1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. zebb37

    zebb37 Registered User

    Aug 12, 2007
    31
    salisbury
    I am 42 years old and my wife is 52. She was finally diagnosed with early onset alzheimers in april of this year, after a year of tests.

    My guess is that she's probably been ill for about 4 years now.

    She is now on aricept and that initially at least had a massive effect on her ability to cope. She can now go more than 50 yards from home without being in a total state of panic.

    Short term memory is, of course, hugely affected as are conceptual things such as money, time, movement etc

    the anger is the thing that i hate the most as the way are relationship is changing to more of a parent/child one - i'm not sure i'll ever get used to that.

    luckily for us we live in a village with a fairly tight-knit community with many people aware of her illness and supportive when we go out.

    i live in total fear of the day she does not recognise me - although she has already done this with friends.

    I am so very glad that i have found this site and am sure that i shall continue to be here when i can
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    I`m very glad you`ve found this site too, zebb. It will be a wealth of information and support.

    As I`ve already said to you, it won`t take away the pain, but it will help. You are so young. Younger even than some of our members caring for parents.

    Try not to anticipate the worst. I`ve been through phases of that, and the things I`ve feared the most haven`t yet happened.

    It`s good you live where you do. it`s much easier living in a small community than a large impersonal city. I know, I`ve had experiences in both.

    Take care,

    Love xx
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Zebb, thank you for the introduction. I can only imagine how you feel. I care for my husband, and watching the relationship change and all we are used to in a marriage disappear is hard at any age, but at 42 can only be described as tragic.

    I hope the Aricept continues to work. John is on Reminyl, and it worked for six years, for which I'm very grateful. I hope you have still many good times in store, to make up for the bad times.

    I'm afraid the anger is a common symptom, and it's understandable. It must be so frustrating to know that you are increasingly unable to do so many things you took for granted.

    I wish you all the best,
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Zebb,
    Welcome to Talking Point.

    I understand your situation, as I was about 43, 16 years ago when my Jan's symptoms started, while Jan was 51.

    You will be surprised how you will gradually get used to things that appear at present to be totally impossible to cope with.

    Take things slowly, and squeeze the most you can from each minute.

    Come to Talking Point whenever you need to - there are some amazing people here.
     
  5. zebb37

    zebb37 Registered User

    Aug 12, 2007
    31
    salisbury
    thanks so much everyone. it is nice to finally find a home - i guess you know what i mean.

    today has been one of those bad days - a lot of anger, a lot of screaming and some violance - i don't know where jt comes from.

    i have ended up saying things i wish to god i hadn't.

    i'm sorry but i want my girl back - i miss her so much....
     
  6. sheena

    sheena Registered User

    Aug 4, 2007
    22
    Hi Zebb37 - sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis my husband is now 63 and I am 59 and am finding the loss of the man I knew hard as well - all our plans for the future have changed very quickly so I am going to take the advise from other TP members and make the most of the time we have at this stage. Apart from the anger that comes from nowhere I find it hard when he is having a bad day (like today) when the anger isn't there but there if fear instead when you look into his eyes and you can't make it go away. Hopefully the way I deal with the situation can make him feel better. My husband always had a sense of humour for every event not just one or two so I try very hard to bring humour into situations just to see if it will create a spark in him - and yes sometimes it works - and yes maybe it is at his expense - but then his humour was usually at someone elses expense and that's maybe why it works for him - I'll try anything. Hope the TP support works for you.
    Sheena:)
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Dear Sheena,

    I understand exactly what you mean by the fear in your husband`s eyes, it`s terrible to see isn`t it? My husband has the same look at times and I feel so upset for him. The anger is almost preferable.

    Love xx
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Zebb, dont beat yourself up. When we are hurting we all say things that we shouldnt to those we love the most. Hopefully your wife will have no recollection, one blessing of dementia; I helped to care for my mum, I dont really feel I have any right to give my opinion on your situation, but as in any relationship, just make sure the 'I love you', 'I care' 'I want you' outweighs anything that is hurtful.
    And forgive yourself - as long as you know that you are doing your best - no-one, including you - can ask for anything more.
    Love Helen
     
  9. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Hello Zeb and welcome.
    I have found being able to come and post on here a real help. I care for my husband he's 54 and I'm 45. I find the loss of our relationship the hardest thing to bear. And at times I feel so angry that our future, and all the plans we had for when the boys had grown up, has been snatched from us.

    And despite being a "control freak" I now hate the fact that I now HAVE to make all the decisions.

    Jackie
     

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