Am Scared one day I'm going to regret not doing more

[MissBB]

Hi I'm new to this.
My mums at the stage where we are looking at care homes. The last year in particular has been the worst. Mum has been sectioned twice. My dad is 82 and he tried his best bless him, but just couldn't do any more at home. We got to crisis after crisis.

My brother lost his job. I'm 150 miles away with a small child. I go every week. I've fought the system - as sadly I see so many people here have to do. I fought so hard trying to get help for my parents that I got ill (panic attacks, anxiety, dizziness). I had to let go a bit - for my little boy's sake, for my families sake.

I detach myself from it when I'm home. I spend a day recovering after Ive visited mum and looked after dad. I sometimes cry a whole day. Then I gradually get back into 'normal' life and carry on. I'm studying and have just found part time work in a job I've wanted for ages. I'll carry on visiting once a week. I'll carry on with that forever. But I'm sometimes scared that one day I'll look back and think I should have done more - how could I have been so selfish to study and work when my mum is suffering so much.

I push the pain to the back of my mind. I don't allow the thoughts to come in, especially at night. But I'm scared that one day I'll hate myself for not being with her more. I read about some wonderful people on here who have devoted so much of their lives - and I feel so bad that I haven't done the same. But it was making me ill and I felt I had to make a choice between my parents sad sad situation, or my own life and family. Am I wrong?? I guess like so many here I just feel guilty.

 

[sistermillicent]

It sounds as though you have done wonderfully well with your parents, in an extremely difficult and upsetting situation. I have been in a similar situation with my parents living 150 miles away. I felt like you that I never wanted to be in a position where I felt I could have done more, but the honest truth is that I am that kind of a person who will ALWAYS feel she could have done more, and i suspect you are like that too.

If your mum has been sectioned twice you have had it really tough, to have kept her at home this long is amazing.

You have done a great thing for your parents by supporting them but now you need to concentrate on your family or you and they will suffer the consequences - I don't mean this in a nasty way but I think you need to look to the future rather than worrying about how you will feel about the past. (I wish someone had said this to me three years ago as the devastation I feel for what happened in my own family at home as a result of me not being here is far greater than the upset I feel about my parents)

So don't be scared, take care of yourself and your family and keep in touch with your parents by phone a bit more than visiting.

 

[Lindy50]

Hi kkoo

This is just a quick post but can I say I agree 100% with sistermillicent. You are doing a magnificent job just getting there every week and doing as much as you can.

I really hope that your mother's care can be sorted soon.

Give your own life and family the attention they deserve - don't let your mum's illness overwhelm you - surely your mum wouldn't want that?

All the very best

Lindy xx

 

[marionq]

Hi I'm new to this.
My mums at the stage where we are looking at care homes. The last year in particular has been the worst. Mum has been sectioned twice. My dad is 82 and he tried his best bless him, but just couldn't do any more at home. We got to crisis after crisis.

My brother lost his job. I'm 150 miles away with a small child. I go every week. I've fought the system - as sadly I see so many people here have to do. I fought so hard trying to get help for my parents that I got ill (panic attacks, anxiety, dizziness). I had to let go a bit - for my little boy's sake, for my families sake.

I detach myself from it when I'm home. I spend a day recovering after Ive visited mum and looked after dad. I sometimes cry a whole day. Then I gradually get back into 'normal' life and carry on. I'm studying and have just found part time work in a job I've wanted for ages. I'll carry on visiting once a week. I'll carry on with that forever. But I'm sometimes scared that one day I'll look back and think I should have done more - how could I have been so selfish to study and work when my mum is suffering so much.

I push the pain to the back of my mind. I don't allow the thoughts to come in, especially at night. But I'm scared that one day I'll hate myself for not being with her more. I read about some wonderful people on here who have devoted so much of their lives - and I feel so bad that I haven't done the same. But it was making me ill and I felt I had to make a choice between my parents sad sad situation, or my own life and family. Am I wrong?? I guess like so many here I just feel guilty.

