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Amazing How the Mind Works

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
hi I'm fairly new here. So mum is double incontinent, very active, but has a fear of the toilet, hard to get here to sit on it, never-mind even use it. So after tears and frustration on my part yesterday morning no joy. In the afternoon the area manager from the care agency called to do an assessment, mum was bright and breezy in hostess mode. When the manager left mum said to me 'do you mind if I use your toilet' lol, I said of course, took her up and she went at sat there no problem. Even bed time was better. Let's hope today will be the same ! But I doubt it lol 😆
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,972
0
N Ireland
Hello @Jessy82

Yes, strange indeed.

I read a book of dementia case studies a couple of years ago and one thing that came through loud and clear was that a lot of what seems like irrational fears or agitation etc can be rooted in a sub conscious memory of a bad experience in early life. In the case studies these early life experiences were sometimes discovered by asking questions, but often discovered by accident, or not at all.

It may be useful to have a gentle 'what's wrong' conversation to see if the root of the fear can be discovered as knowledge of the fear means it may be possible to address it. I wish you luck with that as I know from experience with my wife that it can be difficult to get explanations.
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
Yes thanks Pete, I think it stems from last July in a respite care home, she came back incontinent, I think the lack of privacy in there she would not use toilets, the room wasn't ensuite, and I suppose other residents walking in and around. Must admit I'm exactly the same with public toilets. I remember she told me as a child she was terrified of trees, she's now the same, thinks they are going to fall on her
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,972
0
N Ireland
Yes thanks Pete, I think it stems from last July in a respite care home, she came back incontinent, I think the lack of privacy in there she would not use toilets, the room wasn't ensuite, and I suppose other residents walking in and around. Must admit I'm exactly the same with public toilets. I remember she told me as a child she was terrified of trees, she's now the same, thinks they are going to fall on her
That looks like a possible answer. Maybe emphasising that she has privacy in her own home will help with the toilet issue.

We have to keep on our toes, no doubt about that!
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
Completely agree Pete, another thing I noticed, after the visit from the care manager, she was in great spirits, we've not had a visitor in months. Just goes to show the damage this lock down has done, mum thrives on company and conversation, all her clubs stopped, dancing, church coffee mornings, day center, she was out everyday of the week. Let's hope these activities get back to normal, but sadly we have been told the church club won't be opening again and I've heard nothing from the day center. And the club that held the sequence dancing will not be reopening, so sad
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,478
0
Yes thanks Pete, I think it stems from last July in a respite care home, she came back incontinent, I think the lack of privacy in there she would not use toilets, the room wasn't ensuite, and I suppose other residents walking in and around. Must admit I'm exactly the same with public toilets. I remember she told me as a child she was terrified of trees, she's now the same, thinks they are going to fall on her
My dad had a thing about trees, they were always too big. If I took him out in the car and we passed trees, he always said 'look how big those trees are, it's about time someone cut them down'
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
16
0
My dad had a thing about trees, they were always too big. If I took him out in the car and we passed trees, he always said 'look how big those trees are, it's about time someone cut them down'
Yes Duggies girl, she is exactly the same strange
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,360
0
High Peak
My dad had a thing about trees, they were always too big. If I took him out in the car and we passed trees, he always said 'look how big those trees are, it's about time someone cut them down'
My mum too! She loved trees when younger, especially the big beautiful ones you get in the grounds of stately homes. But she said the same things as your dad - 'Why are there trees everywhere? Why don't they cut them down?'

Mind you, she also said, 'Why are there so many houses here? Why are these shops here?' and she'd poke my boyfriend (driving) in the back when she said it! Such a joy taking her out for a drive.... 🙄🤭
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,310
0
Victoria, Australia
One day as my husband was shut in the study playing bridge, I had an intruder in the house and snatched my purse and ran. OH heard me yelling and saw me chasing the man down through his window. I called the police who arrived very quickly and. OG heard me talking to them.

They were there for quite a while taking a statement, getting a description etc but OH didn't emerge until his bridge game was over.

I told him what had happened and he told me that he had heard all the commotion, heard the police arrive etc.

When I asked him why he didn't come out to help, to see if I was OK, his reply was that I was ridiculous to expect him to chase after the culprit with his heart condition. There was no interest in my welfare, only in his precious bridge game.

So I say 'How amazing how the brain fails to work.'
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,478
0
@Lawson58 I remember the morning about 3 years ago that my husband went down dads to give me a day off. Well my husband gave dad his breakfast then promptly had a heart attack and called for an ambulance before ringing me. By the time I got to dads there were 5 paramedics in dads front room and 2 ambulances parked on his front.

Dad was very good and very helpful to the crew who took my husband to hospital, with me following in the car. I spent all day at the hospital with my husband who was then kept in, he recovered quite well and was given a stent and he is still here.

After all that I went down dads to give him his evening meal and when I went in he was sat there smiling and asked me where I had been all day.

How could he forget that. All his neighbours had come out because they thought the ambulance was for dad, paramedics rushing around and 2 ambulances parked in front of his window. I never mentioned it again to dad but I fail to understand how he instantly forgot it all. Yes amazing
 

spandit

Registered User
Feb 11, 2020
197
0
My father is so easily confused by any instruction that when he goes to use the toilet, he'll always ask what to do next and I say nothing, because I know he'll work it out for himself.

I've realised that I sometimes prefer it when he's really confused because he's not dwelling on his condition. He's on a downhill slope from which there is no possible cure but keeps talking about getting better and we think that having that glimmer of hope is marginally better than acceptance that he's never going to recover.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,310
0
Victoria, Australia
@Lawson58 I remember the morning about 3 years ago that my husband went down dads to give me a day off. Well my husband gave dad his breakfast then promptly had a heart attack and called for an ambulance before ringing me. By the time I got to dads there were 5 paramedics in dads front room and 2 ambulances parked on his front.

Dad was very good and very helpful to the crew who took my husband to hospital, with me following in the car. I spent all day at the hospital with my husband who was then kept in, he recovered quite well and was given a stent and he is still here.

After all that I went down dads to give him his evening meal and when I went in he was sat there smiling and asked me where I had been all day.

How could he forget that. All his neighbours had come out because they thought the ambulance was for dad, paramedics rushing around and 2 ambulances parked in front of his window. I never mentioned it again to dad but I fail to understand how he instantly forgot it all. Yes amazing
That really was a shocking experience and you have to wonder how your dad could forget it.

I am starting to believe that when empathy goes, then experiences like that of your dad fail to make an impact.

For my birthday, OH insisted that I should go and buy a couple of things as he couldn't . I bought a small handbag to wear to an upcoming wedding and a cute pair of Homyped boots and I showed them to him before wrapping them. We still go through the charade of opening gifts with the family! The night before my birthday, he asked what had I bought and was adamant that I hadn't shown him the gifts and then got cross because I hadn't bought a card. I reminded him that we have a box full of cards for every occasion and to find one there but of course he forgot that too.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,478
0
Yes, I remember when I had to start writing birthday cards for dad because he just didn't know what to do anymore.
As for my dad he was always so thoughtful and I am sure he still had empathy but he just couldn't retain information. It was quite a shocking event and I don't know how I managed at the time but I did somehow.

Even when I moved in with dad he didn't know. Every time I left the room to go to the loo or put the kettle on and then went back into dads room he thought I had just turned up. 'Hello I didn't hear you come in but nice to see you'

I was always amazed at that.