The last five months of Mum’s life were like seven years’ caring compressed into one massive black hole. Backwards and forwards to the hospital where she was recovering from a broken thigh bone. Hassling already hassled staff for updates, prognosis, next steps. While trying to explain over and over again to Mum why she couldn’t leave the bed and couldn’t come home.
Endless arguments with family about where was the best place for her: “she wants to be in her own home; she’s not safe in her own home; she needs 24x7 care; we can’t afford it - we’ll have sell the house; you can’t sell her house .”
Moved into rehab hospital, her physical injury healed, but the dementia dug its claws deeper; “I’m frightened,” she said “I don’t know who I am, where I am or why I am.”
‘I don’t know WHY I am.“ Those words broke what little heart I have left and will haunt me until its my turn to shuffle off…
I eventually determined a residential home was the least worst of all options. I last saw her on the day she moved in. “Drive safe,” she chirped as I headed off, relieved that she had settled in so well. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Well the light turned out to be a blue flashing one racing her to A&E just two weeks later after yet another fall resulted in massive brain trauma. I hadn’t been able to visit her in the home since her first day because of COVID restrictions, so my next visit was to her unconscious body on a hospital bed. She stayed there for one week, fast asleep, blissfully unaware that her ticket was about to expire. “Chat to her, she can hear you,” said the nurses. Given that she couldn’t hear anything without her hearing aids I thought it unlikely - and what could I say? I’m sorry? Come back? I love you?
She had asked me to not let her die alone. My last task. On the 7th day at 16:00, while I held her hand and talked about nothing with my brother, she let out a gentle sigh … and… gone.
It feels strange now - relief that I don’t have to battle her into the shower anymore, guilt that I ever felt bad about it. So sad that the person I loved is no longer in my life. Glad that the person she became is at rest. I hope that now she remembers all the myriad, beautiful reasons for WHY she was.
Endless arguments with family about where was the best place for her: “she wants to be in her own home; she’s not safe in her own home; she needs 24x7 care; we can’t afford it - we’ll have sell the house; you can’t sell her house .”
Moved into rehab hospital, her physical injury healed, but the dementia dug its claws deeper; “I’m frightened,” she said “I don’t know who I am, where I am or why I am.”
‘I don’t know WHY I am.“ Those words broke what little heart I have left and will haunt me until its my turn to shuffle off…
I eventually determined a residential home was the least worst of all options. I last saw her on the day she moved in. “Drive safe,” she chirped as I headed off, relieved that she had settled in so well. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Well the light turned out to be a blue flashing one racing her to A&E just two weeks later after yet another fall resulted in massive brain trauma. I hadn’t been able to visit her in the home since her first day because of COVID restrictions, so my next visit was to her unconscious body on a hospital bed. She stayed there for one week, fast asleep, blissfully unaware that her ticket was about to expire. “Chat to her, she can hear you,” said the nurses. Given that she couldn’t hear anything without her hearing aids I thought it unlikely - and what could I say? I’m sorry? Come back? I love you?
She had asked me to not let her die alone. My last task. On the 7th day at 16:00, while I held her hand and talked about nothing with my brother, she let out a gentle sigh … and… gone.
It feels strange now - relief that I don’t have to battle her into the shower anymore, guilt that I ever felt bad about it. So sad that the person I loved is no longer in my life. Glad that the person she became is at rest. I hope that now she remembers all the myriad, beautiful reasons for WHY she was.
