And now it's our turn....

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Pickles53, Nov 8, 2014.

  1. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    #21 Pickles53, Nov 9, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2014
    Thank you all so much for your kind words. Until I found TP, I had never realised how much help was out there from all you lovely people. TP should be required reading for all the health professionals involved in dementia care so they could get just an inkling of what it is like to face this dreadful illness. With everything that you have to deal with every day, it is an inexpressible comfort that you find the time to give compassion and sympathy so generously.

    Yesterday I had previously arranged to babysit little grandson and it made my heart lift to see how he enjoys everything around him. He's at the beginning of life's adventure; bit of a cliche but it was a real 'circle of life' feeling. Helped me through the day between those phone calls that nobody wants to make or receive.

    Starting to think about mum's funeral. She made some notes about what she wanted a long while ago; I used to think this was a bit morbid but now I can appreciate it does make it easier for us. Except that none of us live in her home town where the funeral will be, and neither does one of the retired ministers who she wants to conduct the service. Mum was a master of organisation so perhaps she wanted to give us a challenge? I'm making lists already, that's just what she would have been doing....

    Can't get the death certificate until Monday, first available appointment with the registrar is Friday 14th; even the funeral director couldn't believe that. It's my sister's birthday the following week, I don't want her to have her birthday forever associated with mum's death. At least that means we have time to think and plan, I don't want to be rushed. It's more important to do it right.
     
  2. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Thank you craigmaid for saying it so well. Isn't it strange that hymns can move you to tears like nothing else. Maybe it's the links to childhood; I am word perfect in hymns I sung at church and school more than forty years ago. I watched the Remembrance festival last night on TV and realised that this will from now on always be the time of year when we lost mum. 'Abide with me' was sung at at an elderly cousin's funeral a few months ago and although I had been OK during the day that just broke me up.

    We had already planned to go and see the poppies at the Tower of London tomorrow and have decided we will still do that. It seems even more appropriate now.
     
  3. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    ...take a lot of tissues....x.x.x
     
  4. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,386
    Female
    Chester
    Sorry to hear your news. JM xx
     
  5. loza

    loza Registered User

    Jul 4, 2013
    22
    Pickles53

    ohh Pickles, we had been on the same journey with our mum's at the same time, although I found you late, my mum also passed away yesterday morn, you have said it all in your post and I have no strength left to put my own words down.
     
  6. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Condolences on the loss of your Mum, so glad you have a lovely little grandson to relieve your grief. Wishing you strength to cope with the funeral.
     
  7. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    So sorry Pickles. x
     
  8. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Ioza I have just seen your thread about your mum's passing and how much worse for you that you feel she was not made as comfortable as she could have been. So wish that everyone could have the care my mum did. With all the miraculous things that modern medicine can do, we seem to have forgotten the importance of the simpler things that make such a difference.

    Take care in the days to come to look after yourself too.
     
  9. Rathbone

    Rathbone Registered User

    May 17, 2014
    2,264
    Female
    West Sussex
    My loving thoughts to you Pickles and to your beloved mum for her onward journey. X:)
     
  10. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    3,537
    Female
    South Gloucs
    My deepest condolences Pickles - I'm sorry to hear of your loss. TP has been a source of incredible knowledge and comfort to me too xxx
     
  11. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    You were right craigmaid, but I was so glad we had the chance to see the poppies both close-up and from the top of the Shard which was awesome. The crowds were huge, I have read that more than 5 million people have been there, but everyone was very quiet and respectful. Great courtesy too, everyone taking their turn in the front row.

    There has been a big debate about how much longer they should stay but I think they have reached a wise conclusion both for practical and more importantly emotional reasons. The transitory nature of the display is exactly the point.
     
  12. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I thought I was not doing too badly this first week, have managed to clear mum's room at the home. The staff had folded everything and put it ready so it was much easier than I had feared. But it has been like limbo, although I was upset by the delay before I could see the registrar it has also been a way of putting off the inevitable reality of what comes next. I have spoken to the funeral director but tomorrow we have to go and see him.

    Yesterday I was fine with this but then why have I been awake since 4am feeling so shaky? Am I just in denial that this has really happened? I just want to run away and let someone else do it..... Mum was so brave when dad died, heart attack completely out of the blue at only 73. I had a long time knowing what was going to happen so surely I should be able to face this more calmly. I'm afraid I'm going to break down in the registrar's office.....
     
  13. Pete R

    Pete R Registered User

    Jul 26, 2014
    2,045
    Staffs
    And there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that.:)

    A good effort in clearing your Mum's room, not sure I will be that controlled when the time comes.:(

    One day at a time........
     
  14. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    A beautiful bouquet from my son-in-law's parents, in the vase my mum gave me a few months ago. It was the only thing she had which belonged to her own mother, who died when mum was still a child.

    Mum always loved flowers in the house and this vase sat on her sideboard for as long as I can remember. One day she got anxious about breaking it so it came to me.

    PS I have no idea why the photo came out upside down or how to change it, sorry for the technological ineptitude
     

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  15. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    Upside down, quite artistic I think, represents our topsy turvy world.
     
  16. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    You've got a good point there Tin, Turner Prize here we come.....
     
  17. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    3,537
    Female
    South Gloucs
    I have to say that the period after dad died, but before the funeral, was one of the hardest times. It is definitely like limbo - you don't know where you are or should be.

    Let the tears come, when they do - there is nothing to be ashamed or frightened of .. and if others appear to be uncomfortable with your grief, that's their problem - not yours! When people say 'stay strong' or 'be brave' they often mean 'don't break down in front of me, I don't know what to do'

    So do it your way - which will be right, for you. Big kiss xxxx
     
  18. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,127
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm hoping this is right -

    image.jpg
     
  19. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    3,537
    Female
    South Gloucs
    Beautiful. I love roses. We had yellow roses for dad at his funeral xxx
     
  20. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Izzy you are a genius, is there nothing you can't do? Like to share your secret?
     

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