already died. There was nothing they could do. The days past and I registered at the hospital incase I went into labour. I slept on the hospital floor next to my mums bed for 5days till she very peacefully, took her last breath. I travelled home the next morning to shower and repack ny bags to head back up a week later for the funeral. I still to this day don't remember much. We said our goodbyes and I realised a part of me had died too. I arrived back home and 2 weeks later was taken into hospital to have my daughter. It was the most bitter sweet feeling in the world, even writing this now makes me cry so much. I was in labour for 5days when she finally arrived. My heart was so full and so empty. I was then told my grandma died from dementia too, on the same day I had my daughter.. just a couple of hours before.

    Its been 7months now since my mum has died. My daughter is an amazing baby. Now she is sleeping through the night and I have more time for me, the mourning has hit me hard. I'm tired. I'm exhausted emotionally. I'm so overwhelmed. So much has happened in such a small period of time. I'm doing okay though. I will make sure my mums memory lives on. I will make sure that I'm making her proud. As a daughter and as a mother. One comfort I do get now is that she is guiding me clearly now.

    Sorry to go on. Non of my friends understand. I dont cry infront of my daughter. I just needed to let it all out. Maybe to re live it again as I am writing it as part of my process. Who knows xx
     
  2. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    41
    That’s such a sad story, and I’m so sorry that it happened like this for you. What you must bear in mind that a normal grieving process takes a minimum of a year, I would categorise the circumstances you describe as unusual and this means the grieving process takes longer, possibly several years. Grief is work, work that must be done, at one time or another. If you cannot grieve now (and society would certainly prefer you to rejoice in your baby, instead of missing your mum), you will have to do the work at another time, usually after another person close to you dies, but not necessarily, could be a redundancy or something very stressful. Grieving can be helped along, by looking at photos, writing diaries and stories about your mum. Talking about her, and to her. Crying. It’s important work, and you already have your baby to look after, so may not be easy. Don’t underestimate how important grief work is. I spent most of my career working with grief. Love yourself, be kind to yourself. Work hard.
     
  3. anglebangle

    anglebangle New member

    Aug 13, 2019
    2
    I feel for you at a time that should have been one of the happiest times of your life. Putting your thoughts down in writing can be good therapy. I am sure your Mum is watching over you and would have been very proud of you. Big hug from me,
     
  4. Naomi25

    Naomi25 New member

    Mar 5, 2018
    9
    Female
    My heart completely breaks reading your story and the pain you’ve been through.

    Firstly congratulations on your beautiful little girl. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of being a mum as although I’m not a mum myself I can understand how difficult it is under ‘normal’ circumstances let alone after what you’ve been through loosing both your mum and grandmother so close together and at the time of the birth of your baby girl.

    It sounds like as you were so busy as a new mum your mind almost didn’t let you grieve and now that you have more of a structure and routine it is coming out. So normal and I think it’s so important for you to grieve in your own way and when works best for you.

    It’s horrible that your mum never got to meet her grand daughter. As your daughter grows I bet you start to see parts of your mums personality coming through in her, on the hard days those little things and signs will pull you through. your daughter will also grow up with the wonderful stories you have of your mum and will know she is loved by her.

    Life is so so cruel and you’ve been through a lot. Your strength from your experiences will be an amazing example to your daughter. You should be so proud of yourself. Let yourself grieve in whatever way feels best and works for you, keep up being an incredible mum and please reach out if you need any support.

    Sending love and good thoughts out to you xxx
     
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,167
    Merseyside
    DTP is the perfect place to let it out @KeddyL. You’ll get lots of support & TLC here.
     
  6. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    47
    Male
    Hi, firstly my condolences on your Mum's passing. It sounds as though you have been through so much at such a young age (and I don't mean that to sound patronising), from the age of 17 experiencing ten years of your Mum's dementia must have been incredibly difficult to witness and emotionally process. I really feel for you and your family. I can fully understand when you say something had died in you too... I think that is a common feeling, especially when you have lost your Mum to dementia - there is no one quite like your own Mum in my humble opinion. As I said in my post recently bereavement following dementia is unique and can be extremely confusing, and you having the wonderful gift of your daughter must have made the grieving process even more so. I also totally empathize when your say your friends don't understand, that is also quite 'normal' it's difficult to really understand unless you have experienced it. I found bereavement counselling quite helpful - even though I was initially quite sceptical didn't feel that I would benefit from it, it might be worth talking to your GP about it. Take care of yourself.
     
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    641
    Oh bless you, I think you are doing just fine. You are meant to feel grief & thank you for sharing. It’s been a horrendous time for you, but I promise it will get easier & you can feel isolated easily but you aren’t alone lots of people are on this forum & touched by your experience.
    Stay strong my lovely, & cuddle that precious daughter.
     
  8. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    243
    Female
    Sorry for your loss of your mum, and congratulations for the birth of your daughter. Must be difficult for you - what should be a happy time is also tinged with sadness. Take care of yourself and give your daughter an extra cuddle when you think of your mum
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,214
    Female
    South coast
    Condolences and congratulations

    That is so true. My dad died (of a heart attack) when I was 6 months pregnant with my first child (a boy) and all my emotions were all muddled up. I could not grieve for dad. I sorted out the funeral as mum went to pieces and my brother was an invisible even then. I attended the funeral dry eyed and calm, but I felt I was just going through the motions. It wasnt until the following year when I attended a distant relatives funeral that I broke down and was able to start grieving.

    Be gentle with yourself. The grieving will come in its own time.
     
  10. Millington

    Millington Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    3
    Hello KeddyL,

    What a lot to go through and to process, it must have been (and continue to be) unbelievably confusing and intense and exhausting.

    Well done for keeping going. You are a very strong woman and your daughter will learn so much from you.
    Your Mum will be so incredibly proud as well, she is with you.

    I hope you find space to grieve, there has been too much going on so far but now I hope you can work through it.
    It's devastating what Dementia does to every person involved and a shame you've had to wait so long but you'll get through this. The delay has maybe let things build up so much that now it is like a ton of bricks, I am sorry you've had such a hard time. So much loss.

    My Mum died 5 weeks ago aged 70 from EOA, after years of living grief I find it's hard to understand the final, proper grief.
    I don't know what I'm waiting for or dreading anymore?
    The deep sadness that had to be pushed to the side for so long can now be let in, but it's quite scary to let it in.

    Look after yourself KeddyL, there is a lot of support here for you xx
     
  11. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    641
    Hope you are keeping well.
    (((((((Hugs)))))))
     
  12. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    611
    I am so sorry to read this, my heartfelt condolences go out to you for the loss of your mum, how very sad. Congratulations though on the birth of your daughter, I am sure your mum is watching over you both and you will grieve when the time is right. xxx
     

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