And on it goes........

Krug 22

Registered User
Dec 12, 2015
74
0
Has anyone been referred to a Geriatric Consultant? If so do they have any dementia training or could they recognise it?

My husband has not been diagnosed with dementia but a scan back in April 2013 showed considerable brain atrophy even taking into account his heavy drinking and his age.

He is a very controlling and emotionally abusive man so trying to negotiate a way through this is very difficult as I will not put myself in danger.We are together 24/7.

He has been on patches and morphine for the pain which seems to be oesteoathritus - they seemed ot have more or less ruled out bowel cancer and prostrate cancer although an MRI Scan is being arranged. The GP did mention a few weeks ago to me that he seemed confused, when he was lying down before being examined and he heard us whispering. This led to a very difficult weekend with husband saying I was not allowed to talk about him to the GP. The GP is struggling as the patches and liquid morphine do not seem to be helping so she is going to refer him to a Geriatric Consultant. He is also not co-operating re the lactulose and trying to keep him looked after is a nightmare. A district nurse came out to look at a potential bed sore, but he will not use the cream she has given him. He is now saying he wants to change GP's but I am stepping back as if I say how good I think she is, he will just get wound up. He really is in denial.

His weight is very low as he is living off the Fortisips. We are at different GP surgeries as he fell out with my GP w hen he said he seemed 'confused' so it is very hard to get to see his GP on my own. He is also not doing his teeth and frankly his breath smells horrible. I have got him a new toothbrush plus dental appointment to rule out anything dental but it appears to be simple lack of hygene I have tried prompting only to be told 'he does not have dementia' so have backed off now.

But even if he were offered a memory clinic appointment, he could not be 'made' to keep it could he? He has said he is going to see a solicitor to get in writing that he does not have dementia.But surely any solicitor could only say that he had 'mental capacity' at this moment in time? He often threatens things and does not follow them up but I do realise I need to walk on eggshells at any future GP appointments.

Thanks for reading. I am much younger than my husband and we have been married 27 years. He is frightened I think as deep down he knows something is wrong. I guess it has to get to crisis stage and he become a danger to himself or to me, before any action is taken against his will.
 

frog30117

New member
Oct 26, 2017
6
0
I know this sounds cold, but sometimes we need to put ourselves first. My grandmother was a similar personality, and i remember the struggle. Now that i put myself first, it has actually enhanced our relationship.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
My husband has been seeing a geriatrician for about four years after being referred by our GP. The geriatrician sent him off for scans and assessment at the memory clinic and he has continued to see him on a six monthly basis since then. He has sent my husband back to the memory clinic recently for a further assessment and we have just had our feedback session a week ago.

To be honest, I believe that our GP is the one who has been the most helpful in the overall management of my husband's health issues (he has cardiac problems too) and I trust him to advise me.

At the feedback session, the geriatrician told my husband quite clearly that he had Alzheimer's, the frontal variant kind and that he was doing much better than most of his other patients. So my husband suggested to me today that I should plan a lovely holiday for next year 'now that he has been given the all clear' to use his exact words. So denial is the flavour of the week, and that there's not much point in reminding him what had been said at the feedback session.

There will be others along who can advise you with practicalities of getting assessments and what help might be available for you, things like attendance allowance etc.

The only thing I can suggest to you is to keep a journal of the things your husband does - the things he forgets like cleaning his teeth etc. and somehow get this to his GP before he goes for a consultation. You really need help in dealing with his behaviour as you are going to become exhausted.

Like you I believe that a lot of this terrible behaviour comes from fear and feelings of insecurity and it must be a pretty scary thing to no longer have control over what is happening to you.
 

Claire-5000

Registered User
May 1, 2017
25
0
I had all of this with my dad! I would wtite to his GP expressing my concerns. Say you feel at crisis point, are extremely worried and that it would be detrimental to you and your husband for the GP to disclose your letter to your husband. But please can they bring him in for a full medical assessment. What I've realised is they see this kind of thing every day and they know how to deal with it, assuming he has a good GP...
 