As a mother with three daughters each with a young family I feel for all of you young people who find yourselves in this situation. I would never wish to cause my girls this level of anxiety and I am sure your mothers would do anything they could to avoid it too. You have a new generation who need your love and attention or their memories will be blighted so you will have to take some hard decisions. This may mean keeping Mum safe and looked after in care because you cannot be all things to all people. With AD she is never going to be 100% happy whatever you do so as with most things in life you do your best and keep tabs on the care she is getting.

I do feel for you and wish you and your Mum well.

 

[zeeeb]

Don't feel guilty. Your son is important, and as far as priorities go, my kids do go before my parents as priorities. They need me, and by having children, I made a promise that I vow to keep, that my children come before everyone else on my priority list.

You are doing what you can, and you can't sacrifice your whole life for your parents. You still need to pay the rent, you still need to look after your child and you will still need to keep living, paying the rent and looking after your child long after your parents are gone.

It is very important that you look after yourself and your life (and your child's) and don't just let your whole world fall apart in trying to care for your parents. It is like everything, a balancing act, and most of us, can't do it all. Guilt is always there, but it will always be there, whether it's guilt for not spending enough time with your child or not spending enough time with your parents, or not spending enough time on your career in order to keep your finances in order.

You are a good daughter.

 

[MissBB]

Thank you

Thank you so much for all your comments. I literally cried with relief. It means a lot to hear it from people who have gone through the same, who truly understand. I probably will always feel I should have done more - but I was in danger of becoming a very detatched, depressed mummy to my little boy. I had no energy to relate to him. That was a wake up call - so I know I have to get the balance right, and unfortunately, detatch myself a bit from my parents.

Thank you all so much for your for kindness, It really has meant a lot to me to read your replies.

Kx

 

[Owly]

Kkoo, I know exactly what you mean about taking a day to recover. Your parents' "stuff" - their issues, problems, crises, worries, what's going to happen next?, wants, needs - are all buzzing round in your brain and you cannot be present (in the present moment) for your son. You are distracted, forgetful, absent from HIS issues and needs and worries.

This disease does rip families apart, causing problems in prioritising who is most in need of (usually) one person's time and attention.

It should never be down to one person to care for a person with dementia. I fully believe this can only be done sanely by a team. That is why all carers need to get additional help, from family or from paid/funded social care. It's the only way to make sure that the dementia doesn't claim more victims.

 

[angecmc]

It truly is a dreadful disease and affects so many members of the sufferers family. We can only do so much and you have and still are, doing as much as you can. My Mum is in a care home and having spoken to the staff there, they have all said they could not look after their own parents, even though they are experienced at looking after dementia sufferers, so try not to feel guilty, I am also sure your Mum would not want your little boy to suffer because you are having to give her all your attention. I hope you are able to get all the help you need soon xx

Ange

 

[Witzend]

It truly is a dreadful disease and affects so many members of the sufferers family. We can only do so much and you have and still are, doing as much as you can. My Mum is in a care home and having spoken to the staff there, they have all said they could not look after their own parents, even though they are experienced at looking after dementia sufferers, so try not to feel guilty, I am also sure your Mum would not want your little boy to suffer because you are having to give her all your attention. I hope you are able to get all the help you need soon xx

Ange

I was talking to a lovely carer at my mother's CH the other day - she said that so many 'new' relatives feel so bad and guilty, but she tells them they absolutely mustn't - it is so incredibly hard to look after someone at home if they need 24/7 care, it is exhausting.

As she said, we have breaks, we go home at the end of our shifts - we are not having to cope with someone up and down half the night, too, or calling out, or needing the loo or having 'accidents' at night. She has worked at that CH for many years and does thoroughly understand what the vast majority of relatives have been through before the CH decision is finally taken, so often after so much agonised heart-searching.