Krug 22

Registered User
Dec 12, 2015
74
0
Thank you Lawson - I am keeping a notebook. I have been receiving Carers Allowance and he has been receiving Attendance Allowance since August 2013 - he had an acute on chronic brain heamatoma after several falls. He is very deaf but says all doctors mumble and I think this is the only reason he allows me in with him.I do order his medication and try to adminster it properly with varying degrees of success plus manage his medical appointments as his short term memory is very bad. He also has gout/lupus so has regular blood tests, acid reflux irritable bowel, AF and his kidney function fell to 9% in April last year due to a combination of lupus meds and antibiotics for a UTI we think - it has come back up. He is very much in denial that I should receive CarersAllowance so dare not push it too much that i am his carer although I do not think he could cope living alone. I was told that there was considerable brain atrophy back in 2013 even taking into his account and heavy drinking.

It is a shame we are at different surgeries but he fell out with my GP back in 2013 when my GP suggested he was confused - I stayed as I felt my GP was quite good but am now wondering if it might be easier if I moved to the same surgery. At least then I could see the GP and get things on file with regard to how worried I am by the self neglect - he is 5ft 9 and weighs just over 8st despite having a very good dietician with whom I have tried to work and implement her suggestions.

Just so worried if he wont' accept anything is wrong, it will get to a crisis situation where he is a danger to himself and/or to me.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
4,333
0
Victoria, Australia
Thank you Lawson - I am keeping a notebook. I have been receiving Carers Allowance and he has been receiving Attendance Allowance since August 2013 - he had an acute on chronic brain heamatoma after several falls. He is very deaf but says all doctors mumble and I think this is the only reason he allows me in with him.I do order his medication and try to adminster it properly with varying degrees of success plus manage his medical appointments as his short term memory is very bad. He also has gout/lupus so has regular blood tests, acid reflux irritable bowel, AF and his kidney function fell to 9% in April last year due to a combination of lupus meds and antibiotics for a UTI we think - it has come back up. He is very much in denial that I should receive CarersAllowance so dare not push it too much that i am his carer although I do not think he could cope living alone. I was told that there was considerable brain atrophy back in 2013 even taking into his account and heavy drinking.

It is a shame we are at different surgeries but he fell out with my GP back in 2013 when my GP suggested he was confused - I stayed as I felt my GP was quite good but am now wondering if it might be easier if I moved to the same surgery. At least then I could see the GP and get things on file with regard to how worried I am by the self neglect - he is 5ft 9 and weighs just over 8st despite having a very good dietician with whom I have tried to work and implement her suggestions.

Just so worried if he wont' accept anything is wrong, it will get to a crisis situation where he is a danger to himself and/or to me.

You really do have a lot to deal with as your husband has multiple health issues and has had a lot of medical interventions in the last few years. I think people who are controlling in their character are the ones who find chronic and debilitating illnesses so hard to deal with and they cannot understand what an impact this has on their carers.

My first thought is that if your husband is being prescribed heavy duty painkillers then he must be seeing a doctor fairly regularly. If he wants to change his GP then there is an opportunity for you to change yours at the same time so that you are seeing the same one. I think that the GP is going to be the best person to try and manage your husband and my guess is that it is going to take a while for you to get to the point where he will have an assessment.

I don't live in the UK so can't offer you anything much in the way of advice and I am sorry that you have such a load to carry.

Perhaps your husband might accept the idea of a carers allowance if you put it to him from the financial perspective, that it's a bit of extra money in the household income. And I also understand that bad breath can be an indication of kidney problems which he has had in the past.

I do hope that you can get some help before a crisis arises but unfortunately sometimes it comes to that.
 

Krug 22

Registered User
Dec 12, 2015
74
0
Thanks Claire and Lawson. The Geriatric Consultant rang last night and said GP had asked for husband to be seen urgently and the appointment is the 20th November. I may write to him with my concerns. I frankly do not want my husband to change his GP as she has 'clicked' something is not right and it has taken months to get a kind of relationship with her.I do realise it is his choice not mine. He is very convincing although I do feel he is getting less so and I also feel the self neglect re the weight loss is starting to ring bells in the medical profession as t his can be sign of dementia (and depression too). He has said that no one will believe me if I tell them as he has 47 patents and was Md of a plc (er...he left in 1991 and it only ever employed 5 people so not really ICI). I am wary of him and have to stress this in the letter. He MIGHT accept a brain scan because we had both assumed he would have this after the heamatoma and if it were put to him as a routine follow up that had been missed he might go for it. I do agree Lawson that given the age difference between my husband and I he is very much in denial. I also sadly agree that it will be a crisis before I can progress things.......